


Still Alive?

by Noppoh



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Torture, Physical Abuse, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-10 07:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 69,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13497310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noppoh/pseuds/Noppoh
Summary: Kylo Ren is brooding about a question he simply cannot find an answer for. His search for the answer only leads to more confusion. Will he be able to figure it/himself out?





	1. Brooding

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Madie080802 for alpha-ing the original one-shot.
> 
> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee for wanting to beta this! The story starts right after TLJ.  
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!
> 
> This was originally a one-shot I wasn’t going to continue but the muse disagreed… This first chapter is longer than the original one-shot, and has been mildly revised. Most important of all, it has been beta-ed (Force, the mistakes I made 8/ )
> 
> Disclaimer: All things Star Wars belongs to Lucasfilm Ltd., LucasArts, Walt Disney Co. and whoever else holds copyright to the Star Wars franchise.

She said _no_.

She said _no_ and they fought. Then she left. Why was he still alive? That was the question that bothered him most, something he couldn’t comprehend. Why was he still alive?

He was sitting on the throne, elbows resting on his knees and hands steepled in front of his face. Hux was standing not far from him, awaiting instructions. Kylo couldn’t care less. Hux was a nuisance, nothing more; he could wait.

It just didn’t make any sense. She hated him, didn’t she? Instinctively, he reached out, trying to find her, to find that connection that linked them. Nothing. He hadn’t caught a glimpse of her for over three weeks. He knew she was angry with him—of course she was—but how was she doing it? Was Skywalker teaching her to block him out? Had she turned to the old man for help? For some reason, the idea angered him.

Hux made a disgruntled noise and Kylo _looked_ at him. The man paled and started to sweat, growing rigid in his attempt not to show his fear. It pleased Kylo. It pleased him to know how strong he was, how ruthless. He was fulfilling his destiny. Snoke had been holding him back. He knew that now.

He returned to his brooding. She should have killed him. The entire war would have ended had she killed him. So why was he still alive? He remembered her fierceness in the elevator, how she had simply shown up. Why? And why had anger burned him when he saw Snoke hurting her? It made no sense. She called him Ben…

With a roar, he shot up, standing and balling his fists. Weakness—he would not allow it! He was strong! He was ruthless! He needed nobody and he would rule the galaxy, with or without her! Realising his thoughts had already returned to the infuriating woman, he felt like destroying something. Instead, he turned to the man trying hard not to cower in front of him.

“What do you want?” he commanded, loving the way the man trembled. Oh, he was well aware that Hux hated him, would kill him in his sleep if he could, whatever it took. Snoke had given the man too many liberties, not enough punishments. Soon, Hux would learn the meaning of pain.

“One of the scouting crews has reported back in, sir,” the ginger answered. “They think they found a lead.”

Kylo slowly walked up to him. “They _think_ they found a lead?”

Hux swallowed. “It seems a large number of children, handlers of the Fathiers, have disappeared at Canto Bight, Cantonica. Around the same time, an old YT-1300 freighter was spotted. From descriptions, they believe it was the _Millenium Falcon_.”

“Was?”

“Sir?”

“Is the _Falcon_ still there?”

“Uhm, no, sir; it has moved on.”

Kylo Force-pushed Hux without moving a finger or even twitching a muscle, causing him to fly through the room and crash against the door.

“I need to know where they are now!” Kylo shouted. “There’s no use in knowing where they have been; they could be halfway around the galaxy by now! FIND THEM!”

Hux painfully got up. He nodded and left. Kylo didn’t miss the glare the man sent his way while he pretended to accept his order respectfully. _Soon, soon_ , he thought. He knew he needed to cement his power further before he could give Hux what he deserved.

Kylo returned to his throne. He wondered if the scouting report was correct. Picking up a bunch of children? Was that something his Rey would do? He pondered that for a while. Well, she was weak like that, caring for other people. He’d seen as much in her mind. She had even come for him, hadn’t she? Was that why she let him live? Did she care about him too? But then why block their bond? Why not talk to him? Had he disappointed her?

Kylo Ren sat on his newly acquired throne and pondered. He was dark, strong, and ruthless. He needed nobody. He ruled the galaxy. Except this one girl had said no to him, and he simply couldn’t fathom why.

xXxXxXx

For a long time, he stared at the white stripes that formed hyperspace. Not having found any more leads on the Rebellion’s location, Kylo had decided to visit the Command Stations spread across the galaxy. With the _Supremacy_ under repair, he had opted to confiscate the nearest Star Destroyer as his Capital ship.

It gave him a purpose and kept Hux off his back. He would let all the First Order know he was in charge now. Any action against him would be foolish and end in a slow, painful death. Word had spread quickly after he slowly Force-crushed the first officer who dared to oppose him. The act, however, had unsettled him. Gone was the rush of power, the satisfaction that usually accompanied affirming his superiority over others.

With a brisk turn, he swept off the bridge and started stalking the hallways of his Destroyer. He refused to think about that specific failure. The man had simply been so far beneath him that killing him seemed like nothing more than squishing a bug. In his brooding, he almost missed the faint smell of the ocean and the sound of crashing waves that invaded his senses.

“Rey…” he breathed.

Oh, how he longed to see her, longed to hear her, even if she would call him a monster again. She had denied him, and he needed to know why!

With all his might, he grasped the sliver of information that filtered through the bond. He felt Rey’s panic, how she tried to shake him off, but he wouldn’t let her. With his mind, he followed the narrow pathway. He let out a sigh when his mind finally brushed hers.

“Rey,” he whispered again. “Rey.” He ignored her furious attempts to close the bond. “I can’t see you. Why can’t I see you?”

“Go away!”

Kylo frowned at the sound of her voice. Something was wrong.

“No,” he answered. “Let me see you.”

He smiled as he felt her give in, release her stranglehold on the bond so she appeared in front of him. His smile faltered even quicker than it spread.

“You are crying! Why are you crying?”

Instinctively, he reached out to caress her face, to wipe away the tears. She smacked his hand away. It still baffled him that they could actually feel each other through the bond, that they could touch.

“Why don’t you just leave me alone?” Rey suddenly yelled at him. “This is all your fault!”

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “Yes, I know,” he answered, “I’m a monster.”

“That you are!” she replied vehemently. “You must be very happy to know Master Luke is dead. You must have felt the disturbance in the Force after the battle on Crait. We knew, but we still had hope he survived. He didn’t! Fighting you from across the galaxy took too much out of him!” Rey furiously wiped her eyes and turned her back on him. “Go away!”

“Rey…”

He did not know what to say. He knew he should feel victorious learning about Luke’s death. After all, the man had betrayed him, tried to kill him in his sleep! He had been a worthless pretender of a Jedi. Someone who hid behind ancient rules but was unable to follow them himself. Someone who was afraid of the power he possessed.

Unlike Kylo himself, who had fully embraced the Darkness. It was the only true form of power. Nothing good ever came from the Light. It was a pretty picture hiding an ugly truth underneath, nice words with no intentions. At least here, in the Dark, he could stand strong, let go of the past, and rule his own future.

Still, Rey’s words left him with mixed emotions. Yes, there was satisfaction in the knowledge that his old Mentor was no more, but there was also sadness. He growled. There was still too much Light in him; killing his father had not been enough. Was it because he had failed to kill his mother as well?

Rey’s pained laugh ripped him from his thoughts. “See! You don’t care for anybody; you only care about power. I cannot believe I thought there was hope for you.”

“I care about you.” Kylo did not know where the words came from, but he knew they were true. He did care about her. He saved her from Snoke. He asked her to join him. Why had she said no? Why had she let him live? Why couldn’t she see he cared for her?

Rey stared at him. “You have an odd way of showing it,” she said. “Don’t try to find us here; we’ll be long gone before you can ever reach this place. Do not defile the island with your cursed presence.”

And with that, she was gone. Kylo flinched at the sudden loss of contact. He felt adrift, as if he had lost his anchor. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to fight the pain that was trying to overwhelm him. Had she abandoned him like everybody else had?

No! No, he could not believe that. There must be some hope left? Still, the ever-present feeling of loneliness threatened to engulf him, to drag him down into the deepest pits of despair. He would not let that happen! He would fight so she would see his side of things. He would make her his.

With new determination, he strode towards the training grounds. First, he needed to blow off some steam. Regain control of his feelings. He was strong and powerful. Loneliness could hold no place in the mind of the Supreme Leader.


	2. Imminent Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee for wanting to beta this! The story starts right after TLJ.  
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!

Another week had passed since he last managed to contact Rey. In the meantime, he had inspected two Star Destroyers and concocted a plan to redistribute the Knights of Ren over his fleet.

After meeting one of the Knights, he sensed dismay towards him among the brethren. They blamed him for Snoke’s death and that of their brothers protecting him. The story of Rey’s besting him and managing to escape didn’t sit well with them either. So he decided to move them around to prevent them from getting together and forming an opposition.

He was watching out the bay window towards the galaxy beyond. The generals at the table behind him were prattling their updates, boring him into a stupor. Rey’s gentle, yet unexpected touch startled him. His focus sharpened, his attention entirely on her sudden presence.

“Ben?”

She called him Ben again. Why did she do that? That was no longer his name; he was Kylo Ren, part of the Darkness. She shouldn’t be calling him that wretched name his parents had given him!

“Leave!” he commanded the babbling generals.

“Sir?”

“Oh…”

Rey’s voice softly echoed through his brain. He took hold of the bond, not allowing her to slip away while he threateningly repeated his command. The men practically ran each other over in their haste to leave the room. It made him smirk.

When he was certain he was alone, he answered her call. “Rey,” he sighed. “There were others present.”

“Oh,” she said again. He could feel sadness coming through their bond, along with doubt and determination.

“What’s going on?” Kylo asked, finally turning to see her standing in the middle of the room, twitching nervously.

“I thought … uhm … I thought you had the right to know this.”

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Know what?”

“Your mother, Leia—she’s sick, Ben. The loss of all the Resistance members, of Luke, so shortly after having been through an unprotected exposure to outer space—it was all too much. We don’t think she will pull through this time. I’m so sorry, Ben.”

Her fidgeting grew worse as she waited for his answer. He merely stared at her. His mother was dying? How was he supposed to feel about that? He remembered the moment when he had felt her on the bridge of the Resistance ship, how he failed to kill her, and the anger he felt when the bridge was shot down by the other fighters. He still did not know what had possessed him to shoot down his own fighters in retaliation.

“Ben?”

He blinked. “My name is Kylo Ren.”

“Your name is Ben Solo,” Rey answered, proudly lifting her head. “I know he’s still in there.”

There was a moment of silence while the two looked at each other.

“Thank you for informing me,” he finally, formally said.

Rey nodded and released the bond, leaving him alone with his thoughts. In a fit of rage, he pulled out his saber and attacked the meeting room table, slashing it until there was nothing left but ashes. Breathing heavily, he eyed the result before extinguishing his lightsaber and turning back towards the window.

Part of him was relieved that Rey hadn’t seen him behave that way. He quickly snuffed out that little voice. The conflicting emotions were tearing him apart, and he so desperately wanted to be rid of them.

For a long time, he stared out the window, wondering where Rey was, wondering where his mother was. A droid came and went, offering him food and beeping in confusion over the lack of a table. He ignored it. There was no telling how long he stood there, battling himself.

It surprised him when he felt her reach out once more. Why would she contact him twice in a day? He turned to see her standing in the middle of the room, on top of what once was the table. A pang of shame shot through him. He quenched it.

“Back so soon?” he asked.

She seemed even more anxious than before. When she looked up at him, however, her formidable determination became visible. The way she squared her shoulders reminded him of her little speech on their way to Snoke.

“Leia—she confessed to me that she wished with all her heart she could see you one more time before she died.” A look of pain flashed through her eyes. “She doesn’t know I’m doing this—she wouldn’t approve—but I’m asking you if you would honour a dying woman’s last wish. Your mother’s last wish.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes at her, suspicious. “So, you’re telling me you’re just going to give me the coordinates of your location, and you expect me to come flying in on my own, like you did? Why do I find that hard to believe?” he spat out.

She flinched. “Don’t be like that, Ben.”

“MY NAME IS KYLO REN!”

“I refuse to call you that!” Rey took a deep breath. “Ben, please. I was ... Leia is Force sensitive; you know that. I was thinking, hoping, to connect her to our bond so she could see you like I see you.”

He straightened from the slightly crouched position he had unconsciously taken.

“Tell me how you block our bond.”

She blinked at him in surprise. “I don’t really know. After ... after Crait ... we lost so many people. You attacked us. I didn’t want to see you again, or talk to you again. I focussed on keeping you out, and it worked.” She looked away from him. “I’m not really sure I want to talk to you now,” she whispered.

He heard, nevertheless. It hurt. She was saying _no_ to him again. Why? He ran a hand through his hair, feeling agitated.

“You need a teacher, Rey.”

The look she gave him confused him even more. There was obvious longing, hope, but also anger and resentment. It made no sense.

“Will you do it?” she asked, completely ignoring his comment.

He didn’t know if he could. See his mother again, after all this time? Did he want to? He turned his back to Rey; they could touch, but she could not really, physically hurt him. That had been established during their first connection.

Part of him also wanted to believe she would not kill him, that she did not want to. Why had she let him live? Why? He could not simply ask her. That would be showing weakness. He would not allow it.

With another sigh, he contemplated her request. Could he face his mother? What would he say? Could he decline and never see her again? Why would she even want to see him? He represented everything she stood against. He lead the troops that were trying to annihilate her people.

“Are you sure she wants to see me?”

“Yes, Ben, she does. She loves you, you know.”

He scoffed and remained silent for a long time.

“Would it make you happy?” Kylo almost flinched at his own words. Why did it matter?

“What?” Rey answered, sounding perplexed, before regaining her composure. “Yes, Ben, it would.”

“Tomorrow, ten o’clock, standard time. Now, leave!”

He pulled back, away from her, before he could change his mind. Left alone once more, he continued to stare out into space, trying to regain the emptiness that had kept him going for so long. It took him a long time before he succeeded.

When he woke the next morning, he was feeling unnerved, uncertain, and he hated it. He stalked the halls of the ship, hardly noticing the Stormtroopers scurrying out of his way. At a quarter to ten, he arrived at the same meeting room he had occupied the day before. The remnants of the table had been cleared away, but the table had not yet been replaced. That suited him just fine; it gave him more room to pace.

Ten o’clock came and went, and he was starting to feel stupid. Where was she? Had it all been an elaborate joke? Was it a new Resistance tactic? Toy with his feelings in an attempt to weaken him? Was his mother even really dying? Rage was starting to consume him when she finally contacted him.

“Ben? _Ben_?” Rey sounded urgent. “Are you still there? I’m so sorry!”

“Where have you been?” he shouted at her. “You think you can toy with me?” He ignored his guilty conscious when he saw her flinch.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I had to explain to Leia the bond and she—” Rey glanced to her left, “didn’t take it so well.”

He calmed slightly at her confession. “You hadn’t told her about the bond yet?”

She shook her head, looking slightly guilty. “I told you she wouldn’t approve of the method. She thinks I’m endangering myself.” She once more glanced to the left. “I am not!” she said into nothing.

Kylo glanced at the empty space beside Rey, suddenly feeling nervous. He schooled his expression into absolute neutrality. “She’s there? With you?”

Rey nodded. “I don’t know if this is going to work, or how long I can hold the connection. I just know I really want this to happen.” She looked at him, but he didn’t understand the world of meaning in her eyes. “Are you ready?”

He straightened and gave her a tiny nod. He would face his mother. He would not kill her, as he did his father, but he would face her. He would kill the past, if not the person who helped shape it.

Moving to the side, Rey seemed to take hold of something before closing her eyes, scrunching up her nose in concentration. For a moment, he could not help but think she looked adorable. His study of her was interrupted as a shape started to take form under her left hand. Before long, he could see his mother.

It shocked him to see how old she had become. Somehow, it had never occurred to him that she would age. In his mind’s eye, she still looked the same as when he last saw her, in his late teens. He surveyed her, fighting to keep his face neutral and hide his inner turmoil. She looked pale. It was obvious she was ill, lying on her back on what he guessed was a bed, blankets tucked in around her.

“Ben,” she whispered. He didn’t respond. “My son, I’m so sorry.”

Her words threw him off guard. He couldn’t prevent the sharp intake of breath they caused. Swallowing, he tried to dislodge the lump in his throat. Staring at his mother, he realised his carefully constructed mask was failing him. He could not show weakness! He was strong, fearless, ruthless!

“Ben,” Leia said again, smiling slightly.

He wanted to correct her, tell her his name was Kylo, but found that he couldn’t.

“It’s okay, son; you don’t have to say anything.”

His eyes narrowed at her comment. Did she pity him? Did she think he needed her? She was sorely mistaken!

A small whimper distracted him. Looking at Rey, he saw she was breathing heavily, beads of sweat forming on her forehead and rolling down her neck.

“Rey,” he said softly, “you have to let go; you’ll exhaust yourself.”

“I can hold on a little while longer,” she answered through gritted teeth.

Kylo glanced at Leia, surprised to see the woman looking between the two of them with a secretive smile on her lips. Ignoring her, he turned back to Rey to repeat his words, but his mother spoke first.

“Let go, Rey. It’s okay.”

“I can hold!” she insisted. “I can do this. At least I can do—”

The sudden disappearance of the bond felt like a slap in the face. “Rey!” he cried, looking at the place she had just occupied. Reaching out, he found nothing. Worried, he started to pace again. The pain in his chest was unbearable, making him want to destroy things. At the same time, for the first time in years, he didn’t want to use violence to vent his emotions. The idea that Rey might see one of his fits of rage made him want to cringe. Having her in the forefront of his mind held back the impulse.

In desperation, he sank down to the floor.

Ever since the Jedi academy, meditation had not been something he enjoyed. It had never come easily to him, and he hated it with a vengeance. As soon as he could, he’d stopped doing it altogether.

Now, however, with his mind and emotions in such chaos, he returned to it. He was surprised by how quickly he slipped into a meditative state. For the longest time, Kylo Ren sat on the floor, breathing, listening, and waiting, until Rey’s flicker of life once more glimmered at the edge of his consciousness.

  



	3. The Inevitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee for being two wonderful, lovely beta’s. You’re making the story much, much better!
> 
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!

He knew there was nothing left to do but wait for the inevitable. Rey didn’t block the bond like she did before, but she didn’t allow him any contact either. Kylo was unsure of how to feel about that. Hadn’t he faced his mother for her?

He growled. No! He faced his mother to rid himself of his past, to grow stronger. _She_ had nothing to do with it. Still, her refusal to talk to him filled him with a certain kind of restlessness. A type of restlessness that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much he trained and sparred.

His plans for the First Order, however, were coming along nicely. The scouts were still unable to find any trace of the Resistance, but really, with so few of them left and Rey untrained, how much of a threat could they be?

The troops had been visited and the Knights reassigned. All the crews now knew who he was; they knew to fear him and his saber. A pleased smirk graced his face as he remembered some of the attempts at uprising he had quelled. Yes, he had set quite a few examples. He had struck fear and respect into the bodies and minds of his generals. They knew better than to try and oppose him now.

Which left only Hux. Returning to the almost repaired _Supremacy_ , he could not help imagining all the things he could do to the man. Swiftly walking to the main hangar of the Destroyer, he noticed two patrolling Troopers trying to hide their flinch while giving him a wide berth. It pleased Kylo to no end.

Leaving Hux behind on their primary ship to oversee the reparations had been a risk. As protocol described, the man was waiting with Phasma and a platoon of Troopers when Kylo’s shuttle landed. Although the man was nothing but polite and correct, something about him radiated glee, causing Kylo to tense.

“Dismissed,” he ordered. “Except you, Hux.”

The man stiffened but inclined his head. Kylo circled him, slowly, deliberately, revelling in the tenseness that seeped into the man’s posture.

“Tell me, Hux,” he drew out the name, “how has the rebuild been going?”

“As planned, sir.”

He started toying with the hilt of his saber, twirling it this way and that, making sure the men saw it.

“Anything else?”

“No, sir.”

“Then you have served your purpose, don’t you think?”

He ignited his saber and grinned as Hux practically jumped out of his skin with fright. Swiftly turning, he strode away from the landing dock and towards his chambers. He would leave the man be for a couple of days, see what he had up his sleeve, before giving him what he deserved.

It took only two days before Hux showed his cards and tried to kill Kylo with the help of some of his followers. A small battle ensued where Kylo cut through the defected Troopers as if they were butter. He enjoyed it every second of it.

Kylo gloated when he had Hux strapped to a chair. The man tried to remain stoic at his arrest, showing pride and defiance. However, once it became clear where exactly they were taking him, he had paled and started shivering. Having the ginger at his mercy made Kylo feel powerful.

Torturing the man became his primary outlet for the frustration and anger he carried around. It was a joy to delve into Hux’s mind and plant horrors and nightmares in it; tweaking the man’s greatest fears and playing with them, making him feel physical pain that wasn’t really there. Perhaps, when he broke down completely, Kylo could make him serve again, build him up like a puppet.

It was during one of his torture sessions that the inevitable finally happened. A lurch disturbed the Force, followed by the feeling of a massive, raw, gaping hole, the wailing of grief surrounding it.

Kylo froze. Turmoil reigned in his head and heart. He had expected to feel relieved, but now he felt confused, pained, torn. Then, he was bludgeoned by a myriad of emotions that weren’t his, causing him to stagger. _Rey…_

Forgetting about Hux, he turned and strode off to the privacy of his chambers. He found her there, curled up against a wall, as if the Force had known he was coming and projected her there instead of in his presence. She was sobbing uncontrollably, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees. It pained him to see her like that.

“Rey,” he whispered.

She didn’t acknowledge him. He wasn’t even sure she’d heard him. Carefully, he lowered himself to the ground next to her.

“Rey,” he said again.

She startled slightly but didn’t respond in any way. Kylo was at a loss. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to make her stop crying, but didn’t know how. He reached up to touch her elbow, but stopped halfway, staring at his gloves.

No, he would not touch her with the same gloves he had just used to torture Hux. He would not defile her by connecting the two. She was too pure for that. With angry, abrupt movements, he tore off his gloves and tossed them away.

“Rey,” he once more said. She hiccuped as his fingers finally, lightly, caressed her arm.

“She died,” Rey stuttered. “I’m so sorry, Ben; your mother died. Leia died.” Her sobbing recommenced.

“I know,” Kylo answered, leaning his head against the wall. “I felt it. I felt the disturbance in the Force.”

“Everybody leaves me. They always leave me. My parents, Han, Leia, Finn, Poe—they all leave me behind.”

Kylo’s curiosity peaked. “The pilot and the traitor?”

“They’re … not here.”

“Ah.” He didn’t dare comment on it further. He reached for her arm again, wanting to somehow reassure her of his presence. “I won’t leave you.” Kylo wondered where those words had come from but knew them to be true. He would never leave her. If only she could see that. If only she would join him.

Rey snorted. “That’s because you can’t!”

She looked up at him. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her face blotchy. Still, he thought she looked beautiful.

“You only stay because you can’t leave. You don’t want to be here!” Her voice grew louder with every word. “I’m sure that if you could rid yourself of our bond, you would do it without hesitation. You would leave me behind, just like the rest of them!”

He blinked at her vehemence. Did she really believe that?

“No,” he answered. “No, I would not.”

Why did she believe he would abandon her? He promised her the world. She was the one to turn it down. It didn’t make any sense. How? How could he make her understand, truly understand, that he would not leave her? He wanted her by his side.

“You’re lying!”

“I am not.”

He did not know what to do. He hated feeling this helpless, this clueless. It made him want to rage, but the rage never came. He just felt sad, confused, uncertain. That, too, didn’t make any sense.

“How can you be so calm?” Rey suddenly shouted at him, her eyes sparkling.

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. Nothing made sense anymore, not with her.

She stared at him. He could see her sudden bout of rage crumble around her. Fresh tears started spilling from her eyes.

“I am all alone.”

“You are not.”

It felt like an echo. A story and a reassurance, given what felt like a lifetime ago. Without really thinking about it, he pulled at her arm and grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers.

“You are not,” he repeated.

As if the contact strengthened their bond, more of her emotions flowed into him. How one person could feel so much without breaking apart was a mystery to him. It left him breathless, panting, feeling like he was going to drown and forever disappear into his own mind.

Her small hand squeezed his and he felt the worst of the storm subside. He felt like he could breathe again, but the pain and turmoil remained. The Force flowed around them as they derived strength from each other’s company.

Kylo grieved his mother, even though he knew he should simply toss it aside as a useless part of his past. With Rey by his side, he also found the strength to mourn his father. Kylo realised he could not follow the teachings of the Dark when it came to the death of his parents, and it greatly disturbed him. He wondered what was becoming of him. He wondered if he had made a mistake by killing Snoke. The life he had now—was that really what he wanted?

 


	4. Uncertainties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!  
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!

Things had changed between them. However, Kylo didn’t know how it had happened, or what exactly it was that had changed. The situation remained the same; she didn’t talk to him, didn’t allow him contact. Still, something had changed. It drove him crazy.

Part of him—a part he did not wish to acknowledge—wanted to hold her hand again. He had doubled the troops looking for signs of the Resistance—of her. However, he wasn’t sure anymore what he would do if he found them.

He growled. Attack, of course! He would wipe them out! Rid the galaxy of their presence, make the First Order the only force of power, make himself the ruler of it all. He was strong, ruthless, powerful, and soon, he would be unchallenged!

Nodding to himself, he lounged luxuriously on his throne. The throne room was empty, making every sound echo eerily. Snoke had always kept guards around, a sign of power, he said. Kylo disagreed. It also showed he had a weakness. Sitting alone, sitting without guards—it showed he had nothing to fear. All men were bugs beneath his fingers. He could crush them in an instance.

In truth, he was bored. The First Order practically ran itself; only the most important information came his way and needed reviewing. With nobody to chase, and no rebellious planets going into an uprising, there was little left to do. He could only wait, and think, and wonder. Wonder about what to do when _they_ were found.

He slammed his fist down on the armrest of the throne. It should not be that difficult! It should be a clear path, an easy decision! He was about to storm off when she appeared in front of him. She was all blazing fury, relentless nervousness, pacing to and fro like a caged animal.

“Have you ever read the sacred texts of the Jedi?” she demanded without so much as a greeting.

He looked at her in surprise, before resentment bubbled up. “Read them? No, they are sacred for a reason. _Luke_ ,” he spat out the name, “did go on and on about them though. I doubt there’s anything in there I haven’t heard from him.”

“They don’t make any sense!”

That took him off guard. “Wait; you have them?”

Rey waved her hand dismissively. “Yes, I have them, but they don’t make any sense!”

He stood and walked over to her, intent on making her stop pacing. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he forced her to turn and look at him.

“At least on that we agree.”

She grimaced at his words. “Did you know they order the Jedi to leave behind their friends, their family? To grow unattached? To stay alone? All in the name of objectivity?” Rey looked up at him. “It says they will cause you to turn to the Dark.”

Kylo stayed silent. Leaving behind one’s family and friends was something the Dark and the Light agreed on. They were a weakness, a danger, something that held you back from reaching your full potential. They were better left in the past, cut off. One could only be strong with only oneself to account for.

Rey stepped out of his hold and started pacing again. He watched her, wondering why she had even come to him to discuss this.

“How can me throwing away my friendships, those I consider family, make me a better person? It’s absurd! How can being isolated make you better at judging the ways of men? It’s absolutely illogical!”

She turned back to him, her shoulders drooping, her eyes turning sad. “How can it be that, in order to become a Jedi, I’ll have to leave them all behind? Leave behind every connection I have?”

He tried to stay impassive as the full scope of her words hit him, when the unspoken words registered in his mind. _How can I leave you behind?_ Fear struck his heart and he loathed it. He could feel the desolation coming from Rey in waves. There was no need to look into her head in order for him to see echoes of the vast, desert planes of Jakku, to feel the bone-deep loneliness that came with it.

Kylo bristled at the onslaught of emotions, at the recognition of his own fear, and furrowed his brow.

“What do you want from me?” he asked brusquely. “Do you want me to pity you?”

Rey drew back in surprise, but quickly regained her balance, fisting her hands at her sides. “I don’t know!” she shouted back.

“Do you want me to tell you how to do it? Or do you want me to tell you it will all be okay?”

“I don’t know!” she shouted again.

“They tore me away from my family as well! _Luke,_ ” he spat out the word again, “took me away when I was eleven, to become distant, to be alone amongst others. Do you want me to tell you it’s the right thing to do? Do you want me to tell you the _Jedi_ got it all right?”

“They got it wrong!” Rey yelled at him in fury.

They were practically standing nose to nose. He could see the fire burning in her eyes, those beautiful brown eyes.

“And they wronged you, just as they wronged all those other children,” she continued, softer. Turning her back to him, she wrapped her arms around herself. “How can I teach if I know nothing myself?” It was said barely above a whisper, but he caught it all the same.

“Teach?”

She stiffened. He could feel her trying to leave, but he wouldn’t let her, taking hold of the bond and anchoring her to him.

“Teach?” he repeated. Again, he grasped her shoulders and turned her so she would face him. “Teach who? Are there others? Are there others like us out there?” Kylo barely recognised the desperation in his own voice.

Rey looked at him. There were so many emotions in her eyes, and he couldn’t decipher even one of them. Finally, she seemed to reach a conclusion. “We … picked up some children along the way.”

“At Canto Bight,” he remarked dryly. “I know.”

She seemed taken aback by that. “You do?” A small shake of her head. “Of course you do. One of them, Temiri, shows clear signs of the Force. And one of the little ones, Lyra, has shown some promise as well. She’s only six, so there’s no way of knowing for sure though.”

Kylo blankly stared at her. “Force users,” he breathed.

“Please,” Rey suddenly whispered. “Please promise me you won’t kill them if you ever find them.”

That shook him out of his daze. “Kill them?” he asked, bewildered. “I would teach them,” he continued, before adding as an afterthought, “as I would teach you.”

Rey snorted. “Teach them the Dark Side? Teach them how to hate and rage? How is that not a fate worse than death?”

Kylo growled, his hands clenching and his eyes narrowing. Rey didn’t heed the warning, her voice rising in anger and desperation.

“You want to snuff out their light? You want them to murder and spill blood? Tear apart who they are and put darkness in its place?”

“IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME? ALWAYS AND ONLY A MONSTER?” Kylo roared. He strode away from her, resisting the urge to ignite his saber, to feel the comfort of its power. Why did he care so much? Why did her words hurt? Her rejection of his knowledge? There was a long stretch of silence as he fought to stay in control.

“Ben, I’m sorry. I- I didn’t mean it that way.” She sounded so small, brittle, like she was on the verge of breaking.

“The name is Kylo,” he ground out.

“Ben, don’t, don’t do this.”

The words echoed, images of another meeting, a battle, rushing before his eyes. What did she mean by that? Before and now? What was he doing wrong?

“I- I don’t think the monster is who you truly are,” Rey whispered.

He whipped around to face her. “What does that even mean?”

She gave him a small smile. “That, to me, you will always be Ben.”

Rey disappeared after that, leaving him staring into nothing and feeling more confused than ever before.

“You can talk to her, the girl.”

Kylo turned to the unexpected voice, igniting his lightsaber and crouching into a fighting stance. In the shadows of the room, he could vaguely make out Phasma—the formidable woman that had somehow survived falling into the flames of a burning hangar.

“You can talk to her,” she repeated, taking a couple of steps forward.

He tensed, ready to attack. This was not a secret to be revealed. Rey was his and his alone. It would be a sad thing to kill Phasma; she was a good commander.

Slowly, the woman reached up. With a soft hiss, her helmet came loose. Kylo realised that, for all the years he had known her, he had never seen her face. He was surprised to see a pretty blond emerge from the armor.

There was a burn scar that started just below her left eye, traced a fiery path to the skin under her ear, and then down her neck, into the standard-issue black bodysuit. Apparently, the medi-droids hadn’t been able to fix all the damage. It didn’t make her look any less beautiful to him, though. On the contrary, it added to her fierceness.

Phasma tucked her helmet under her arm. “I’m at your mercy, Kylo Ren,” she said. “All I can do is promise you I won’t tell a soul. I can see the effect she has on you, and, if I may be so candid, I like it. I also think you can use an ally on this ship. Hux was an idiot, but even idiots can amass followers.”

Kylo contemplated her. There was no way of knowing she was sincere. Yet, she talked sense.

“Why?” he finally asked, straightening but still holding his saber tightly. “What do you have to gain?”

She shrugged. “You spoke with the girl about the Jedi ways, about their recruitment.”

He narrowed his eyes again. Exactly how long had she been present in the throne room? How much had she heard? He acknowledged her statement with a terse nod.

“Do you know,” she continued, “how most of the Troopers are recruited? I think you will see some similarities. I may not know all my soldiers by name, but I am responsible for them. I take that responsibility to heart.”

Silence reigned. It bothered Kylo that he, indeed, did not know how the many Stormtroopers were recruited. Was there truth in Phasma’s words? Finally, he decided to take the risk. Having an ear among the crew, even if it was a highly placed one, could come in handy.

He extinguished his saber. “One misstep and you end up like Hux.”

Phasma nodded before putting her helmet back on.

“Understood.”

She turned and briskly walked out of the room, once more leaving Kylo on his own. He sank down on his throne and sighed. What to do next? He closed his eyes and lost himself in thought.

  



	5. Knowledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!
> 
> FYI: I'm adding extra tags to the story. I've noticed that in chapters later on it gets a bit heavy on both physical and psychological abuse.

Kylo paced in his chambers, as he was often prone to do. Following Phasma’s words, he had sent out people to take stock of the recruitment. He had worded it as if he was looking for a general report on numbers per tactic, to see if the recruitment was well balanced with the demand.

The report wasn’t due for another two weeks, but it had him anxious. What had Phasma meant? Why had she prompted him to do so? In the meantime, she had somehow manoeuvred herself into becoming head of his personal guard. He couldn’t decide whether or not he should be worried about that bit of tactical genius.

No matter how he looked at it, however, he couldn’t deny that he was pleased by her actions. If she really did intend to be his _ally_ , as she had so precisely put, her proximity was useful. It would also help if Rey were to contact him at an inopportune time.

“Rey,” he muttered under his breath. Another enigma. He couldn’t figure out what she meant by her words. One more thing to be confused about, next to her constant refusal of him. And—if he could believe Phasma—she had an ‘effect’ on him.

What effect? He didn’t understand. According to Phasma, it was a good one, but then again, he didn’t know if he could trust the woman or not. What if it wasn’t a good one? What if it was making him weak?

Kylo ran his hands through his hair in frustration and growled. He almost longed for the days when all he had to do was follow orders. No! Those days were horrible, a nightmare come true, and he’d better not forget it. He was Supreme Leader now, like he’d always wanted. The galaxy lay at his feet! He was powerful and he would remain that way until his death!

Smiling at his own reassurance, he sat himself down on his bed, only to quickly get to his feet again. There was Rey’s revelation of other Force users. How could she possibly think he would kill them? He felt frustrated and sad. Of course he wouldn’t! How glorious would it be to be able to train them, to once more form an Order?

When his feelings persevered despite his imaginary glory, he realised the feelings were not his own. He sat down again. Would he dare contact her? He had let her be for so long now, knowing she would only rebuke him if he tried and hoping leaving her alone would improve the situation—hoping she would come to him.

Sighing, he decided it was worth the risk. The thought of her being sad tugged at … something in his chest. He refused to think of the implications of that.

Gently, he reached out. “Rey?”

A flurry of emotions rushed through their bond. Surprise first, quickly followed by apprehension, confusion, acceptance, and something he would have identified as gratitude, had he not known better. It took him off guard.

Slowly, she came into view, sitting cross-legged on the floor, Luke’s broken saber in her lap. She didn’t lift her head in greeting, continuing to look down at her hands. Kylo moved to sit in front of her. Their legs were almost touching. He noticed that she was smaller than he. Of course he had always known, but somehow, due to her immense strength, he never really _noticed_. It made him want to protect her.

He shook his head to dispel the thought. “Rey,” he softly said. “I could … feel your emotions. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t fix this,” she whispered, still not looking up.

“Don’t you have the Jedi texts?” he asked. He wanted to see her face, see those brown eyes of hers.

A small sniff escaped her. “They say very little about the sabers. And they are awfully outdated.”

Kylo stayed silent for a while, looking at the broken saber. It made sense that the texts would be outdated; how old were they anyway? His own saber didn’t even resemble the old style of Luke’s anymore.

It occurred to him that he could take a look at it. Hadn’t he studied sabers? Hadn’t he built his own from scratch? He battled with himself. Was it really such a smart move to restore the saber that was in enemy hands? Did he still consider Rey an enemy? He wanted her to trust him, like him even; although, he did not understand why. Wasn’t he better off alone?

Dragging his hands through his already ruffled hair, he made up his mind. “Shall I take a look at it?”

Her head shot up. Suspicion, combined with hope, reached him through their connection.

“I can hardly make it worse,” he added.

Rey snorted. Looking back down, she almost lovingly caressed the broken pieces, before slowly taking hold of them and handing them to him. His chest warmed at the realisation that she would actually allow him to handle something that was obviously so precious to her. He didn’t let that show though, carefully keeping his face neutral.

For a moment, he wondered how the bond actually worked. He was now holding something in his hands that was originally at Rey’s side of the bond. If he were to disconnect, would he still be holding the saber? Given that she willingly gave it to him? Or would it turn out to be an illusion, like those damned dice? He decided not to test it—she would never trust him if he tried something like that.

Turning the pieces over and over, examining the broken circuits, he quickly came to the conclusion he feared the most. He checked again, just to make sure that he hadn’t made a mistake. Carefully, he handed them back to Rey. Her fingers brushed his, and he regretted wearing his gloves, so he quickly took them off.

The hopeful look she gave him almost made him cringe. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It can’t be fixed; the most important parts are completely destroyed.”

A sharp stab of pain and grief made him flinch. She was holding the saber tightly to her chest, and he could see how she was trying very hard not to cry in front of him. Disbelief smacked him upside the head, a moment of doubt and suspicion followed by the realisation that he couldn’t lie to her through the bond.

“No…”

Her voice cracked at the end, sounding so hollow and pained he felt the irrational need to apologise to her. The tear that escaped her grief-stricken eyes was his undoing.

“No, no, don’t cry,” he begged, reaching out to wipe a thumb across her cheek, taking the tear with it. “Please, don’t cry. Why don’t you make a new one? One just for you?” He dropped his hand to rest on her ankles. It surprised him that she let him.

“I don’t know how.”

He could see it pained her to make that confession.

“But I do,” he answered softly.

Rey’s head shot up, surprise written all over it. “You would … teach me?”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Haven’t I told you so before?”

“Yes … But .. I didn’t think … I thought …”

Kylo smirked at her babbling, rather liking the way her face was flushing.

“You will teach me how to build a lightsaber?” she finally managed to ask.

“Yes.” He knew he was going to regret it later. There would probably come a day when she would use that new saber of hers against him. “Yes, I will.”

Her bright smile seemed to light up his entire room. He was unprepared for the strength of the joy and gratitude she sent him over their bond and didn’t know how to deal with it. He took a stronger hold of her ankle, as if the sheer force of it would blow him away.

“Thank you, Ben.”

He didn’t mind the name this time. The expectant look on her face made him take another risk.

“Will you let me into your mind?”

The change in her was instant. Her eyes narrowed as she shot up to tower over him. Vicious anger bubbled to the surface,  her hands balled in tight fists by her side. When had she become so volatile?

“So that’s what this is about?” she yelled at him. “Give me some hope so I’ll let you into my mind? So you can do what? Find our base? Find our plans?”

Kylo fought all his instincts to stand and confront her head on. Having her loom over him, no matter how small she was, made him want to defend himself, show her who was the stronger of the two. He used every ounce of self-control he had to stay seated and look up at her with a neutral face.

“No,” he answered calmly, “no, that is not my intent.” The words didn’t seem to influence her and he sighed. “How to make a saber takes a lot of information, Rey,” he continued. “Verbally teaching you would take hours, if not days. If you would allow me in your head, I could, in a way, deposit the information straight into your brain.”

The shocked look on her face would have been comical, had she not still been hovering over him.

“You- you can do that? That’s possible?”

“In theory.”

“In theory? What do you mean, in theory?”

“It’s not like I have tried it before,” he answered. “Well, not to that extent or for that purpose.”

Her eyes narrowed again. “But you’ve done something similar?”

He looked away from her. For some reason, he now felt ashamed of his actions. “I’ve planted … hallucinations in people’s heads before.”

There was a long silence before Rey grasped his meaning. “Oh.”

She slowly lowered herself to once more sit in front of him. To his surprise, she took hold of one of his hands. It seemed so big compared to hers. The contact made his skin tingle.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I- I’m still having some trouble trusting you.”

He shrugged and looked up at her, trying hard not to stare at their connected hands.

“Do you promise not to roam around in my head?” There was a small tremor in her voice, betraying her uneasiness.

“Yes, Rey, I promise.”

“Okay. How do we do this?”

He gave her a small smile, which she automatically returned. “Just, don’t fight me this time.”

She guffawed. “I’ll try not to.”

“I guess that’s all the reassurance I’ll get, hmm?”

Her smile was playful and it warmed his heart. With his free hand, he reached out to touch her cheek. There was little to no resistance as he submerged himself in her mind. It was such a beautiful, bright place. He wanted to stay there forever; it was what had drawn him to her in the first place, amongst other things.

Resisting the urge to simply drift, he gathered the necessary knowledge in his own head and proceeded to leak it into hers. Her small gasp almost made him lose focus. The sound traveled down his spine and spread through his entire body. Once finished, he reluctantly withdrew.

“There,” he whispered, trying to regain his bearings, “that should be all you need.” He opened his eyes to see the softest expression he had ever seen on her face. She was still holding his hand.

“Thank you, Ben.”

For the longest time, they contented themselves with staring into each other’s eyes, until a sound he couldn’t hear drew Rey’s attention.

“I have to go,” she said, raising his hand to kiss his knuckles. “Bye, Ben.”

She faded from view, leaving him to stare at the empty spot. His knuckles still tingled from where she had kissed them. He felt as if his heart was going to pound out of his chest, and wondered why that was. Above all, Rey still confused him. He did not understand her behaviour towards him, nor could he predict how she would behave next. It was an unsettling feeling. However, she was starting to trust him. Kylo sighed and allowed himself to smile.


	6. A Calming Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!
> 
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!

He was raging. The meeting room was in shambles, completely unrecognizable, and still he was hacking away. The walls were starting to come down and deep gashes marred both ceiling and floor. Still, he was raging.

How could he not have known? How could he have missed it? How was this even possible? He vividly remembered the meeting he just had.

_“Sir, the report about the recruitments is ready. I have a copy for you.”_

_He looked at one of his intelligence officers, nodding once to acknowledge his words. “Tell me about it,” he demanded._

_“All is well, sir; recruitment is continuing at its usual rate.”_

_Kylo waited, but the man didn’t seem inclined to add to his words. A lifted eyebrow and a clenching of his fists did the trick._

_“Of course, sir, if you would like more details,” the man hurried to add, “there are some fluctuations between the different methods, but that is only to be expected.”_

_Kylo growled; this was not the information he needed. There was no way for him to simply ask about the methods—thus showing his own ignorance—so he merely prompted the annoying man to continue._

_“Well,” the officer said, surprised by the Supreme Leader’s interest in the matter, “the number of volunteers is going up. It seems our recent victories have convinced the masses that we are a cause to sign up for.”_

_There was a general, pleased muttering around the table. Kylo twitched and it quickly died down._

_“Uhm, well,” the man stuttered, “we are also still considered a good source of money, as the poor continue to sell their children to us. The recently conquered planets are being scourged for young males and females to join our order, not that they have much choice. The same goes for cities that have rebelled or caused us problems. All in all, we are at our normal rate of recruitment.”_

_Kylo had frozen in place, the implications of the man’s words registering in his brain. He clenched his teeth to control his mounting anger._

_“Out,” he growled._

_“Sir?” the man stupidly asked. “Are you not pleased?”_

_“OUT!” he shouted, abruptly rising._

_The crew around the table stumbled to their feet and ran, his fits of rage well known and feared. He had unleashed his saber as soon as the last of them left. Then, he raged._

He saw red, his vision blurring at the edges as he wielded his saber, cutting through everything in his path. How could this be?

“Ben?”

His muscles blocked as he heard her sweet voice behind him. He didn’t want her to see him this way. It would frighten her, for sure; yet he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop the anger and fury that coursed through his veins and set his blood on fire.

“Go away!” he barked, barely recognising his own voice.

His muscles trembled with the effort to keep still, to not move until she left. When she didn’t move, didn’t respond, he tried to block the bond and forcefully throw her out. However, she must have learned his trick. With the stubbornness he so admired in her, she held onto the bond, refusing to leave.

“Ben?” she asked again, confusion clear in her voice.

He didn’t want to think about the tinge of hurt he could hear in it too. He could hold no longer. The edges of his vision were blurring red once more, and he could practically feel the Force crackle around him.

“Suit yourself,” he finally managed to ground out.

With wide, uncontrolled swings, he started hacking away at the wall, barely cognizant of the enraged wails he was letting out. The wall trembled under the onslaught. Holes were forming, and he knew it wouldn’t take much longer before he would be able to simply walk into the meeting room nextdoor and continue the destruction there.

Two arms wrapped around his torso, pulling him back against Rey’s warm body, her head resting between his shoulder blades. The shock of the sudden connection caused him to freeze mid-swing. He didn’t dare move, hardly dared to breathe.

Her arms tightened slightly. Kylo didn’t know what to do and simply stood there, his saber still blazing in his hand. It felt glorious to have her wrapped around him. He couldn’t remember the last time anybody had given him a hug. For a moment, he allowed his mind to wander to the past, searching for another hug, another moment of caring, human contact. His mother’s face floated in his brain and he quickly shoved it away, returning to the present.

“Ben,” Rey said against his back, “what’s wrong?”

His shoulders sagged; his lightsaber died as his hands fell to his sides. Pain lanced through him as he contemplated whether or not to tell her. What would she think? He decided to keep his answer vague.

“I received a report about our recruitment numbers and tactics.”

“Oh.”

There was something in her voice, a certain hesitancy, that made him think there was more meaning behind it.

“Oh?” he echoed.

“What did you expect me to say, Ben? I can hardly condone the First Order recruitment tactics.”

He abruptly turned, taking a step back and dislodging her arms from around him. “You knew?” Rage came coursing back through his system.

“You didn’t?” she asks, stunned.

It was like a bucket of ice-cold water dumped over his head. Once more, his posture slumped. Of course she must have thought he knew. He’s the Supreme Leader. How could he not know? She must think him an ignorant fool.

He shook his head and took another step back. Wasn’t he strong? Ruthless? Why was he feeling so conflicted about this? They were just recruits, nothing more, needed to keep the peace. What did it matter where they came from?

“Ben?” Rey asked again.

Her voice struck him with clarity. He couldn’t help but draw parallels between the children and young adults taken from their families and his own send-off to Jedi training. His head shot up to regard Rey as he realised her parents could have just as easily sold her to the First Order as they did to that scavenger Plutt. She could have been one of the Stormtroopers.

“No, no, I didn’t know,” he finally admitted. He clipped his saber back to his belt and dragged a hand through his hair. “It- it was never something I needed to worry about.”

There was a long silence where he tried to clamp down on his emotions and return to the state of emptiness he was so trained in. It didn’t work; it never came. Rey merely stood there and watched him. He wondered what she was thinking but didn’t dare ask in case she would call him a monster again. When had he started caring about that?

“We are tearing apart families,” he whispered.

“Oh, Ben.” She tilted her head. “Why don’t you change it?”

“What?” He blinked at her in utter confusion.

“Change it.”

“How?”

The corner of her mouth twitched in amusement. She stepped forward and lightly poked his chest. “You are the Supreme Leader, aren’t you?”

“I am… I am!”

Her laugh tinkled around him and he couldn’t help a smile of his own. He quickly sobered again, though.

“Still, how?” he asked.

Rey thought about it for a while. “Do you still need the same amount of recruits?” she finally asked. “I would think that, since there’s less fighting, less recruits are needed?”

“I could order them to stop buying children?” he suggested.

To his utter surprise, she denied the notion. Her eyes looked haunted—hurt so apparent in them he wanted to shield her from her memories.

“No,” she answered. “These people—if they can’t sell their children to you, they’ll sell them somewhere else.”

He understood the implied reasoning. ‘At least you can make sure they’re taken care of.’ He nodded.

“Stop forcefully removing children from their families, Ben,” she said. “They don’t want to fight for you; aren’t they a liability?”

Kylo suddenly realised he had never told her the different recruitment tactics; yet she hadn’t flinched at his mention of buying children, and she knew about the forced recruitings.

“How do you know so much about this?” He couldn’t help the hint of steel that crept into his voice.

She had the audacity to roll her eyes at him. “I’m with the Resistance, Ben. What kind of a resistance would we be if we didn’t know? Besides, we have Finn.”

“The traitor.”

“Finn, Ben, his name is Finn.” She looked over her shoulder at something he couldn’t see. “Look, I have to go. Think about it, okay?”

With a last smile, she disappeared from view. “Rey,” he breathed after her, hoping the echo would carry through their bond.

Sighing, he yet again dragged a hand through his hair. His rage had disappeared and been replaced by a sense of purpose. He needed more information. A full and detailed report of how the recruitments took place, how the selections were made, where the recruits went, how they were trained, etc., and he needed it fast.

Opening the door to the hallway, he smirked as the Stormtrooper in attendance jumped and took a cautionary step back.

“Get me the head of intelligence,” Kylo ordered, “and find Phasma.”

The Trooper nodded and hurried off. Kylo watched him go. At least now he understood why Phasma had pointed him in this direction. He wondered if that meant he could trust her.

 


	7. Mini-invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!  
> I’m always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don’t hesitate to let me know!

He woke with a start, instinctively grabbing the hand that was reaching for him and wrenching it away.

“Ow.”

The voice sounded feminine, and very, very familiar. He focused his eyes and stared into the brown, wide-open ones of Rey. Abruptly, he let go of her.

_Wait? He could hurt her?_ “What are you doing here?” he blurted out.

She blushed as she rubbed her wrist.

“Did I hurt you?” he continued, rising from his bed and realising he was wearing only loose trousers when she started blushing even harder.

Her reaction pleased him and he fought hard to hide a smirk when he stepped closer to take hold of her wrist. With his thumbs, he rubbed soothing circles over it.

“I shouldn’t be able to hurt you,” he murmured.

Rey stood stock still. He could feel her heartbeat racing under his hands. Knowing she was so affected by his presence was a heady feeling. His touch moved from her wrist to her hand, spreading her fingers and rubbing lightly over her knuckles.

“Is there a reason you came by?” he asked softly.

She shifted from one foot to the other. Amused and curious, he looked at her. Rey was staring at her feet, obviously embarrassed. Raising one hand, he put his finger under her chin and tilted her head up.

“Well?”

Standing so close to her—being able to touch her and seeing her innocent, blushing face—made his stomach do a somersault. He wanted to wrap her in his arms, pull her as close as possible, kiss her, never let her go. The feelings scared him. Where did they come from? What had she done to make him feel that way?

“I … uhm...” She tried to look away again but he wouldn’t let her. “I didn’t want to be alone anymore,” Rey finally confessed.

This time, he did wrap her in his arms, unable to resist the urge. Rey’s sudden stiffening reminded him he was naked from the waist up—but he didn’t relent. He needed her to know she wasn’t alone, not as long as the bond connected them. Whenever she needed him, he would be there.

Rey finally relaxed in his arms, her hands slowly sliding up his back, causing him to smirk. He decided to greet her without a shirt more often. Wanting to know what she had meant with ‘not wanting to be alone anymore’, he guided her to his bed, sitting down but keeping hold of her hand.

“Tell me what happened.”

“It’s silly,” she avoided, glancing at him but quickly looking away again.

“Tell me,” he insisted.

Rey sighed. “Finn and Rose have been gone for some time. They’re out to save more children; although, we all know it’s an endless and impossible task to save them all. Rose seemed very invested in it, and Finn is willing to follow her just about anywhere. We’re hoping they can also find more Force-sensitive ones.”

At this she did look at him. A mixture of hope and trepidation was plastered on her face. “I still don’t know how to teach them. I’m trying, but…”

She shook her head and stared off in the distance, away from him. He watched her profile and saw the sadness slowly seeping into her features.

“Poe had another argument with Maz. They have them a lot but this time was different. He took off and we haven’t seen or heard from him for some time. We don’t know what he’s up to, or even if he’s okay.”

He resumed rubbing circles over her knuckles, hoping it would comfort her. “Maz? Little, scary Maz Kanata?”

Rey smiled at him. “Yes, you’ve met?”

“Bombarding her castle was a bit of a mistake,” he answered, remembering the scathing hologram that had somehow found its way to him. “She’s scary alright, even though we haven’t met in person.”

“The Supreme Leader, admitting he finds someone scary?” Rey teased him, poking his arm.

He glowered at her, fighting the urge to answer her poking by pinning her down to the bed. “You’ve met her; what do you think? She knows too much, about everything! She has connections everywhere and, as a result, is untouchable.” He deliberated for a moment, before deciding to take a risk. “What’s she doing with your people?”

“My people?” Rey laughed, then sobered. “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she murmured.

“I promise not to tell anybody important,” Kylo tried to joke, hoping to hear her laugh again. He felt accomplished when she did, indeed, laugh.

“You are the important person, you prat!” she hiccuped. “Maz … I think she is the unofficial leader of the Rebellion now, even though she absolutely refuses to acknowledge it. Whenever there is a problem, or a decision needs to be made, we all turn to her.” Rey shrugged. “She always seems to know what to do.”

“Then why do Poe and she fight?”

“Poe has very distinct ideas on how to proceed,” Rey answered with a sigh. “They don’t line up with Maz’s ideas.”

“I’m sure he’s—” A bell rang, notifying him that someone was outside his door.

“Ben?” Rey asked at his sudden silence.

“Someone wants to speak with me,” he answered. “Don’t leave; I’ll send whoever it is away.”

He got up, checked that his saber was within summoning range, and opened the door. There was a snide remark on his lips, but he halted once he saw it was Phasma waiting for him.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, sir,” she said, “but an irregularity has been reported. I thought it wise to consult you.”

“An irregularity?” he asked.

“A single X-wing has appeared, sir, and has started attacking the ship. However, it seems the pilot is holding back. We await your instructions.”

Kylo stepped back. “Come in,” he invited Phasma.

“Sir? Excuse me?”

“Get inside the room and close the door.”

“Ben? What’s going on?”

He glanced to where Rey was still sitting on his bed.

“Oh,” Phasma said.

“Yes, she’s here,” Kylo answered her.

“Ben?” Rey questioned again, a tinge of fear edging her voice. She jumped up, her stance tensing, as if ready for a fight.

“Rey, it’s okay,” he tried to reassure her. “Phasma is in the room with us; she knows we can talk to each other.” He glanced at the imposing woman. “I trust her.”

The baffled look on Rey’s face would have been comical, had the circumstances been different.

“Rey,” he said once more, “it seems we have located your missing friend.”

“What?”

“A single X-wing is attacking us.”

She covered her mouth with both hands. “No! No, he wouldn’t be that foolish! He can’t be! Please, please don’t shoot him down. Ben, I’m be—”

“We won’t,” he quickly said, unhappy to hear her beg for another man’s life. “How did he find us?”

The look she gave him could only be described as the facial manifestation of ‘do you really have to ask?’.

“We’ve known your location for ages,” she answered. “I mean, do you know the size of your own ship? Even in space, it is rather hard to miss.”

He barked a laugh at that, surprising Phasma. “Valid point. Do you have any idea what he wants to achieve with this?”

“No, no, I don’t. I promise I don’t; just, please don’t shoot him.”

Ben nodded and turned to his commander. “Bring him in; escort him to interrogation room 3. Let me know once he’s there.”

“Sir!” Phasma saluted and left.

He watched the door close behind her. “She’s gone,” he commented to Rey.

“How does she know we can communicate? And you trust her? How did that happen?”

Dragging a hand through his hair, he sighed. “She’s the one who pointed me in the direction of the recruitment process,” he said.

“But, how? Why?”

Deciding they had some time before the pilot was captured and brought in, he launched into the story, telling Rey how Phasma had been in the throne room that one day and how her inquiries and resulting behavior had lead him to trust her. He left out the part where Phasma had told him she liked Rey’s effect on him, though. He still didn’t quite know what she had meant by that.

By the end, Rey was smiling brightly at him. “I’m happy you have a friend, Ben,” she said.

“Friend? I’m not sure I can count her as a friend. An ally, yes, but a friend?”

“She’s your friend,” Rey repeated, adamantly.

He wasn’t convinced, but conceded anyway. “If you say so.” A thought popped up. “Let me try to get you to see my surroundings.”

“Uhm, okay,” she answered. “Why?”

“Could come in handy,” he mumbled, focussing. He reached out for their bond, trying to somehow widen it into allowing more information to be transferred. A gasp told him he had succeeded.

“These are your quarters?” Rey asked, curiously looking around.

The realisation hit him the moment she spoke the words. He hardly ever allowed anybody in his quarters, and now he was showing them to _her_. He shook his head and shifted, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“Look, I need to get changed and head for the main bridge.”

His words caused an array of emotions to flit across Rey’s face, only to end in yet another blush. “Oh, uhm, okay, I’ll leave you to it?” she said.

“I’ll reach out when I … visit the pilot. You can watch, now that I can show you my surroundings.”

If she caught his hesitation, she didn’t respond to it. Nodding her assent, she started to fade away. “See you in a bit.”

 


	8. A Foolish Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

After Rey left, he mechanically turned to the freshener. His mind was whirling; how was he going to handle the situation? It was clear Rey cared about the pilot, and he didn’t want to hurt her, but the daft man had attacked the _Supremacy_. He couldn’t act lenient.

A solution had yet to present itself when he arrived at the main bridge in full, black attire. The officers and technicians all straightened their posture at his presence.

“Status?” he asked no-one in particular.

An officer ran up to him and saluted. “Sir! The X-wing was surrounded and forced to the hangar. Commander Phasma has gone down with a selection of Troopers to arrest the pilot.”

“Damage?”

“The _Supremacy_ took some mild damage, sir. Mostly small impact damage to the outer skin. One of the shock canons is dysfunctional. Technicians are already on their way to fully assess the damage, sir.”

“Status of the X-wing?”

“Excuse me, sir?”

Kylo turned his head slightly to look at the man from the corner of his eye. The man gulped.

“I ordered the X-wing not to be shot down. Were my orders followed?”

“Yes, sir!” the officer rushed to reassure him. “Some surface damage due to grazing shots, but the X-wing should still be fully operational.”

He dismissed the officer with a nod and waited for Phasma to find him. When she did, they walked down to the interrogation rooms together.

“What can you tell me?” he asked her, noticing a slight unease in her.

“He put up very little resistance, sir. He was almost eager to be taken into custody. It doesn’t sit right with me.”

Kylo nodded his understanding. They walked in silence.

“I need you to personally guard the door. You know why,” Kylo said upon arrival.

Phasma saluted, “Sir.”

He reached for Rey through the bond. “I’m about to walk into the interrogation room,” he thought to her. “You know I won’t be able to talk to you or acknowledge your presence.”

“I know.”

The words sounded right next to him and he couldn’t help throwing a short glance her way. She was looking him up and down, a frown marring her forehead. When her eyes lingered on his gloves, he realised she was wary of his outfit.

Not knowing how to react to that, he focused on bringing his surroundings into the bond. Rey jumped in surprise.

“So, this is the famous Phasma?” she asked, going to stand right in front of the woman.

Kylo nodded and looked around to ascertain they were alone.

“It seems only fair to inform you, Phasma, that Rey is standing right in front of you,” he said.

The commander twitched slightly. “Miss,” she greeted to thin air.

Rey smiled brilliantly. “Oh, she’s your friend alright,” she said. “Say hello back for me.”

He grumbled. “She says hello too,” he commented to Phasma before turning back to Rey. “I’m not a parrot!”

“What’s a parrot?”

He opened his mouth to respond but eventually decided against it. With a breath, he forced himself back into a serious attitude. “Let’s go meet your pilot.”

She immediately sobered and nodded. Together they walked into the room. It was an interrogation room without the restraining bench, merely containing a table and a couple of chairs.

“So we meet again,” Kylo said upon entry, his tone mocking.

Poe looked up from the chair behind the table. “No restraining chair this time?” he commented. “Afraid I’ll embarrass you again by once more escaping it?”

Kylo ignored the jibe. “What is your purpose here?”

“What? No small talk? No threats? Nothing? Has the great Kylo Ren lost his mojo?”

Narrowing his eyes, Kylo took a menacing step forward. Rey whispered something under her breath, reminding him that she was there. He realised taking her with him was a mistake. He did not want her to see him torture people, let alone one of her friends, but it left him with little options. This man, he knew from experience, was not easily intimidated.

Kylo contemplated his options, which were few. He decided to take a risk.

“Did you really think you could damage us? On your own? Did the losses on Crait addle your brain?”

Next to him, Rey flinched. He hoped she understood why he was saying this, hoped she would not shun him for it.

Poe growled. “They all fought bravely.”

“Yes, well, they all died in vain.”

The pilot shot up out of his seat, toppling the table in the process. Anger was rolling off of him in waves. “They did not!” he shouted. “They died so we are one step closer to stopping the First Order!” He stepped around the table. “So we can kill you!”

Poe charged. With a flick of his wrist something thin and long snapped into his hand. Kylo prepared to block when Rey screamed.

“Poe! No!”

His head snapped towards her as a powerful wave of the Force rushed past him, lifting the pilot up in the air and smashing him into the wall. The bond faltered and Rey’s signature flickered until he lost it.

“Rey!”

Phasma charged into the room, her baton ready for battle. Kylo immediately started barking orders, his mind only half present, the other half desperately searching the galaxy.

“Get some Troopers to clean up this mess and strap him to a chair. Find out what he’s holding, but don’t touch it without protective gloves; it seems to be more dangerous than it appears.”

He started pacing. What had happened? He tried to wrap his head around the fact that Rey had channeled the Force through the bond to push the pilot. She had used the Force to protect _him_ against her friend. He glanced at the needle-like object, wondering what it was that it had caused Rey to turn to such extreme measures.

Once more he reached out, trying to connect to her through the bond. It felt like a severed thread; there was no feedback, nothing, merely a void. He fought back his panic. She was not dead. She could not be dead!

When Phasma returned with the Troopers and a research team, he barked at her to follow. He marched down the hall and around a corner before stopping in front of another, relatively small, interrogation room.

“Guard the door; nobody, absolutely nobody is to come in!”

She saluted. Assured, he entered the room, closing the door behind him. Without preamble, he dropped to the floor in meditation pose. Desperately, he tried to find her, tried to follow that severed thread.

Nothing, still nothing.

He smashed his hand to the floor, trying to fight off the onslaught of emotions coursing through him. He refused to even contemplate the possibility of her death. He wanted to teach her, help her teach the children.

His head shot up. The children! If Snoke managed to reach him, he might be able to reach one of them. Hadn’t Rey given him one of their names? Ti- Trem- Temiri! Yes!

With renewed hope, he started searching. He closed his eyes, clearing his thoughts of everything except his wish, his need to find this boy. Logic dictated that Temiri was not far from Rey, so he tried to use the bond as a guideline. He knew that he could not use it to pinpoint her exact location—he had tried that many times before—but a direction, at the least, should be possible.

Kylo did not know how long he sat there, searching. He touched millions of lights, millions of people, trying to find the one that matched the to him unknown Temiri. It was a fool’s errand, a needle in a haystack.

Just when he was about to give up—weariness breaking his concentration—he found Maz. The woman’s light was as unique as she was. Gathering his remaining strength, he used it as a focal point, expanding around her in circles until he found someone that identified as Temiri.

He touched the boy’s mind. Surprise and weariness were reflected back at him. To Kylo’s surprise, the boy immediately started building a rudimentary shield around his mind.

“Temiri,” Kylo addressed him. The boy paused. “Temiri, find Rey. She’s injured.” The connection faltered slightly; Kylo was vaguely aware of his own laboured breathing. “Help Rey,” he continued when he managed to strengthen the connection again. “Find her. Or Maz.” He could feel the boy’s purpose change. “Help Rey,” Kylo managed one more time before the connection abruptly broke off.

Blinking, he realised he was staring at the ceiling. The harsh lights were hurting his eyes. He only barely managed to push himself up. How long had he been out? He needed to sleep and recover, but he doubted he would make it to his chambers.

Painfully slow, he got up to his feet, using a wall as support. Once he managed to reach the door, he opened it just wide enough that he could see Phasma.

“How long have I been out?” he asked.

Phasma turned and gave a surprised jerk. “Two hours, sir. Are you- Are you alright?”

Kylo grimaced. He must truly look a mess for her to be asking that. “I need to recover. I need you to wake me up in three hours.”

He could sense the woman’s surprise. “Yes, sir! There will be no interruptions.”

Kylo nodded and closed the door. Gliding down the wall, he settled himself in the corner and promptly fell asleep.

He was woken by someone softly shaking his shoulder and repeatedly calling him ‘sir’. On instinct, he lashed out. The person blocked and hastily retreated.

“Apologies, sir, you didn’t respond to my voice alone.”

Slowly, he became aware of his surroundings. He still felt groggy, far from fully rested, but it would have to do. “Phasma. No apologies needed.” Kylo closed his eyes again, trying the bond, trying to find her. Still nothing. Once more, he had to fight his fears.

He pushed himself off the ground. “Status?”

“Three hours have passed, sir. The prisoner has been secured and fully searched. The Troopers who did the initial search of his person will receive punishment for their negligence. Research is being held regarding the object he was holding. Initial findings are that it is part of a plant. They assume it holds poison and are conducting tests.” There was a pause. “Sir, may I be so bold as to ask what happened?”

He gazed at the commander. Rey told him Phasma was his friend, but then again, Rey didn’t know the woman. Still, he had been allowing Phasma to guard his door while he slept and to wake him after. How much could he tell her?

“As you no doubt have deducted already, the pilot tried to attack me.” He paused, then decided to take the risk. “Rey managed to Force-push him away. Our connection faltered. I have been unable to reach her since.”

“How? Is she…?” Phasma stuttered, sounding baffled with a tinge of worry evident in her voice.

He dragged a hand through his hair. “I don’t know.”

She gave a curt nod in response. “What shall we do with the pilot?”

“Strap him to a chair and leave him. No contact, nothing. Let him stew. Has the ship been searched?”

“Upon arrival.”

“Search it again. Have it checked for detonation traps and the like. It’s obvious his initial goal was to infiltrate.”

“Sir.”

“Where are the Troopers who searched the pilot?”

“Level zero, detainment cells.”

Kylo nodded and started to leave. When he reached the door, he hesitated. Would he?

“Sir?”

He looked over his shoulder, not straight at her but a bit to her right, feeling uncomfortable. “Good work, Phasma.” After that, he quickly disappeared, leaving a surprised Phasma in his wake.

Scaring the Troopers helped with his anxiety, but it was far from sufficient to silence the worry in his mind. He went up to the training grounds to try and work it off. It was there, almost five hours after the incident, that he noticed a change. Immediately, he fell into the bond.

“Rey?”

“Ben.”

He thought it sounded tired, drowsy. Relief flooded him and a joy so strong he did not know how to deal with it.

“You were gone,” he said.

“Maz says I burned myself out.” There was a break where he could feel her struggling to maintain their connection. He poured more energy into it, helping her. “You saved me,” she continued.

“No,” Kylo protested. “You saved me.”

Rey chuckled. “I guess we’re even then.”

He disagreed but thought better of telling her that. “You should rest,” he said instead. “Rey, go sleep.”

Her tired smile was felt through the bond. “‘Night, Ben.”

 

 


	9. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

Kylo once more woke with Rey standing next to his bed, watching him. He slowly opened his eyes.

“Do you like watching me sleep?” he murmured.

“You look different when you sleep,” Rey answered. “Much less frightening.”

He growled, realising too late she was teasing him. It didn’t seem to deter her though—a wide grin spreading across her face. He sat up and grinned himself when her eyes temporarily wandered from his face to his chest.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

Her eyes snapped back to his. “Better. Nothing a little sleep couldn’t solve.”

“You were gone.” He didn’t like how pained he sounded, but he couldn’t deny her loss had severely rattled him.

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “How did you do it? How did you manage to channel the Force from such a distance?”

“I don’t know. I just- When I saw what Poe was planning, I- I don’t know. How did _you_ manage to reach Temiri? He was pretty shaken until I could explain to him what happened. He promised not to tell the others; I made sure of that too.”

Kylo felt slightly relieved. It wouldn’t do any good for his reputation if word spread that he reached out through half the galaxy in order to save someone who was supposed to be his enemy.

“I searched,” he answered.

“You can’t have possibly searched the entire galaxy!” Rey answered sceptically.

“I tried to use what was left of our bond as a direction in which to search, and then I did just search. Eventually, I found Maz, then Temiri. You taught the boy how to shield his mind?”

Rey blushed and looked away. “Yes, well, I’ve gotten quite good at that. At least that is something I can teach him. He’s been lifting rocks too.”

Kylo smiled at her, trying hard not to think about the fact that she had gotten so good at shielding because of him.

“You should smile more often.”

It caught him off guard. “I should? It doesn’t really suit the monster persona, now does it?” He silently cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth.

Rey’s face fell. “I should never have said that; I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No.” He got up from the bed and walked over to her, putting a finger under her chin and tilting her head so she would look at him. “No, you were right; you still are. I’m a monster.”

She shook her head, placing a hand on his chest. It tingled and burned at the same time.

“You are not a monster,” Rey said. “I have faith in you.”

He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to feel. He stared into her eyes, wondering if she was sincere, and could find no lie. After all he did—after Crait—how could she not see him as a monster?

“What happened to Poe?” she finally asked, chewing her lip.

“He’s being … detained.”

She looked away from him, nodding. He took hold of her chin again.

“No harm has come to him. Although, he might be a bit hungry.”

Rey snorted. “You’re not feeding him? That’s it?”

“Pretty much, no food, no contact.”

He was surprised when she started laughing. “He must be going crazy by now, wondering what you’re up to!”

“You think that’s funny?” he asked, puzzled. “He’s your friend.”

“The idiot tried to kill you.” Her gaze turned to steel, a fire burning in their depths. Again, he was lost for words. “What will happen to him?”

“I haven’t decided yet. What was he attacking me with?”

“I can’t tell you; it would reveal too much.”

He frowned at her words. The researchers were probably running it through every database they had; they would find out sooner than later. Why didn’t she want to tell him?

“What do you mean?”

“I-” Her face turned troubled. She started fidgeting, looking everywhere but at him. “I’m sorry; I can’t tell you.”

Anger started building in his chest, until realisation hit him. “I promise I won’t come to find you. I won’t send troops to fight either.”

Rey looked up at him, baffled. “How can you promise that? You’re the Supreme Leader of the First Order. We’re the Resistance; we’re your enemy.”

He cupped her cheek. “You are not my enemy.”

They were standing so close together. He could feel the fabric of her shirt brush his chest with every breath she took. They were staring into each other’s eyes, looking for something undefined.

“Promise?” she finally whispered.

“Promise.”

“It’s a stinger of the Vergifianus flower. Its tip is sharp as a needle, the first few centimeters like a razor blade. It’s coated with venom, and if even the tiniest bit gets into your bloodstream, you’re beyond saving. We’ve lost a couple of people to them already. How Poe managed to carry one without getting cut himself is a miracle.”

“He wrapped his lower arms in bandages.”

Rey looked down at her own wrapped arms. “Oh.”

“What do you want me to do with him?”

“What?”

“Tell me what you want me to do with him.”

She blinked. “You- You want me to decide?”

“He is your friend? Isn’t he?” Kylo asked her. He was torn between wanting to turn the man into an example and not wanting to hurt Rey.

“I- Uhm.” Rey hesitated. “What do you normally do?”

He grimaced. “He would be shot in the head and dumped, after we pump him for information. It would be a deliberate show of just how meaningless he is.”

“Oh.” Another hesitation. “I don’t want him to die,” she whispered.

“I know.”

He couldn’t help himself; he reached out to touch her cheek, tucking some stray strands of hair back behind her ear. Glancing up at him, she gave him a small smile, before returning to her brooding.

“Can’t you- uhm,” she finally said, “can’t you send him back?”

Of all the things he had expected, this wasn’t one of them. “What?”

“If it’s about showing how meaningless he is, can’t you just send him back? He tried to assassinate you, but you’re so unimpressed, you’re not even afraid if he would try again?”

“And let him walk free?”

The look in her eyes hardened. “Oh, he won’t walk free,” she said. “I’ll talk to Maz. I guarantee you he’ll not simply walk free.”

He believed her, if only because of the fierceness she was displaying. He loved it when her eyes blazed wild. A small part of him almost pitied the pilot. There was no way he would be able to hold his own against a furious Rey.

“And where would I send him?”

“You’re agreeing?”

The corner of his lips twitched at the dumbfounded look on her face. “If delivered correctly, your suggestion has its merits.”

With a happy squeal, Rey closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. Kylo froze. He still wasn’t used to the idea of being hugged, even though he had been the one to initiate last time.

“Thank you, Ben!”

Finally relaxing, he carefully wrapped his arms around her slim form. “His X-wing is still intact; the droid is secured as well. I’ll order to put it on autopilot and have it transport him somewhere on the outer rim. I’ll give you the coordinates so you can pick him up.”

She bounced out of his embrace, a wide grin on her face. “Yes! That should work! I need to talk to Maz.”

“And I have orders to give.”

Her hand reached out to lightly touch his chest, a wide smile still around her lips and sparkling in her eyes. “Bye, Ben.”

As she disappeared from view, Kylo let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. After quickly getting dressed, he opened the door to his quarters, finding Phasma once more standing outside.

He blinked. “Don’t you ever sleep?” he blurted.

Phasma seemed surprised. “Your safety is paramount, sir.”

The comment took him by surprise. He also realised the answer meant that she probably wasn’t getting much sleep at all.

“Do you have any Troopers you truly trust?”

“A few, sir.”

“You are free to put together a squad as you see fit.” He didn’t feel like he needed the extra protection, but it wouldn’t do to have Phasma exhaust herself.

“Sir!”

Kylo shrugged and started walking down the hall. There were meetings to attend, reports to read, and decisions to be made. He wasn’t looking forward to the inane chatter of his officers.

“Have the investigation team halt their research. Confiscate and destroy all their findings. The pilot will be put back into his X-wing and sent to a random destination on the outer rim. Make sure everybody understands that he wasn’t even worth killing. Let him fly back to the Resistance and try again; we do not fear them in any way.”

Phasma stayed silent for a while.

“You already know what he attacked you with? Sir?”

“Yes.”

“And we are not to know what it is, or where it came from?”

Kylo looked at her, impressed but also wary at her quick thinking. “Indeed,” he answered.

“If I may be so bold, sir, I would suggest planting a tracker in the X-wing.”

“That is not acceptable.”

“It would malfunction, of course.”

Once more, Kylo looked at her, surprised this time. “Make sure that it does,” he answered, a hint of a threat in his voice.

“Sir.” Phasma saluted and veered off to execute his orders.

  
  
  



	10. Base One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s! 
> 
> Trigger warning for physical and psychological abuse

Kylo purposefully strode towards the immense, stone building. Phasma was following him—one step behind him and to his left. He could hear the clanging of armour as a couple of Phasma’s trusted Troopers stationed themselves around their ship.

“Base one is the largest of them?” Kylo asked Phasma.

“Yes, sir.”

He nodded, thoughtfully gazing at the stone wall that surrounded buildings of the same material; its dreary façade was only sparsely interrupted by windows. Despite the green surroundings, the institution seemed a bleak place.

After the mess with the Resistance pilot was sorted—having him sent up into space with random coordinates and having Rey’s assurance that Maz had demoted him, denying him all access to the hanger and spaceships—Kylo had turned his attention to the recruitment process.

He had asked Phasma to glean what she could from the Troopers who were recruited as children. She came back with meager results—not for a lack of trying, but those Troopers were often the ones most ingrained with protocol. They simply did not talk much, and if they did, it was with reverence to the First Order.

The only useful thing that did come from Phasma’s inquiries was a list of facilities and estimated number of children for each; a list she managed to officially confirm a few days later. Kylo had immediately decided upon a visit to Base one at the planet Zarnok—a small, green planet with predominantly small and harmless wildlife.

Three men and two women awaited Kylo and Phasma at the main entrance. As they reached the odd group, one of the men—bald and looking like he had once possessed impressive posture but had neglected himself in the last decade—immediately introduced himself.

“Supreme Leader.” He gave a slight bow. His example was quickly followed by the four others. “My name is Barend Stelva, as you must well know. I am the director of this facility and it is my pleasure to welcome you here.”

Kylo decided he didn’t like the man. Not answering his welcome, he gazed at the others present.

“Ah, uhm, yes.” The director stumbled over his words. “May I present to you my assistant director, the head of Combat training, the head of Discipline, and the head of the teachers staff?” He pointed at the two men and two women consecutively.

With a neutral face, Kylo looked them over. The assistant director was rather young with short black hair and a nervous demeanor. The head of the Combat training was a burly man with hard eyes and a cruel mouth. He seemed to be measuring Kylo up, as if he would start a fight with him in the near future.

Turning towards the women, he saw the head teacher staring into nothing with glazed-over eyes, all the while muttering something under her breath. The head of Discipline harshly snapped at the woman—who was apparently called ‘Mira’—before resuming her rigid posture, like a soldier about to be inspected. There was something cold about the woman. A stark contrast to the now blushing Mira standing beside her.

Kylo returned his attention to the director. “I would like to see your facility. Now.”

“Of course, of course!” The man rushed to open the iron-barred gates. “We have assembled the children in the main training hall.”

The complex looked as dreary on the inside as it had on the outside. A plane of concrete stretched between the different buildings, forming a large square. One lonesome tree stood in the middle, but seemed to have lost all will to live. Its gnarly branches only accentuated the contrast between the lush green environment and the desolate feeling of the compound.

The director slowed his pace to fall into step at Kylo’s right-hand side. “So, have you come to recruit for your special forces?” he whispered conspiratorially.

Kylo only barely managed to hide his surprise. “I do not believe that is any of your business, director,” he answered.

Barend paled slightly and inclined his head. “Of course not, my apologies, Supreme Leader. I let my misplaced curiosity get the better of me.” He sped up again, distancing himself as they walked between two identical buildings and towards what seemed to be a large hangar. “We are almost there.”

Recruitment for special forces? Kylo thought to himself. He was unaware of ongoing recruitments or any special forces being assembled. A quick glance towards Phasma provided him with an almost imperceptible shrug, implying she didn’t know either.

He stored the information for later as they reached the hangar-like building. Similar to the other buildings, it had a large letter and number combination painted on the wall, here ‘P1’. The doors were open, the interior only separated from them by a thick curtain. It was eerily quiet inside.

As Kylo followed the director through the curtains, he saw rows upon rows of children between five and twelve, standing with perfect pose and in perfect formation. The younger children were mixed with the older ones, and there was only movement when an older child corrected a younger child next to them.

Kylo did a quick count: ten children per row, twelve rows in depth, four formations—480 children. A couple of adults wandered around them, some taking notes on a clipboard. The director next to him started prattling about the children and their achievements, but Kylo ignored him. The sight before him chilled him to the bone.

“Everybody out,” he commanded, “and close the door.”

Barend seemed almost eager at the command. “Of course, of course. Come on everybody; let us leave the Supreme Leader alone with the children. Come on.”

At his words, the adults started filing out, except one. Kylo turned to glare at the woman. He guessed her to be in her mid forties.

“S- S- Supreme Leader.” The woman was visibly shaking under his stare but still did not budge. “I’m the children’s prime caretaker and, therefore, responsible for their safety. I- I must bid you to let me stay.” She gave him a curt bow.

“Get. Out.”

The woman jumped in fright at his frigid tone. She glanced at the children and Kylo could see the fear and heartbreak in her face as she turned to the door and hurried away.

“The woman is devoted, sir,” Phasma remarked after having checked that the doors were indeed closed.

“She is,” Kylo answered. “Do you think you can find a covert way to reward her?”

“I’ll see what I can do, sir.”

Kylo nodded and turned back to the children. “Did you know about _this_?” he asked with a wave of his hand.

“No, sir.”

He sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. All this time, not a sound came from the children. None were shuffling their feet or stretching out a cramp from standing so long. There wasn’t so much as a cough. They merely stood there, like silent little droids. It was exactly that comparison, Kylo realised, that gave him such an uneasy feeling.

He did not know a thing about children, but he knew that this was not normal. Studying the faces in the front rows, he saw the fear in their eyes; yet they stayed rooted to the spot. He sighed again. The least he could do was try to look less intimidating.

“Let’s sit,” he said.

As one, the children sank down to sit cross-legged on the floor, their backs still painfully straight. A couple of confused 5-year olds were quickly dragged down by their neighbours. Shocked, Kylo flinched at the synchronised movement. He glanced at Phasma, but her armour prevented him from reading her body language.

However, she seemed to have understood his intent. “Soldiers, at ease!”

A surprised ripple washed through the gathered children before, one by one, their postures slumped and they started to marginally relax.

Kylo sank down to the ground as well and signalled Phasma to do the same, only to see her kneel instead. He raised an eyebrow at her.

“The armour does not allow for lounging, sir.”

He stared at her. “You can’t sit on the floor because of the armour?” he repeated.

“No, sir.”

“And your armour is constructed the same as the standard-issue Trooper armour?”

“Yes, sir.”

Kylo blinked at the realisation that none of his Troopers could ever sit on the ground. “Can you at least sit on a chair?”

“Yes, sir.”

Well, that was something, he guessed. “Do you have any solutions for how to fix that issue without compromising the protection of the armour?”

Phasma hesitated for a moment. “I have some ideas, sir.”

“Feel free to discuss them with the armour department under my name. In the meantime, if you prefer to stand, stand, but please take off your helmet.”

“Yes, sir.”

She stood and took a few steps back, before taking off her helmet. A few of the children gasped. Kylo’s mouth twitched.

“Yes, she’s a woman,” he said.

Behind him, Phasma huffed. Kylo hesitated. He did not know how to deal with children; yet, there were things he needed to know. He wondered how Rey would handle a situation like this. How would she address the children? He took a deep breath and looked up.

“You probably already know who I am. I am Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order. She,” he pointed to Phasma with his thumb, “is Commander Phasma, my ally and bodyguard of sorts.”

The children were nodding at him, some with wide-open eyes.

“I came here to inspect the facility, but also to ask you all a question.” A murmur rose from the group in front of him. “You will all answer truthfully,” Kylo continued. “There is no right or wrong answer; there will be no repercussions. Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir!” they all answered as one.

“Well then,” he said. “I want to know if some of you seem to have an extraordinary amount of luck? Do some of you seem to feel an object flying towards you other than seeing it? Have some of you ordered someone else to do something, only to have them repeat your words and do exactly as they have been told? Have some of you made things move or even fly on their own accord, something that was just out of reach that simply came to your hand? Have some of you had other weird experiences like this? If so, raise your hand.”

The children started muttering amongst themselves. Kylo could see a lot of the younger ones asking the older children questions. He could almost feel the consternation at his question. It wasn’t like he expected any result, but he’d decided to try nonetheless. If there had been a Force-sensitive child in the training stables at Canto Bight, there might as well be one here in the facility.

His head shot up as a hesitant hand rose in the air, slowly followed by two more.


	11. Force Sensitive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

For a moment, Kylo merely blinked at the three raised hands, uncomprehending. Three? There were three of them? Finally, he managed to pull himself together. He still had to check the veracity of their answer. They were children; they might have been imagining things.

“You three,” he said. “Come forward.”

The three children stood up and gingerly made their way towards him. They were dressed in a sleeveless shirt and loose-fitting pants. Their hair was trimmed short and all three of them had bruises on their arms. Kylo suddenly realised he could not make out whether they were boys or girls.

They lined up in front of him and he deliberately stayed seated as to not loom over them. However, even though they were children,  it made him uncomfortable. He quickly gestured them to sit down.

“What are your names and ages?”

“LT6799, sir, age 12.”

“LT6808, sir, age 11.”

“LT6834, sir, age 8.”

Kylo’s world once more tilted on its axis. He had never questioned the coded names of his Troopers, merely accepting it as part of the system. Seeing the children, however, with only a code as a name, felt immensely wrong.

He clenched his jaw, his neck and shoulders tensing at the rush of unwanted emotions. He was the Supreme Leader of the First Order. The Order worked because of its system. He should not be questioning the system; he should be enforcing it. He was strong! There should be no conflict in his heart!

“Sir?” Phasma prompted.

It served to bring him back into focus. With a wave of his hand, he acknowledged her words. Looking up, he saw the three kids in front of him looking absolutely terrified and shame caused him to sigh.

“My apologies; I did not wish to scare you.” He could actually hear Phasma’s armour clang as she shifted in surprise at his words. “I will need to test all three of you separately to know if you have that which I’m looking for.”

The children shifted nervously but nodded. “I will go first,” the eldest spoke up. “With your permission, of course, sir.”

Kylo nodded. “Come sit in front of me.” Once LT6799 was seated, Kylo tried to explain what he was about to do. “I will have to enter your mind by the Force. Do not fight me. It will be uncomfortable, but I will try my best not to make it hurt.”

“I am accustomed to pain, sir.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am accustomed to pain, sir. Pain is relative.”

The other children sat up straighter and as one they spoke. “Pain is but a figment of the mind. Pain is for the weak. We are strong; therefore, we will overcome it. We feel no pain.”

Kylo could hear Phasma’s sharp intake of breath and could only agree with her sentiment. “Where does this come from?” he asked.

“It is our mantra, sir,” the eldest child answered. Kylo guessed it was a boy, but still he was unsure.

“Your mantra?” he repeated.

“Yes, sir. We are taught how to deal with pain and this is our mantra.”

“And how do they teach you that?”

“They beat us, sir.”

Kylo found himself once more clenching his jaw. What he heard and saw before him reminded him of his own training under Snoke, and it saddened him. Rey had shown him there was another way. The thought of Rey’s reaction if she were ever to see this facility pained him. He vaguely hoped this was the only facility with these sets of rules, but he already knew his hope was in vain.

“Right,” he finally muttered. “Still, I will try not to make this hurt. There is no need.”

Reaching out, Kylo placed his fingertips against the kid’s temples. “Do not fight me,” he said again before submerging himself into the child’s mind. It didn’t take him long to find what he was looking for. The boy was indeed Force-sensitive.

When he pulled back, he had to fight hard to not show his joy and wonder. Force-sensitive children! They were right underneath their noses, and they hadn’t known! A thought struck him: perhaps Snoke _had_ known? It would explain the director’s earlier request.

He pushed away the thought in order to test the other two. Both had varying degrees of Force-sensitivity. It astounded him immensely. After pulling out of the mind of the youngest of the three, he nodded and stood. All the children in the room quickly followed his example, relinquishing their relaxed position and once more forming four perfect formations.

“You three can expect a summons in the future,” he said.

“Sir!” they answered in unison.

He sighed. “Return to your post.”

As the three scurried to take their respective places, Kylo turned and walked towards the doors. Phasma put her helmet back on and followed. When they emerged, only the director and his assistant were waiting for them.

“I hope you found the recruits satisfactory?” the director immediately asked. “I hope you don’t mind it’s just us two for the remaining tour of the facility? The others have their jobs to do.”

Kylo stared until the repulsive man started fidgeting. “Expect a summons for three of the children,” he finally said. “Make the rest of the tour quick; don’t waste my time.”

At the sound of barked orders and perfectly matched footsteps, Kylo turned to watch the children march off in smaller groups and into different directions.

“Ah, yes, they are well trained,” the director immediately supplied. “We make sure they know their formations and are perfectly able to march them within the first month of their training.” He stretched out an arm towards one of the buildings—no doubt it was supposed to be an inviting gesture. “Let us first start with the dormitories.”

The man prattled on and on while he led them through the compound. The dormitories were sparsely furnished, all practicality and no warmth. They were large rooms that housed 15 to 20 children and consisted of beds and small chests to hold their clothes. Barend seemed pleased to tell them they kept the water of the showers cold as to harden the children.

The classrooms were equally spartan in their decoration; only the gyms were better equipped. The contrast with the staff-housing, on the other hand, was gargantuan. Although the building looked exactly the same on the outside, the apartments and common areas were luxuriously decorated.

“As you can see, we provide well for our staff. They have a big responsibility, of course, and we like to reward them for their hard work,” the director proudly said.

Kylo had to fight the urge to kill the man. “I have seen enough,” he said instead, turning on his heel and walking away.

The director scrambled to follow. “I hope everything was satisfactory?”

Kylo twitched at the obnoxious man and Phasma inserted herself between them. “The quickest way to the gates?” she half asked, half commanded.

Barend jumped in surprise—Phasma hadn’t spoken in his presence up until then—and moved to lead the way. Kylo wasted no more time on the man, immediately heading towards his shuttle.

His emotions were all over the place and he was working hard to keep his face neutral. He barely heard the shouted orders to get the shuttle ready for departure. As the Troopers moved about in a well-organised way, he couldn’t help but wonder if one of them had grown up in a facility such as the one he had just visited. Moving his mouth in an agitated way—a nervous tic he never seemed to be able to fully control—he ignored the commotion and went straight for his private quarter.

The ship jolted as it broke through the planet’s atmosphere and into space. Only after a second jolt informed them they had jumped into lightspeed did he allow himself to start pacing. His emotions were quickly mounting towards rage and his hand twitched to grab his saber. A growl escaped him as he tried to control his urge to destroy.

“You really should do something about your anger management, Ben.”

He swirled around to face the source of the teasing words.

“Rey!”

Her presence immediately made him feel calmer, more composed. If only he could have her around all the time, he would love that. She always knew how to cheer him up, or how to solve a problem. He blinked at the idea as she walked over to him and put a hand on his chest.

“What’s gotten you so upset?”

“I-” he didn’t know what to tell her. The situation the children lived in had him horrified. It pained him to admit this newest failure to her.

“Ben?”

He hung his head and put his own hand over hers, pressing it closer to his chest and hoping it would prevent her from disappearing when he told her.

“I went to visit one of the institutions where the children are taken,” he admitted. “It’s … not good.”

“It must have been really bad to upset you like this. Tell me.”

“It was- They-” He sighed and deliberated. Did he trust her? Could he truly trust her? “Why don’t you come into my mind and I’ll show you?”

“What?!”

His lips twitched at her astounded exclamation. “It’s easier to show you, and since it’s my memory, you’ll have to use the Force to look into my mind.”

Kylo frowned as Rey fidgeted and looked away. “I don’t know how,” she stated, barely above a whisper.

“You’ve done it before,” he stated in confusion. He didn’t want to remind her of the days he had kept her prisoner, but she had managed it then; why would she not be able to do it now?

“That was an accident…”

“An _accident_?” he repeated.

“I’ve tried doing it again. Poe and Finn volunteered to allow me to practice on them, but I haven’t been able to repeat what happened.”

“Oh.” Realisation dawned. Kylo cupped her chin so she would look at him. He gave her a tentative smile. “Would you allow me to teach you?”

“You would do that?”

“The offer still stands, Rey.”

She bit her lip in contemplation and he couldn’t help but stare at it. After a while, he succumbed to temptation and with his thumb, he pulled her lower lip away from her teeth. Rey’s breath hitched as the finger slid over the soft skin.

Their moment was broken by a knock and the hissing sound of the door sliding open. Kylo widened the bond to show Rey his surroundings when he noticed it was Phasma who had interrupted them.

“Oh,” Phasma said, taking in the situation.

Kylo realised it must look odd to her, not being able to see Rey. The latter was blushing furiously, looking utterly adorable.

“Apologies, sir, miss,” Phasma continued. Kylo thought she sounded amused, not apologetic at all. “We are approaching base 4.” He nodded and she left.

“Base 4?” Rey asked.

He turned to her, belatedly realising he was still holding her chin and quickly letting go. “Another institution,” he answered, gnashing his teeth. “I’m planning on visiting them all.”

“Oh.” She gave him a small smile. “I hope they don’t upset you as much as this one did.”

“I have little hope,” he answered. “I must go. Do you- do you want me to teach you later tonight?”

“I would like that,” Rey answered him with a tiny nod.

Kylo couldn’t help the broad smile that stretched his lips. She smiled in return.

“Bye, Ben; see you tonight.”

“Bye, Rey.”


	12. A Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

As he feared, Base Four wasn’t any better than Base One; although, there was less contrast between the buildings and its surroundings, as it was located on a moon consisting purely of rock.

The director had insisted on Kylo watching the children march into the training hall and take formation. The eerie quiet and near perfection with which the children marched made Kylo just as uncomfortable as before.

The children’s sleeping arrangements were practically bare, whereas the staff rooms were fit to home nobility. Since it was dinner time when the facility tour finished, Kylo strode into the dining hall—causing all the kids to promptly stop eating and stand. He looked at the porridge with disdain, but ordered himself a bowl to see what they were feeding the children. The director was quick to correct him and lead him to a smaller dining area next door, where fowl, vegetables, and bread were spread out as a buffet. Kylo decided to leave immediately.

As he returned to his ship and they had their own meal of rations, he remembered the last words the director had spoken. ‘Any children that you’ll be summoning?’

Kylo turned towards Phasma. “We need to figure out what both directors were referring to.” He knew he didn’t need to elaborate. The woman always seemed to be in tune with him.

“Yes, sir.”

“Any ideas?”

“No, sir.”

Kylo shrugged and left for his quarters. After deliberately calming himself down, he contacted Rey.

“I can still sense your anger, you know,” she said as she appeared in front of him. He huffed in annoyance. “I can also feel you’re trying to control it,” she continued. “I’m proud of you, Ben.”

Part of him was thrilled at her words, part of him annoyed. He felt like she was petting him on the head like you would do to an obedient dog. It must have shown on his face, if Rey’s sudden burst of laughter was any indication. He huffed again and removed the outer layers of his clothes, leaving him only in pants and shirt. When he caught Rey staring, he smirked. The smirk grew when she quickly looked away and blushed.

“Are you sure you want me to teach you?” he asked, unable to keep the doubt from his voice. It seemed so strange to have her accept his teachings after having denied them for so long.

Rey shrugged. “Yes, Ben, who else is going to teach me?”

His breath hitched at her words. He quickly recovered and sat down, urging her to do the same with a wave of his hand. Just as when he’d given her the information needed to build a saber, they sat cross-legged, knees touching.

“Can you remember anything you did when you first invaded my mind?” he asked.

“Not really,” she answered. “I just remember trying to fight you off with everything I had. At one point I wondered how you would feel if somebody did that to you, and before I knew it, I was in your head. Once there I- I don’t know. It felt almost easy?”

He grimaced at the memory. “I wasn’t prepared so I didn’t put up a fight. That’s why it felt easy, like swimming in a lake. If I were to try and keep you out, it would resemble swimming in mud.”

“Swimming isn’t easy!” Rey protested. “It’s hard; I keep sinking!”

After a moment of surprise, Kylo burst out laughing. “It takes some practice, yes. You never learned how to swim?”

“Bit difficult on a desert planet, don’t you think?”

“Yes, true.”

Another snort escaped him at the image of Rey sinking as she tried to swim. Then he realised she would be wearing a swimsuit while trying and ideas of a totally different nature swarmed his head. He quickly schooled his features and pushed away those thoughts.

“Well,” he finally said, “I think you will be fine as soon as you manage to create the connection. That’s the hardest part.”

“A connection?” Rey questioned.

“Yes. Before you can explore someone else’s mind, you need to link your mind with theirs. In our case, the link was already there since I was trying to probe yours. When you thought of invading mine, the Force latched on to that and reversed the connection.”

“It’s like a stream?”

“I think you could say that. Either you are in another person’s mind, or they are in yours. You can’t be in both at the same time.”

“And how do I make this connection?”

“You, uhm…” Kylo realised he hadn’t thought this through. The way Snoke had taught him was not how he wanted to teach Rey, not anywhere close. “It helps if you visualise,” he finally said. “Imagine the Force creating a string between your minds, or a bridge of sorts.”

She was looking at him uncomprehending and he bit his lip in worry. Was he not explaining it well? Perhaps he should have proposed trying to teach her in a day or two, so he would have had the time to figure out what to say?

“Like an energy arc?” Rey eventually said, tilting her head.

Kylo sighed in relief. “Yes, like that.”

“Oh. I think- I think I can do that.”

“You want to try?”

“You would let me?”

“Well, it’s my memories I wanted you to see.”

“Yes, but- I’ll be in your mind! And I wouldn’t know what I was doing.”

He reached out and touched her cheek. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you make the connection, and as long as you don’t go on a rampage in my brain, I can keep you from seeing more than I want to.”

“You will? You can? Can you teach me that too?”

He laughed at how eager she was. “Yes, but first this, alright?” She nodded and smiled. “Right, now, focus and try to make that bridge.”

Kylo felt a touch of tenderness as she closed her eyes and scrunched up her nose in concentration. With the Force, he created a thin, barely there pathway between his mind and hers. He wasn’t trying to truly connect, just providing something for Rey to latch onto and use to her advantage.

When she finally did connect, she smashed into his brain with enough strength to make him grunt. Immediately, she lost concentration.

“Ben! I’m sorry; did I hurt you?” She was reaching out for him, her fingers hovering over his face.

He shook his head. “It’s okay. You lost concentration.”

“Sorry…”

“No, that’s not- It’s okay. Try again.”

“Are you sure?”

Nodding, he again created the tiny connection and fortified himself for her arrival. It seemed she was a quick learner, for her entry in his mind was already more controlled. He projected an image of the _Supremacy’s_ bridge.

“Can you see that?” he asked.

“Yes! Yes, I can!”

Her elation broke her concentration. Kylo had to tamper down his smile as he watched her pout.

“Try again,” he merely said.

He did not know how long he trained her, but by the end, she was able to make the connection on her own and wasn’t losing concentration as soon as something distracted her. He could feel how happy she was and he himself felt proud of her.

“You’re doing great,” he finally said.

She beamed at him and squeezed his hands. He hadn’t noticed they were holding onto each other and he suddenly felt self-conscious.

“It uhm-” he stuttered. “You might want to try on other volunteers as practice. Our bond might be simplifying things.”

Rey nodded and bit her lip. “Can I see now?” she asked. “Can I see what upset you so earlier?”

Kylo grimaced. “Are you sure?” Again, Rey nodded. He sighed in response. “Okay…”

It took them awhile to sort through the memories of both visits, even though he selected only the most important parts. When Rey returned to herself, there were tears in her eyes. She reached out and cupped his cheek.

“Oh, Ben…”

“I will do something about it,” he stated firmly while leaning into her touch. “I promise.”

“I know you will,” she agreed. “Some of the kids are Force-sensitive?”

“Yes, three in Base One, one in Base Four. And it is as if the directors expected us to come inspect the children, as if that was something Snoke did regularly. I just don’t understand why.”

“Can’t you look into it?”

Kylo nodded. “I’ve already set Phasma on it, but I doubt she will be successful. If Snoke wanted it hidden, there is no way he left a trail.” To his surprise, Rey gave him a broad smile. “What are you smiling about?” he asked, bewildered.

“I’m just happy Phasma is your friend, that you are not alone.”

He made to roll his eyes at her but stopped as an idea struck him. “Those Force-sensitive children,” he said. “I can’t leave them there.” Rey shook her head in agreement. “But I have nowhere else to take them either,” he continued, watching Rey’s face scrunch up at his words. He took a breath and a leap of faith. “Could you take them?”

It took a couple of seconds before Rey caught on. “What?!”

“There’s nothing I could do for them within the First Order, not right now. If I put them on a ship, would you take them in? Of course, first I need to check the other facilities as well. There might be more of them.”

“You want to send them to the Resistance?”

Kylo grinned at the dumbfounded look on her face; he wanted to kiss her, make her see how very precious a person she was, but settled on chuckling instead.

“Yes and no,” he answered. “I want to send them to you.” His grin grew wider as she started blushing.

“Oh! I, uhm- I think I can arrange something with Maz,” she answered, looking at their still linked hands.

“Great,” he answered. A jostle told him they jumped out of lightspeed. It caused him to sigh with regret. “My ship is nearing the _Supremacy_ ; I have to go.”

Kylo was surprised to see Rey’s face sadden. Did she enjoy spending time with him as much as he enjoyed being with her? That seemed so … unlikely.

“Okay, Ben,” she said as they both stood. “Let me know about the children, okay? And I know you will find a way to help all of them; I believe in you.”

He couldn’t help himself, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around her. “I will try; at the least, I will try,” he murmured. “No child should live like that.”

There was a knock on the door and Phasma’s muffled voice calling out for him.

“I really have to go,” Kylo said.

Rey nodded. “Bye, Ben; talk to you soon.”

For a moment, he could only stare at the empty space in his arms where Rey had stood a second ago, wishing he could keep her forever.

 


	13. Base Z

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s! 
> 
> Trigger warning for physical and psychological abuse.

Kylo spent the next month visiting the multitude of institutions across the galaxy. Each and every one of them was as bad as the first. There were some who seemed to take better care of their children—giving them better food or better sleeping arrangements—but they all looked like forced labour/imprisonment camps, rather than places to raise children.

Rey came to console him whenever she could, repeatedly telling him he would find a way to fix things. Still, even with her reassurances, he felt stuck. He had all the power he ever wanted, reached the position he had craved so badly, but now he found he could do little with it. This wasn’t a problem he could fix by killing someone—which he realised was all he was ever taught.

The good news was that he did find multiple Force-sensitive children among the trainees. There weren’t many—he found a grand total of 12—but it was a vast improvement on thinking Rey and he were the last ones out there. It almost felt euphoric; if only they could figure out how to properly get them to safety without raising suspicion.

Strangely enough, almost every director hinted at his visit being ‘long awaited’ and that he was expected to ‘select a few chosen children’. Phasma had been unsuccessful in finding a reason behind these inquiries. When she checked up on previous visits of Snoke to the institutions, she was informed that no-one but his praetorian guard was ever allowed to accompany him. Since they were all dead, there was no other lead left to follow.

Their answer came when they visited the last institution on the list, one that was called ‘Base Z’ instead of having a number. Kylo looked at the planet from the cockpit of his ship.

“They built it on an ice planet?” he murmured in surprise. Even though some of the planets housing a base were barren and rocky, none of them had extreme conditions. This one, however, was bound to turn you into an icicle as soon as you stepped out without proper gear.

“I find it strange as well, sir,” Phasma commented from her position next to him.

“Did we bring gear?”

“The base is supposed to be mainly underground, sir; no gear will be needed.”

Kylo nodded at her words and listened as the pilot signaled the base for their arrival. Not long after, they entered the planet’s meager atmosphere. When they approached a single tower, a massive airlock opened to an underground hangar. Steam rose from it as warmth mingled with the frozen, outside air.

As soon as their ship touched ground, the airlock closed and strong heaters started warming the empty hangar. Red, flashing lights turned to orange and then green as the temperatures rose above freezing point.

A door opened and a delegation walked in to greet their Supreme Leader. Kylo only barely suppressed a sigh at the thought of having to deal with yet another self-important director. Phasma gave him a pat on the back. It was something she had first done after their fifth base and had surprised him to no end. If he could believe Rey, it was a sign of friendship. Kylo was still a bit sceptical about that; although, it didn’t seem as unlikely to him now as it had before. Donning a neutral face, Kylo nodded to a Trooper to open the ramp.

“Supreme Leader! How good of you to honour us with a visit!” the man in front said with a bow.

Kylo walked towards them, vaguely noticing the Troopers fanning out behind him to secure the ship. “Director,” he greeted the man, letting the word hang.

“Woodstock, sir. Apologies; my name is Zanzar Woodstock.” The director looked past Kylo to the ship. “You brought no children, sir?”

Kylo froze, fighting to not show his surprise at the question. He met the man’s eyes with a level stare. “I don’t believe that’s any of your concern.”

“No, no, of course not! I apologise for my curiosity; I merely assumed you would bring them with you for the inspection. You know, two flies in one stroke. Again, I apologise; you will obviously bring them when you see fit. Now, shall we get on with our tour? Or first, let me introduce you to some of our staff members.”

While Woodstock started rattling off the names and titles of the people he brought with him, Kylo shared a look with Phasma. This was not what they had expected, but it did give them an extra piece of the puzzle. When they finally set off to tour the facility, Kylo decided to take a risk.

“Walk me through the training the children go through.” The director threw him a surprised look. “Snoke had his ideas; I have mine,” Kylo elaborated.

“Of course, of course,” the director supplied. Even though he seemed just as eager to lick butt as his colleagues, his tone was a bit more superior, his act towards Kylo a bit more certain of himself. They turned a corner into a hallway filled with doors.

When one was opened, Kylo could see it lead to tiny rooms—if they could even be called that. They were no bigger than two by two meters, with a raised platform as a bed in the back and a hole that could only serve as a toilet. The walls and floor were padded with a soft yet sturdy material. The door had a hatch through which food could be delivered and a tiny window to observe whoever was in the room.

Kylo feared the worst, looking at what could only be a tiny prison cell. His fears were confirmed when the director started explaining.

“As soon as the children arrive, they are stripped from their clothes and placed separately in one of these cells. We leave them for a week at minimum, in the dark and with only the barest amount of food and water needed for survival. We wait until they break, until they start begging or despairing. Naturally, we lose some in the process. There are always those that break beyond repair. They never start begging or despairing but immediately go into a catatonic state.”

Clenching his fist, Kylo started feeling worse by the minute. He knew what it felt like—to be left alone with nothing and nobody, to start begging for something without even knowing what. It was the same thing Snoke had done to him. Suspicions started forming in his mind, but he dared not contemplate them. Still, some pieces of the puzzle were missing.

Oblivious to the silently fuming Supreme Leader, director Woodstock continued his explanation while walking through the underground complex. “Once they reach the desired mental breakdown, we introduce them to the group’s caretaker. We encourage them to cling to this person as much as possible. The caretaker will provide clothes, food, and shelter. They will show the children kindness. To achieve this bond, the children are still kept separate so they won’t bond with each other.”

They went down a flight of stairs and through another hallway with doors. There was more space between them, hinting at bigger rooms. When the director opened one of the doors, Kylo had to close his eyes against the rage that started engulfing him. Although more comfortable, the room was still small and rather barren. It all seemed so familiar, so very, very familiar.

“This is where they stay next. We start giving them simple tasks to do, praising them when they get it right, punishing them with loneliness and cold shoulders when they do it wrong. As you know, it makes the attachment to the caretaker absolute. They will do whatever is asked of them in no-time. When their attachment is secured, we reintroduce them to their peers. Let’s go to the communal spaces next.”

There were a couple of older children sitting in various places in the communal spaces. They weren’t talking or interacting with each other. The silence was deafening and most unsettling.

“We discourage the children from becoming friends,” the director stated. “They see each other as companions, at most, so they can train together but do not become interdependent. We need them to keep relying on their caretaker as much as possible. They start taking their meals here and as soon as their behaviour is as wanted, we start their training schedules.”

He started walking again and they all followed. Phasma walked up to Kylo.

“A moment, if you would, sir?”

He nodded his head and threw a glance at the flock of people following them. Why they were still there, he did not know. They did, however, get the message and quickly fell behind.

“Phasma?” Kylo acknowledged her, allowing her to speak.

“Everything okay, sir?”

His head snapped her way in consternation. “What are you implying?”

“May I speak freely, sir?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve come to know you quite well, if I may say so myself,” Phasma stated immediately. “I have learned your mannerisms and intonations as my own. You seem upset now, really upset, but holding back. I don’t think the others see it, but I do. I merely wished to know if there is something I could do?”

Kylo stared at her for a minute before grunting. Even though he didn’t feel comfortable with it, he decided to tell her the truth—or part of it, anyway.

“This … indoctrination … is familiar to me. I have a hunch where this is leading up to and I don’t like it.”

“What hunch?”

“If I’m right, you’ll probably see soon enough.”

Recognising it as the dismissal it was, Phasma nodded and resumed her place a step behind him. The director stopped next to a set of double doors and continued his explanation.

“This is one of the training grounds. They train in levels. The children are kept on their toes at all times; they are made aware that they can always do better.”

He opened the door and allowed them to walk in. The floor was covered with tatamis; low-level training droids were stationed on one side, various weapons on the other. Weights and other training equipment were grouped in stations at the back.

In the middle of the room, two boys and a girl were sitting down while a third boy was training with a master. It was obvious to Kylo that the child was being pushed beyond his skills and levels. The master wasn’t holding back, delivering painful blows and smacking the fighting stick out of the student’s hands. The man came baring down on the child, pinning him down, and, seemingly in a reflex, the boy stretched out his hand. Kylo heard Phasma gasp as the stick came flying in the child’s direction. He himself, however, saw his suspicions confirmed.

The entire room seemed to freeze. The beaten-up child immediately started to beg. With wide eyes, he was pleading that he was sorry. The master slapped him hard across the cheek, before picking the boy up and tossing him through the room. Kylo forced himself to remain calm.

“You are despicable!” the master yelled. “How are you ever to become a worthy person if you can’t even control yourself? You’re a disgrace!”

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to. Please, I’m sorry!”

“I am ashamed of you, Ishmael,” a third voice chimed in.

Kylo turned to find a group of people standing in the corner. He figured the woman who had spoken was this boy’s caretaker.

Ishmael started sobbing. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again, I promise.”

The woman shook her head and turned away.

“Off with him!” the master ordered.

One of the guards stepped up and grabbed Ishmael by the arm, dragging him away. The boy grew frantic, kicking, screaming, begging and pleading. The terrible sound stopped as soon as the door closed behind him.

“As you can see,” the director said as soon as silence returned to the training hall, “any use of the Force is heavily punished.”

Kylo watched as the next student faced the teacher for a training/beating. “What will his punishment be?” he asked, careful to keep his voice level.

“He will be put in one of the isolation cells. This is a level two group, so probably only for a couple of days. Of course, he will be fed enough this time; we don’t want him to lose strength. There’s a level five group practicing a few doors down; shall we take a look?”

They all followed as the director went back through the door and further down the hallway. The next training room was the same size as the one they just left, but missed the mats on the floor. Instead, a white circle was painted on the floor. A bigger variety of weapons were on display and the training droids were of a higher quality.

There were seven trainees in the room. They were obviously older than the level two children. Kylo guessed they were about Rey’s age. All of them were wearing basic armor. A teacher was explaining the use of a weapon while they stood around him in a semicircle.

“These level five trainees are much more advanced,” the director supplied. “They are up to the point where use of the Force results in immediate death, no exceptions. We do tend to lose some good fighters because of this, but there’s no preventing it. This is also the level where they start blaster training. Of course, there’s another training room reserved for this. Survival training is also started at this level.”

“Isn’t that a bit late?” Phasma spoke up, surprising Kylo but also voicing his own thoughts.

Woodstock gave her a once-over before turning towards Kylo. “We don’t want to risk them turning on us, of course, or trying to escape.”

Kylo nodded in response. The director lead them away, continuing his explanation.

“Levels six and seven are the polishing levels, so to speak. We allow them to choose their favourite weapons and to assemble their own, prefered armor. As a graduation test, they are dropped individually on one of the other planets in this system. If they survive a month, they are officially members of the Knights of Ren.”


	14. Anger Management

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!   
> Trigger warning for physical and psychological abuse.

*If they survive a month, they are officially members of the Knights of Ren.*

xXxXxXx

Phasma stopped dead in her tracks, betraying her surprise, whereas Kylo managed to keep on walking even though his heart skipped a beat and his lungs contracted painfully. _Knights of Ren?_

“I see your … assistant was unaware of the purpose of our facility.” Not trusting his voice, Kylo didn’t deign to respond. “Did you not trust her with this information?”

The glare Kylo sent him had him backing down immediately.

“My apologies, sir; I did not mean to offend.” With a slight cough and a vague gesture of the director, they turned left when they reached a T-section. “Let us go visit the graduates then,” he continued. “They have a section of their own in this institution. Of course we make sure they keep up their rigorous training, but they are indoctrinated enough to keep it up themselves. I’m certain you will be most pleased with them. Our former Supreme Leader—as he no doubt informed you—requested a group of twenty to be assembled. We are now up to seventeen. There are high hopes for some trainees in level seven, so we will be able to provide you with the remaining three soon.”

With a grunt, Kylo agreed with the man’s words. His head started spinning with the new information. Flashes of his own training under Snoke played out in front of his eyes, causing his hands to clench and unclench by his side. He tried to block the memories but failed.

“And here we are.”

Woodstock opened the double door that had ‘sector 8’ painted on them. Behind it was a common area. The few knights present immediately stood and gave the well-known greeting of banging one fist against their hearts.

“No doubt some of them are training; let’s head on.”

They continued to a large training hall. One side was separated by a force field, and blaster fire could be heard from behind it. Sparring rings were drawn on the floor in the middle of the hall; one of them was occupied by a group of three fighters. To the left, a couple of knights were annihilating training droids.

As he watched the fighting, Kylo couldn’t help but admire the skill of the knights. They each looked as eccentric as the ones he already knew—their armour unique to their own fighting style.

“Aren’t they magnificent?” the director stated almost reverently. “They have complete obedience; let me demonstrate.” He turned to the three in the middle. “David, stand still!” he shouted.

One of the three fighters immediately stood stock still, resulting in him being hit with a heavy blow in the stomach. He flew backwards, out of the ring, where he thudded to the ground. Immediately, the man stood up and saluted.

“See?” Woodstock gloated.

“Impressive,” Kylo allowed, gnashing his teeth. “I have seen what I have come here to see,” he continued, turning around and striding back the way they came from.

“Are you leaving already?” the director asked when he caught up.

“I have business to attend to.”

“Of course, of course.”

He guided the group through the compound in relative silence. When they reached the hangar, the director once more turned his attention to Kylo.

“When can I expect the children?”

Kylo tensed his shoulders; it was all he could do to prevent himself from taking his saber and removing the man’s head from his shoulders. “No children will be coming,” he answered tersely.

“Sir?”

Despising himself for it, Kylo sought an excuse that would not raise suspicion with the vile man. “I feel like a little … experiment,” he finally said. “If it fails and there happen to be survivors, I will send them this way.” He managed a small twitch of his mouth as a perverted version of a smile.

Woodstock grinned in response. “Ah, well of course!” he gushed. “Of course, I understand; I see Snoke has passed his curiosity unto you. Good luck with your experiment, sir! We’ll send word as soon as the group of twenty knights is complete.”

Kylo nodded and left without another word. When he reached the bridge, he commanded his pilot to leave as soon as possible. Turning, he came face to face with Phasma.

‘Sir?” He could hear the uncertainty in her voice, along with a residue of shock.

“Later, Phasma.”

His blood seemed to burn through his veins. His muscles quivered with his restraint against trashing his entire ship. Only the fact that he would then be stuck on Base Z prevented him from lashing out. He turned back to his pilot.

“Land on the closest planet with a tolerable atmosphere,” he commanded.

“Yes, sir,” the pilot answered. “That would be about two hours of flying.”

“Perfect,” Kylo commented before turning back to Phasma. “In the mood for a sparring session?” he asked her.

“Sir?”

“Do you feel like sparring?”

“Against you, sir?” In any other circumstance, the consternation in Phasma’s voice would have been funny.

“It’s either that or I destroy … something.” He watched her eyes slide to his saber. “Don’t worry; I’ll use one of the Trooper’s swords. There’s no use in killing you.”

“I understand, sir. I’ll gladly spar with you.”

“No need to sound so gleeful, Phasma. I’ll see you in two hours.” Shaking his head, he stalked away and towards his chambers, hoping meditation would allow him to keep his cool until they landed on the next planet.

xXxXxXx

Ten minutes before touchdown, he returned to the bridge, feeling like he could burst out of his skin at any moment. The Troopers had obviously heard what was going to go down, if their interactions were anything to go by. He watched them jostle each other lightly before one of them approached him.

“Sir?”

Kylo nodded at the Trooper, amused by how nervous he could tell the man was, even with all the armour.

“We, uhm, heard you would be sparring with commander Phasma?” Again Kylo nodded. “Are we allowed to watch, sir?”

Kylo blinked. That was what they were so nervous about? He realised that his own guard feared him, and while he preferred such in others, the men and women that were to protect him should only respect him. Fear would be counterproductive.

“Of course,” he finally answered, startling the Trooper. “If you do not neglect guarding the ship.”

“No, sir, of course not, sir. Thank you.”

“We land on open terrain in five, sir,” the pilot informed Kylo.

Kylo started pacing, needing a release for his anger. So much was wrong with what he had seen; yet, a part of him kept telling him he shouldn’t care. Troopers were nothing but tools; who cared about how the tools were forged? With a frustrated grunt, he marched towards the loading bay.

“I heard you’re allowing the Troopers to watch, sir. Given that we’re about to spar, I take the risk of speaking freely and commenting that that is exceptionally kind of you.”

His head snapped up at Phasma’s words and he startled at seeing her in only her black bodysuit. “Uhm…”

Phasma laughed. “Given that you have promised not to kill me, sir, I prefer fighting without my armour, if you don’t mind.”

Her laugh startled him even more. “No, I don’t,” he answered curtly. He grabbed a standard-issue laser sword from the nearby armoury and started pacing. The slowing pace of the ship, combined with the hissing of landing gear being deployed, told him they were about to touch ground.

“Rules, sir?” Phasma asked when the ramp started going down, revealing a field surrounded by trees.

“Anything goes,” Kylo answered, “although, I’ll refrain from using the Force.”

She nodded. “And the sparring area?”

Kylo stomped out of the ship, twirling his sword and trying to get the tension out of his shoulders. He looked around him. “We stay within the field. We start out in the middle.” He nodded towards a Trooper. “Congratulate the pilot on his choice of landing spot.” A feral grin stretched his lips. “This will do nicely.”

While the Troopers filed out of the ship—setting a perimeter or standing off to the side to watch—Kylo and Phasma walked to the center of the clearing. They stood a few meters apart and nodded at each other before they started to circle.

Kylo allowed his emotions to run wild. All the pent-up feelings, all the anger for the treatment of the children, and all his own resentment towards Snoke—it all flowed through his veins in a burning will to fight and destroy.

Phasma narrowed her eyes at him. She had chosen a spear to fight with. Kylo tried not to think of the resemblance that had with Rey; Phasma most likely didn’t know. For what seemed like ages, they merely watched each other, looking at how the other moved, if there were weaknesses in their stance, while at the same time getting a feel for the uneven ground under their feet.

It was Kylo who broke their standoff. He lunged forward, aiming to hit Phasma in the shoulder, but she blocked and parried. It felt strange to hold back with the Force and to not feel the almost burning sensation of his activated saber. Kylo took it as a challenge.

Soon, they were locked in a fierce fight. They both delivered and took hits as dirt was thrown up by their feet and missed blows. Kylo had to admit that Phasma could stand her own, and with his feral grin growing even wider, he doubled his efforts. He lost himself in the fight, seeing nothing but his opponent and feeling nothing but the flow of his motions and the strains on his muscles.

About twenty minutes in, he could feel _her_ presence. The slight hesitation it created was immediately taken advantage of by Phasma and for a moment, he needed to go into defense. When he finally gained the upper hand again, he locked their weapons overhead.

“She’s here,” he said.

Phasma gave an almost imperceptible nod. “You want to end our fight?”

“No, I just need a moment to allow her to see our surroundings. I can feel she’s worried sick right now.”

With another tiny nod, she pushed away from him and they started to circle. Kylo focused on their bond and couldn’t help the tiny twitch of his lips at Rey’s gasp. He didn’t speak to her or acknowledge her in any way before inclining his head towards Phasma and lunging back into the fight. There was still too much anger to be dealt with before he could speak to Rey.

He could feel her watching from the sidelines. The growing panic he had felt from her earlier was subsiding, but he could still feel a slight worry. Ignoring Rey, he ducked under Phasma’s spear and went for a blow to the stomach. She managed to evade him, but only barely.

As his anger started to fade, Kylo realised he was grinning for an entirely different reason; he was actually enjoying himself! He wasn’t giving it his all, allowing Phasma to counter him, blow per blow. Both had sustained bruises and mild injuries but, at the moment, neither was winning or losing.

 


	15. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

He completely lost track of time. Sweat plastered his hair to his face and his shirt to his chest. There were small tremors in his arms and legs, sure signs of physical exhaustion. Breathing heavily, he saw Phasma looking as haggard as he felt. He surprised himself with realising he didn’t _want_ to beat her. He held up his hand and slightly lowered his weapon.

“Why don’t we call this a draw?” Kylo asked.

He could hear the surprised murmur of the Troopers, and Phasma seemed equally surprised by his words. After a moment of dumbfounded staring, she gave him a smile.

“Certainly, sir.”

They walked towards each other to clasp hands, causing the Troopers to explode into cheering.

“Is she still here, sir?” Phasma asked.

Kylo glanced to the side. “She’s sitting next to the boarding ramp, smiling like a buffoon and cheering with the Troopers.”

“Good.”

“Why?”

Phasma merely gave him a secretive smile before walking towards the excited Troopers. They greeted her with claps on the back and congratulations. Kylo watched her with consternation before heading for the ship—giving Rey a small head motion so she would follow. Her projection flickered out of view even though the bond remained strong. She reappeared right when he entered his quarters.

“Why did you disappear?” he asked.

“Probably because I can’t actually walk that far—or upwards for that matter. I’m in my room.”

“If you’re in your room, how could you watch the fight?”

“It was a bit disconcerting, to be honest. It’s difficult to explain, like the Force was trying to alter my perception of space. Dizzying almost. But as long as I kept my focus on you, it was fi- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Kylo tried to hide his smirk as he stripped out of his undershirt. He dragged a hand through his sweaty hair.

“I did just spar; I’m in need of a shower,” he remarked, trying to sound aloof. He watched her reddening face with amusement, feeling quite smug.

Rey fluttered her hands at him. “Did you forget I’m here? Put something on.”

“I didn’t hear you complain last time.”

She covered her face with her hands, but he could see her becoming even redder. “I- You- It’s- Uhm… I’ll come back later when you’re done showering.” Rey tried to escape but he took a firm hold of their bond. “Ben!” she complained.

He gently pulled her hands away from her face. “Please, don’t go,” he all but whispered. “I was just teasing, Rey. You’ve seen me without a shirt before. Look, I’ll close the curtains around the freshener, okay? Just don’t go.” He bit the inside of his cheek, trying very hard not to smile as he noticed her eyes constantly getting distracted.

“It- It’s not appropriate…”

“Say’s who?”

“Uhm...”

She started biting her lip, indecision clearly written on her face. Like last time, he pulled the lip away from her teeth with his thumb. He felt the urge to trace the contours of her face with his fingertips, but he resisted.

“I won’t be long, I promise; and you won’t get to see a thing.”

Rey opened her mouth to say something, closed it again, frowned, and tilted her head with a confused look on her face.

“What?” Kylo asked.

“Nothing, nothing,” she was quick to assure him. “Alright, I’ll stay. It’s just, I feel like a voyeur or something.”

He laughed, causing her face to light up with joy. “Dear little Rey,” he said, pressing a kiss against her forehead on impulse. “So innocent.” Realising what he had just said and done, he quickly pulled away, gathering fresh clothes and towels before stepping into the freshener—all the while avoiding Rey’s gaze.

Kylo smiled as Rey sighed with relief when he closed the curtain around the freshener. Turning on the hot water and taking off his clothes, he allowed the weariness of his spar with Phasma to sink in. The water did wonders for his taut muscles. With a pleased grunt, he relaxed.

“Ben!”

Kylo startled, turning around swiftly, only to face the curtain. “What? What’s wrong?” he called out.

“Please, stay focused on- on projecting your surroundings!” Rey mumbled something under her breath. “I- Sweet Force! A curtain doesn’t help if I can’t see it…”

It took him only a split second to understand what had happened. His hands flew to cover his private parts. Feeling himself blush furiously, he quickly refocused on sending his surroundings through the bond. Once he was certain everything was in order again, he feared for Rey’s reaction.

“Rey?” he asked softly. “Are- Are you alright? I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I- Uhm. Yeah I’m- Really. Uhm. I’m fine. Yes, I’m fine,” she stammered in response.

Kylo couldn’t suppress a smug smile. If the jumbled emotions coming through the bond were any indication, Rey was now blushing even harder than he. It felt like she was trying very hard not to be affected, but failing. It was oddly exhilarating to know he had such an effect on her.

Not wanting to risk any more incidents though, he quickly washed and dried himself. When he stepped through the curtain, he noticed her sitting on his bed, her back to the freshener.

“All clear,” he said, slightly teasing.

Carefully, Rey peered over her shoulder. She smiled when she saw him fully dressed. Kylo went to sit next to her.

“I really didn’t do it on purpose,” he said again.

“It’s okay,” she mumbled under her breath, looking at her lap. “I probably should have turned away from the start.”

Kylo thought it was a delight to watch her blush again. He also found it interesting that she apparently had been watching the freshener curtain.

“Why were you sparring with Phasma?” Rey asked, obviously trying to change the topic.

“I needed to … blow off some steam,” he answered through clenched teeth.

“This last base was that bad?”

He ignored her question. “I was pleasantly surprised. Phasma really knows how to fight, I must admit. Without my saber and the Force, I really had to pay attention. She surprised me a couple of times.”

“She is _that_ good?” Rey blurted. “Wow.”

He grinned at her. “You make it sound as if you think I’m a god,” he teased.

Rey blushed again. “Well, uhm. I do think you are the best fighter I’ve ever seen. Like, undefeated and all,” she mumbled.

Laughing, he bumped his shoulder against hers. She looked up at him with sparkling eyes. For a moment, they sat in silence.

“So,” Rey said after a while, “was it really that bad? Show me, Ben. Let me see.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want you to see this.”

“But, why not?”

Kylo looked at her, at her doe eyes and the concerned look in them. He remembered calling her ‘innocent’ just a couple of minutes ago and realised it was this innocence he wanted to protect. What would she think when she saw what happened at Base Z? What would she think of him? He could barely accept it himself, and he had seen a lot more of the galaxy and its darker places than she.

She stared into his eyes. “You don’t have to protect me from the knowledge,” she said.

He flinched back violently. How did she know? Was she already in his head? No, he would have noticed.

“It was a lucky guess,” she said, reaching out to grab his arm so he couldn’t retreat any further. “I’m not some sand dune that will blow apart in a strong wind, Ben. Let me see. Let me share the burden.”

He did not know how to express what he felt as her words sank in. Feeling like he would regret the decision, he nodded.

“Alright, but only the memories I show you. No pushing, Rey, no snooping.”

“I wouldn’t,” she immediately responded.

He gave her a small, lopsided smile before touching her mind with his and inviting her in. Carefully, he showed her some selected memories: the tiny rooms, part of the explanation the director had given, the training room with the frightened child. He could feel his rage building again at the memories. There was pain mixed in it, pain of his own experiences, his own fears under Snoke’s tutelage. Before he realised it, a memory of his younger self, sitting alone in a room, begging for something, anything, slipped out.

When he realised what was happening, he violently threw Rey out of his mind, not caring if he hurt her in the process. He shot up and retreated to the other side of the room. His mind went blank, his rage fuelling darkness inside him. Those were _his_ memories. It was _his_ shame. How dare she have seen it!

Rey stared at him, shocked. “Ben?” she said tentatively, standing up as well.

He growled at her, his hand twitching for his saber. “You must feel so superior right now,” he snarled. “Having seen the Supreme Leader begging as a child. Will there be propaganda going around now? Undermining my name, my position?”

“Ben, I would never!” Rey answered, aghast. She approached him like she would a wounded animal.

“You want a good laugh then? Knowing that at one point I was reduced to nothing? Just like you were? Insignificant? Shoved into a pit and forgotten? Worthless? At least I’ve made something of myself now.”

She gasped at his words. A part of his brain was screaming at him to stop, screaming that he was pushing things too far. He barely heard it. Pain shot through his chest as unwanted memories assaulted him. Never would he be that pathetic boy again. He was strong, he was powerful, and he was ruthless. Nothing could stand in his way.

He watched as Rey’s hurt turned into anger. “How dare you insinuate I would turn to the Dark, that I would gloat in the face of your pain? That’s you, Kylo Ren! You alone. You would throw my history in my face when I’m only trying to help. You are the one that can’t let go of the past! You’re no monster, but a scared little boy pretending to be one, puffing up his chest and trying to look dangerous. Well good luck with that, you asshole!”

Her disappearance was paired with a painful snap in his head. Refusing to destroy his own ship, he started pacing in an attempt to burn away his rage. When it started to lessen, he could feel the mortification that he had hidden within it. He was ashamed of the weak boy he had been. To think Rey, his strong and beautiful Rey, had seen it. What would she think of him?

Kylo stopped his pacing when the full realisation of what happened hit him. He remembered the words he had yelled at her and paled. When he realised her enraged anger, how she had called him Kylo Ren instead of Ben, his knees gave out. He ended up on the floor of his quarters in a graceless heap. With the last bit of his hope, with every intention to apologise, he reached out over the bond—only to find it blocked by Rey.

 


	16. Reconnection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

He knew he was behaving much like his previous self when he noticed the Troopers scramble out of the way with renewed vigor when he passed by. Kylo felt like screaming, raging, destroying, wailing, and it was obvious to everyone who saw him. Even Phasma kept a safe distance, not showing her usual, slightly informal behaviour but instead reverting to the strict and severe Phasma he had known before.

He tried to convince himself he didn’t care about any of it. He was strong, powerful. It was as it should be; people should be cowering in front of him.

He didn’t fully believe himself.

As soon as he had realised the effect his words would have had on Rey, he had tried to reach her. He had prodded and tweaked, tried to get her to talk to him again, but to no avail. Her absence left a hole in his chest. He did not know how to deal with it. When had he started to care anyway? He was of the Dark side. Attachment was weakness.

Still, her silence hurt him, and he knew he was the only one to blame.

The block Rey had put in place, however, didn’t seem to be as strong or as complete as it had been right after Crait and he drew a little hope from it—however infinitesimal. There were still emotions coming through, albeit jumbled and chaotic.

At first she had been angry at him; that was something he could deal with. It was when her anger turned to sadness and then disappointment that he felt like carving his own heart out. How could he hurt her like that?

His attitude returned to being volatile; he carried rage around him as a shield.

Every evening—when he was alone in his quarters—he tried to contact her. He did not know what he would say. He did not know how he would explain the memory she had seen. He did not want her to remember that pathetic version of him. What he did know, however, was that he needed her. He needed her presence to keep him sane. He needed her to bring some light into his life.

Kylo snorted as realisation hit him. He had finally done what Snoke had always wanted; he had rid himself of the last remaining Light in his life. Shaking his head and dragging his hand through his hair, he gathered his determination. He was not ready to let go; he was not going to give up. Somehow he needed to be able to reach her.

Strong bouts of sadness and despair shot through him, and it took him awhile to figure out they weren’t his own feelings. He turned and marched off to his chambers, nearly bumping into a surprised Phasma.

“Tell the counsellors the meeting is postponed,” he barked at her.

“Sir!”

Once in his quarters, he flung off his cape and vest and sunk down to sit cross-legged on the floor. He reached out to her, but she was still blocking him.

“Rey,” he cried out, flinging it against the block. “Rey! What’s wrong?”

There was no response. The sadness he was feeling only seemed to get stronger. Worried about what could possibly have happened, Kylo did the one thing he hadn’t been willing to do before: he attacked Rey’s block with strength. He could feel her anger rising. Suddenly, she completely dropped the block, giving him a mental whiplash.

“Go away!” she immediately screamed at him.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Go away! I don’t want you in my head!”

He noticed that he couldn’t see her; only her voice ringed in his ears.

“I want to talk to you.”

“But I don’t want to talk to you!” she screamed. Her voice hitched.

Kylo didn’t answer. Not knowing what to say to make her stop screaming at him, he merely held onto the bond. Even though she was angry with him, he felt relieved to be in her presence again.

“It’s all your fault anyway,” Rey finally grumbled.

Internally, Kylo snorted. Wasn’t everything his fault? “What is?” he carefully asked.

“Temiri asked when the new kids were coming. I had to let him down, since that’s obviously not happening anymore. He was so disappointed. I broke another promise, like I broke my promise to teach him.

“And there’s nobody here. Finn and Rose are in and out on missions. Poe won’t talk to me since he somehow figured out I’m the reason he’s not allowed to fly anymore. Most of the other Resistance members look at me with either fear or suspicion. And even though Maz tries to regularly talk with me, she’s always busy. Again, I’m left with nobody.”

“Rey, I-”

“No! Go away! I can’t trust you!”

Kylo closed his eyes, keenly regretting how he had lashed out at her. “I still want you to have the children,” he said after careful deliberation. “I just haven’t figured out how to make them disappear from the system yet, nor how to ship them to you.”

The long silence that followed made him uncomfortable.

“You- You still want to send them here?” she finally asked.

He thought she sounded as if she suspected a trap or a catch that she hadn’t figured out yet. Her mistrust of him cut him even deeper than the words she had flung at him or the distance she had kept between them.

“Yes,” he answered. “I trust you to take care of them.”

She flickered into existence in front of him. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her face blotchy; it was obvious she had been crying. Even so, seeing her filled him with joy.

Rey looked up at him through her lashes. “You do?”

“Yes. Look, Rey, I didn’t want you to see that memory. I was trying so hard not to show it that I ended up doing just that. When I realised what had happened, I-” He gnashed his teeth. His need for her forgiveness was raging a war against his ingrained beliefs against showing weakness. “I panicked,” he finally managed to say. “I … didn’t know what to do so I lashed out.”

She looked at him, brown eyes wide, as if she was waiting for him to say more.

He clenched his jaw so hard it hurt. “I’m- I’m sorry,” he growled.

Rey looked down at her lap, where her hands were fidgeting with the fabric of her pants. “I’m sorry too.”

“Why?” he asked, uncomprehending.

“For what I said. For blocking you.”

“No, Rey.” He reached out his hand but she flinched at his movement. Despondent, he dropped it back in his lap. “You don’t have to apologise,” he said. “I should never have- It’s all my fault.”

“Did Snoke really do that to you?” she asked in a timid tone of voice.

The question alone made him feel sick. He closed his eyes again to fight the memories. “Yes,” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry. That’s- Nobody should do that to a child, not even to an adult. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t need your pity!” Kylo snapped. He opened his eyes again when she made a strangled noise. “Rey, I’m-” He sighed. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Okay.”

They sat in silence for a while longer, neither knowing what to say.

“Why can’t you get the children here?” Rey finally asked.

“It’s complicated,” Kylo answered. “I … gave the director of Base Z reason to believe he would not be receiving any children, but I have nowhere else to take them—officially, that is. Even if I do figure out a ruse in that aspect, it has to look as if the children are being picked up and sent to their next location.  Normally, they would be shipped with different ships. Now, they have to be gathered first before being transported. Then I have to figure out how to get them to you, all without raising suspicion.”

“Oh.”

“Also, since it’s supposed to be a standard translocation of people, I can’t put Phasma on it. That would be like raising a red flag. How am I to make sure they safely arrive if I can’t use a pilot I trust?”

Rey blew out a breath. “Wow.”

Kylo merely grunted in response.

“What did you tell the director?”

“That I wanted to … experiment.” He still felt sick about his own words.

Rey shot him a look but didn’t comment. “What does Phasma say about this?”

To his mortification, he could feel himself starting to blush. “I, uhm-”

“You’ve been treating her poorly, haven’t you?” Rey stated, accusative.

Kylo didn’t respond, knowing full well she was right.

“You should apologise to her too,” Rey continued. “She’s your friend.”

He sighed. “Very well.”

Rey gave him a tentative, surprised smile, sparking hope in his chest that his words would at one point be forgiven. Her face, however, quickly morphed into a pensive frown.

“We can’t risk attacking a ship of yours. We could try to infiltrate whatever this ‘next location’ of yours will be?”

“No,” he said, “I can’t risk having my own projects look so vulnerable.”

Rey nodded. “How secretive will this new location be?”

“Given that I’m going to ‘experiment’ there, it will have a ‘need-to-know only’ status. Why?”

“If the children are transported by a pilot who’s not authorised to know the location, he’ll have to drop the children off somewhere. Perhaps drop them off some place where we can pick them up?”

“I’m not sending a pilot to his death,” Kylo grumbled.

“He can just leave them?”

“Alone?”

Rey sighed.

“Unless…” Kylo continued. “Unless they have a guardian to stay with them.” He gave her a broad smile. “Thank you, Rey.”

She tilted her head to the side. “Why?”

“For giving me an idea.”

“Oh.”

Blushing, she looked down at her entwined fingers. Unable to resist, Kylo reached out again. When she didn’t flinch, he put a finger under her chin so she would look at him.

“How’s the lightsaber getting on?” he asked, just to keep talking. His head was full of plans and possibilities to get those twelve children to safety, but he didn’t want to leave Rey; now that she was once more talking to him, he didn’t want to let go of her.

“Maz has some people looking for parts; she’s got an astounding amount of contacts. I hope they can find them. It’s slow progress but I’m getting there. Speaking of Maz, how do you know her? She says she’s never met you, unless you count the attack.”

“Ha!” Kylo dragged his hand through his hair. “That little woman somehow managed to get a hologram delivered to me. She made it very clear exactly what she thought of my attack on her drinking hole. There were some very creative threats in there…”

“She scared you with a hologram?”

“She scared me because the hologram made it to my private quarters, without it being viewed even once.”

Rey stared at him. “How?”

“I have no idea. I never figured out how it got there or who put it there. She’s a force to be reckoned with, that Maz of yours.”

“But- But that means she has connections with the First Order!”

“Or a spy on board the _Supremacy_ , yes. At least, at the time. He or she might be long gone.”

“And you really never found out?”

“No, and not for a lack of trying. I had the entire ship on lockdown. Everybody was screened. Nothing came up or seemed even slightly suspicious.”

“Impressive.”

“Indeed.”

Once more there was silence between them; this time, however, it was contemplative instead of awkward. Kylo simply watched Rey; he studied the rhythm of her breath, the way her eyelids fluttered, and the way her fingers kept plucking at her pants.

Eventually, Rey moved to get up. “I should go tell Temiri and the others the good news,” she said.

Kylo couldn’t find anything to say to keep her with him, so he merely nodded and stood. “I will get started on getting those kids out.” He took a deep breath. “It’s good to have talked to you again, Rey.”

She smiled. “Bye, Ben.”

 


	17. Making Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta’s!

Kylo sighed as Rey disappeared from view. He felt elated that she talked to him again, that she allowed him in. Her apparent loneliness made him want to tell her again and again that he was always on the other side of their bond. He wanted her to know that he was there for her. By getting those kids to the Resistance, he hoped he could show her he also meant it.

“Finally!” Phasma muttered as he walked out of his quarters fully intent to set some plans in motion.

“Excuse me?”

“Sir!”

The commander straightened up and saluted. Kylo merely stared at her in confusion.

“She has talked to you, hasn’t she?” Phasma asked.

“How, by the Force, do you know that?” he asked, utterly baffled.

“Uhm…”

“Spit it out.”

“You don’t look like you’re about to kill anymore, and standing next to you no longer feels like a black hole is trying to suck me into oblivion,” Phasma rambled. “Sir,” she added as an afterthought.

He started chewing on the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out how to respond but coming up short.

“Right…” he finally said. “Rey says I should apologize for that.”

“Consider that apology accepted.”

They nodded at each other once before he headed towards one of the nearest meeting rooms, needing ensured privacy for the orders he was about to give.

“What did the counsellors say?”

“Nothing much while I was still in the room. One of my Troopers reported that they muttered about the inconvenience for a bit afterwards, but nothing that was cause for concern.”

“Good,” Kylo answered. He walked into the meeting room, followed by a mildly confused Phasma. “We need to focus on getting the children out,” he said. “I need that woman, the caretaker at Base One. Have her flown in. I also need a pilot that isn’t high on the clearance levels and doesn’t ask too many questions. He’ll be picking up the children in one, long run. I also need some place or ship prepared as a ‘testing facility’ of sorts.”

“I figure you have a plan, sir?”

“Yes, but it all depends on the caretaker.”

“If I may ask, where will the children go?”

Kylo looked at her, weighing the risks. “To Rey, to the Resistance.”

Phasma nodded once. “I’ll get it done.”

“Good,” he responded. “Keep me updated. You’ll find me at the training grounds.”

Three hours later, Phasma found him while meditating, controlling and levitating multiple objects around him with the Force.

“Phasma,” he greeted her without opening his eyes.

“Sir.”

Her armour creaked in a way he was unfamiliar with. Without abandoning his control over the multitude of objects, he opened his eyes to look at her.

“You’re … sitting down,” he stated, surprised. It took him a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “You discussed your suggestions with the head of armour design?”

“It’s still in its testing phase, sir. We will need to see if it will hold up as good in combat as the original armour.”

Kylo nodded. “Very well. Now, tell me what you have accomplished.”

“A missive has been sent to inform the caretaker that her presence is requested. I took the liberty of requesting a direct pick-up. Finding the right pilot will take some time, especially without raising suspicion. An official request has been made in your name to build a testing facility. Your personal input will be needed if you want this to look like a special project under your own supervision.”

Kylo nodded, beckoning a service droid. “Good. Who’s in charge of the search for a facility?”

“Manager Jay Skivlak.”

“Get this message to Jay Skivlak,” he commanded the droid. “There will be a meeting concerning the facility in 45 minutes, level 2, sector 20, room B36. Attendance is required for everybody who will be involved. I expect you to bring a list of possible locations and a prospect on construction time for each.”

After the droid beeped and rolled away, Kylo dragged his hand through his hair. With a sigh, he lowered the still floating objects to the ground. “I don’t like this,” he muttered.

“It is necessary, sir.”

He looked up at her. “Are you my friend?” he blurted out.

Even from behind her helmet, he could see her eyes grow wide. “Yes, sir.”

“Rey kept telling me that. I didn’t know if I could believe her.”

“She seems like a very perceptive person.”

“It would seem so. When will the caretaker arrive?” he asked. “What’s her name?” he added as an afterthought.

“Sirena Aurora will arrive in approximately 84 hours, sir.”

“Good,” he said again, standing. “Let’s go intimidate our manager.”

xXxXxXx

The orders Kylo gave for ‘his’ facility sickened him to the core. Ironically, the location they decided upon was a half-constructed base like the ones he had visited. Construction had been halted twenty years earlier after volcanic activity made the area unstable. By the time things settled down, the project had been forgotten.

When Phasma notified him of the caretaker’s arrival, Kylo was all too happy to give the facility project a break.

“Did you ever tell this Sirena the reason she has been summoned?”

“No, sir.”

He glanced at Phasma sideways, hearing the amusement in her tone.

“You have an evil streak, commander.”

“I will neither deny nor confirm that, sir.”

Kylo snorted and they continued their trip in silence. “No guards?” he asked when Phasma motioned that they’d arrived.

“Someone with that amount of fear and determination combined doesn’t run. If she would have, well, my men could have used the practice. The pilot informed me that—given the way she behaved on the ship—he doubted the woman had seen the inside of a ship more than once.”

“Practice, hmm?” He shrugged. “Let’s go see if this woman is of use.” Pulling back his shoulders, he opened the door and strode into the room.

The caretaker jumped to her feet, cringing as the chair she had been sitting on next to the table toppled over and clanged to the floor. “Supreme Leader!” she greeted, giving him a half bow.

Her fear was evident in her voice, yet Kylo could sense the same underlying determination that had caught his attention at Base One. He inclined his head at her and studied the twitching, nervous woman. When he took a step towards her, she flinched violently but managed to prevent herself from taking a step back.

“Pick up your chair, caretaker Aurora,” he said, “and sit down.”

Once she was seated, he went to stand in front of her, enjoying a bit of intimidation. He figured there was no harm in it since he wasn’t actually going to hurt the woman—well, not on purpose. He took off his gloves and handed them over to Phasma.

“I’m going to be searching your mind,” Kylo said. “The less you fight me, the less it hurts.”

Without further preamble, he touched the woman’s temples and dove into her mind. She twitched at the initial contact, but then held rigidly still. The first thing he encountered was her current fear of why he had summoned her and what he would do with her. Delving a bit deeper, he came across images of everyday life at the Base. He was pleased to see her devotion to the children—smuggling food to those that needed it most, standing up to the taskmasters, and providing much-needed comfort in general.

At first, it seemed like there wasn’t much more to her mind and memories than that, but then he came across a stray thought. _I wonder if the Resistance treats their children like this._ Intrigued, Kylo followed it deeper into her mind. The caretaker started fighting, hissing in pain as she tried to prevent him from seeing and hearing more.

“Don’t fight me!” he commanded.

She sobbed but stilled. More treacherous thoughts bubbled up. _This can’t be the right way to do things. We are barbarians, monsters. The First Order be damned, these are children, not droids!_ One after another, Kylo found little incidents that made the woman question the Order she was working for. Once he was sure he’d gotten the full picture, Kylo broke their connection. He started pacing the room. The woman was pale as a ghost, wringing her hands in her lap.

“Some interesting memories I found,” Kylo commented.

“Supreme Leader!” she immediately exclaimed, looking up at him with wide eyes. “I am loyal, I really am. Those were thoughts in moments of anger, of frustration. Please, they-”

“Would you defect? Given the opportunity?” he interrupted her.

“No! No, sir, I would not! You must believe me! They mean nothing, those memories-”

“Would you defect if I asked you to?”

“Those memories mean nothing! I would never defe-” She blinked up at him. “What?”

Kylo suppressed an amused snort. “Would you defect if I asked you to?”

There was a long silence where the caretaker stared up at him, uncomprehending.

“The Supreme Leader asked you a question!” Phasma barked. Kylo could hear the amusement underneath her authoritative tone.

“I- I would be leaving behind a lot of children, sir,” Sirena answered evasively.

Kylo narrowed his eyes, making her blanch even further. “And what if I told you you would be saving twelve children by defecting? Among them three of your own facility?”

“Save twelve? Like, get them out of the system?”

Kylo nodded his assent, wondering how much he could risk telling the woman now, and how much would have to wait until later.

“Then yes, yes, I would defect. But only if you asked me, sir; I would never think of it on my own.”

He brushed her mind again and could detect no deception. Happy with the caretaker’s answer, he turned towards Phasma.

“Have her guarded 24/7 by some of our own. If anybody who knows about the new facility asks, say I believe she’ll be able to keep the children alive the longest.” He turned towards Sirena. “If anybody asks you, say you don’t know but heard rumours of a new facility under my command and that you suspect or even hope to be put in charge there.”

“Keep- Keep alive the longest?” she stuttered.

“A ruse, which is all you need to know right now.”

He nodded once to Phasma before turning and departing.

 


	18. Risky Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! ;) Apologies for the sudden, unannounced hiatus. I fell headlong into a burn-out and was quite unable to write for some time. Some of you might have noticed I kept writing Reylo drabbles; well, they were my way to at least try and write something. They were low in complexity and therefore manageable. You don't want to know how long some of them took me though...  
> Anyway, I’m hoping to start again with a one chapter each week updating schedule. Not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up, but I’ll try.
> 
> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

“Your timing has to be absolutely right.” Kylo was pacing the room. “You can’t be early, nor too late. You don’t want to be discovered, and if the children get picked up by us, I don’t know if we’ll ever get them out. You have to be right on time.”

“I know, Ben; we’ll be there.”

Kylo glanced at Rey. She was sitting on his bed and watching him pace, patiently allowing him to go over the plan again and again. He could not remember a time where he had felt _this_ nervous. The first couple of missions he had run for Snoke were cause for fear—fear of failure, fear of looking weak or a fool, fear of being punished for mistakes he might make—but not nervous, never nervous.

“We’ll have someone on the ground to signal us when your ship leaves the children behind. He’ll be dropped off the day before, some distance from the clearing. Nobody will notice him.”

“The caretaker is a good person; don’t treat her too roughly. Get in and out as fast as you can.”

“We will.”

“And don’t come looking when you feel me raging later that day. You know I’ll have to put on a good show. They’ll expect me to throw a massive tantrum at the loss of the children, so that’s what I’ve got to give them.”

“As long as you promise not to hurt Phasma.”

He stopped his pacing, shocked. “Why would I hurt Phasma?”

“I’m guessing she’ll be the one investigating why the pick-up ship is late and, as a result, will be the one giving you the bad news?”

Kylo smiled at Rey, touched by her sympathy and worry for a woman she had never met in person—someone who had even tried to kill her friends at least once before. “I’ll be in the communications room, closely following everything. Naturally, that will be where I hear the bad news. There will be plenty of people to scare, and enough equipment to destroy.”

Rey smirked at his words. “And this caretaker, Sirena, she knows what to expect? She won’t freak out or something?”

“She knows.”

He vividly remembered the conversation in which he had given Sirena Aurora a full briefing. The woman’s surprise had been all encompassing.

xXxXxXx

_“Tomorrow morning, you’ll be boarding a ship,” Kylo told the caretaker._

_He had decided not to tell her anything until the very last minute. As Phasma had pointed out, even if she was trustworthy in her actions, a slip of the tongue easily happened._

_“Over a span of six days, you will pick up several children from bases all around the galaxy. In total, there will be twelve children. The directors of the bases know who they’re to hand over to you; there will be a list on board the ship to double check.”_

_Sirena nodded at his words, a frown marring her face as if she was trying to figure out the point of it all._

_“Once you’ve gathered all the children, the pilot will set a course for the Mirrin System where he will land on a small, forest-dominated moon. There, you will disembark the ship. The pilot does not have the clearance level to fly to my new facility, nor is he allowed to know the identity of the pilot that does.”_

_The caretaker’s frown only grew deeper. “We’ll be abandoned on a moon?” she asked._

_Kylo made a nondescript noise. “One of my personal ships will come to pick you up,” he answered, turning to face her so he could see her reaction to his next bit of information. “Before that happens, however, a Resistance ship will arrive to collect you. I am now officially asking you to defect. You’ll board the Resistance ship with the children and they’ll take you to safety.”_

_“WHAT?”_

_He grinned, enjoying the woman’s shocked expression, causing her to become even more flustered. “Supposedly, one of the Resistance members will already be present on the ground. He might contact you; he might not. I’m not aware of this particular detail._

_“The Resistance knows who you are and has promised me to treat you well. Still, it will probably be a rough time for you. Whatever questions they ask you, you are free to answer.”_

_“All- All of them? Surely there are secrets I have to keep?”_

_“No,” he simply answered, “especially not if it will make your life easier.”_

_“But- But- I don’t understand.”_

_“There’s no need to understand, only a need to do as I say.”_

_“Of course, sir. Apologies, sir. I’m merely shocked.”_

_“No doubt,” he commented dryly. “Once with the Resistance, you’re certain to encounter Rey, as she is currently in charge of the children there. You are to treat her as you treat me—with the utmost respect and reverence.”_

_“The Resistance Jedi? The one that killed former Supreme Leader Snoke?”_

_“The one and only.”_

_“Uhm- Okay, sir.”_

_Kylo glared at her. “Will that be a problem, caretaker Aurora?”_

_“No! No, sir, not at all. I’m still surprised, sir. I understand, sir.”_

_“Good. I suggest you go pack your bags.”_

xXxXxXx

Rey smiled at him. “You like her, don’t you?”

“Who?” he asked, coming to sit beside her on the bed and taking her hand in his. Holding hands had become a habit.

“The caretaker, this Sirena Aurora.”

Kylo shrugged. “She seems competent enough. She’s loyal to the children and determined to see them safe.” He sighed. “This has to go perfect, flawless. We can’t afford to make a mistake.”

She cupped his cheek with her free hand. “And we won’t, Ben. It will go as planned. We all want this to succeed.”

They looked at each other for a moment and he felt the urge to kiss her—like he had the last couple of times they had met over their bond. He wondered how she would react if he tried it. Would she pull away? Be disgusted by him? Yell at him? Not willing to take the risk, he contented himself with rubbing his thumb over her hand.

The drop-off and resulting pick-up of the children was planned in three days, and he was heading out later that day to oversee the final preparations at his institution. Rey and he had agreed not to contact each other until after the children had arrived safely back at the Resistance base. They each had their part to play and decided not to risk distractions. He didn’t like it, but he understood the sense of it.

“I have to go, Ben,” Rey finally said with a small, sad frown. “Contact me as soon as you can, please?”

“Of course,” he answered, rubbing away her frown with his fingers.

Rey smacked his hand away with an amused laugh and stood. He grinned at her in return. She started to fade but suddenly became corporal again.

“Wait,” she said. “Does Sirena know these children are Force-sensitive?”

Kylo’s grin widened. “No. I decided to let you have some of the fun as well.”

Rey laughed, dashing over to him and kissing him on the cheek. “Thank you, Ben.”

xXxXxXx

He was standing stock-still in the control room, hoping the expression on his face read ‘gleeful anticipation’. Inside, he was a nervous mess. The window of time in which the Resistance could safely pick up the children was narrow, to say the least.

“Transport LK445 checking in. Approaching planet, will breach the atmosphere in approximately ten minutes.”

“Copy that, LK445.”

Kylo’s eyes flickered to his communications officer. She was a competent woman, calm and practical in nature. It struck Kylo that he missed Phasma’s reassuring presence by his side. She was moving around the compound—making last-minute and totally unnecessary checks—before awaiting the transport in the hangar.

Half an hour later, the com crackled again. “Transport LK445 checking in. Drop off completed. Jump to lightspeed as soon as authorised.”

The communications officer looked over her shoulder and Kylo gave a tight nod, hoping the little twitch of his had went unnoticed or was misinterpreted as unrestrained anticipation.

“LK445, jump to lightspeed authorised. Report to the _Supremacy_ for further orders.”

Kylo forced himself to breathe in and out evenly, calming his nerves. It was now or never. He could almost envision the Resistance ship appearing on the horizon. Would they use the _Falcon_?

“Estimated arrival of the pick-up?” he barked, trying to distract himself.

The communications officer—he thought her name was Elisa—nodded once and reached for some controls.

“1FT56 report in.”

“1FT56, listening.”

“Estimated arrival?”

There was a short pause in which the beeping of controls could be heard. “Jump out of lightspeed in 17 minutes, entering of atmosphere in 25.”

“Copy that; Control over and out.”

Kylo gave the woman another nod when she looked over her shoulder. In his head, he was counting the minutes, trying to envision how the rescue was going. He hoped the children didn’t cause any trouble and that Sirena didn’t lose her nerve. The urge to open up the bond and contact Rey was overwhelming. Gritting his teeth, he kept himself in check.

“1FT56 to Control.”

Kylo’s eyes flashed to the communication board. Had the Resistance been spotted?

“Control is listening.”

“Please confirm coördinates of pick-up site.”

“Sending coördinates now.”

There were a couple of tense minutes where Kylo fought the urge to pace.

“1FT56 report in. Confirm location.”

“Location confirmed.” The voice sounded hesitant.

“Confirm pick-up.”

“Pick-up not confirmed.”

Kylo allowed himself a split second of relief before scowling and swirling around. He stalked towards the communication board and pressed the open-com button before Elisa could answer.

“Explain,” he barked.

They could hear the pilot gulp over the radio. “Sir! There are no children at the pick-up location, sir. I’ve checked the coördinates and I’m at the right spot. No human life forms show up on the radars either, sir.”

Kylo growled, trying to maintain his angry facade while elation and relief flooded him. They managed it! The children were safe!

“Check the other craft’s logs!” he commanded, gathering the Force around himself and making sure the others in the room could feel it. “Check if it dropped the children off at the right location!” He started pacing aggressively.

“Yes, sir!”

The staff started working frantically—contacting the other ship and analysing the received data. A frightened silence descended upon the room.

“Sir,” Elisa cautiously said, “they were dropped at the right location. They seem to have disappeared between drop-off and pick-up.”

“Impossible!” he roared. An information panel on his right erupted in a shower of electric sparkles. “Repeat the radar search! Send a team out there to search the planet! They cannot have disappeared!”

He paced some more while the staff did as they were told. Kylo tried to wrap anger around him as a cloak, use it to maintain his façade, but he felt himself failing; he felt too much relief to make it look good.

At the edge of his mind, he could feel Rey cracking open the bond—like someone opening the door just wide enough to peek at the room behind it. He growled. They had agreed that she would _not_ come seek him out.

“I was the one waiting for the children on the ground,” Rey whispered into his mind.

“What!” he roared again, just as the pilot confirmed once more that no human life forms were within radar range. He barely registered it.

The bond slammed shut as rage enveloped him. What had she done? How could she endanger herself like that? Why didn’t she tell him? With another frustrated roar, he cut his saber across a control panel.

“Find me those children!” he roared again, letting himself fall into one of his rage tantrums, sweeping his saber around in a wide arc. “Find them!”

He furiously started cutting the control panel to pieces. What if the first ship had his radar on and had spotted her? She could have been captured! Why did she do such a foolish thing? She would have been mistreated long before he could get to her!

“S- S- Sir, we- we’re going to need-”

The offensive man slammed into the door where he slumped down, unconscious. Two of his colleagues dragged him outside. Kylo attacked yet another panel, effectively destroying the entire communication system.

As he turned around, he noticed the entire room had been abandoned. He kept on hacking—for good measure and to burn away his frustration towards Rey. They would talk about what happened. She could not put herself in danger like that. She just couldn’t.

Phasma walked in and looked around the room. “Quite the damage you’ve done here,” she stated.

“Convincing enough?” Kylo asked, breathing heavily.

“I suggest you march out the door and into your ship, sir. Bark another ‘find them’ and leave.”

Kylo smirked before doing just that.

 


	19. Back to Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Kylo settled himself back into his quarters on the _Supremacy_ , making sure everybody knew of his bad mood and foul temper. He waited an agonising day before contacting Rey. She responded immediately.

“Ben!”

She flickered into view before him, a beaming smile on her face. It surprised him how badly he had missed her. It had been less than a week.

“Rey,” he all but sighed, smiling back at her. “How are they? How are the children? Are they settling in?”

A myriad of expressions shifted across her face, until a neutral one remained. “The five youngest are doing great. They’re settling in just fine, playing with Lyra and the other small kids. It’s the older ones I’m worried about. They don’t seem to relax. It’s like they’re miniature robots or something.”

Kylo frowned at the news. “They’re that indoctrinated? I had really hoped they would settle once they were out of that dreadful environment.”

“It’s only been a day. Perhaps, with some time, they’ll come around? It’s just heartbreaking to watch. Temiri has taken charge of them though. I hope he can get through to them, without exhausting himself in the process.”

“Is Sirena of any use?”

The frown on Rey’s face immediately turned into a wide smile. “You should have seen her face when I told her the kids are Force-sensitive!” she laughed. “Wait, come into my mind; you really have to see!”

Kylo took the opportunity to move closer to her. He went to stand right in front of her and touched her temple. They both knew it wasn’t necessary, but neither felt the need to point that out. Together, in Rey’s mind, they shared the dumbfounded, utterly confused look on Sirena’s face. Both were sniggering when Kylo returned to his own head.

“Glorious!” he grinned. Not willing to relinquish her nearness, he grabbed her hand and pulled her to the bed so they could sit down.

“She’s a wonderful asset,” Rey said. “I don’t know how we would have dealt with the children without her. They really don’t behave like children. But she seems to know what makes them tick.” Rey looked at him, her eyes narrowing. “What did you say to her regarding me, though? She behaves … oddly, and she won’t tell me why.”

Kylo worried his lips and smiled when he noticed it drew Rey’s attention to them. “I told her to treat you as she would treat me, with the utmost respect and reverence.”

Rey hit his arm playfully. “You did not! No wonder she keeps getting flustered when I tell her to stop calling me Madame and simply go for Rey. She scuttles out of the way every time we pass each other in the hallways. I told her to stop doing that too, but she simply won’t.”

“Finally someone who offers you the honour you are due,” Kylo said in response, touching her cheek.

“It’s so unnecessary!”

“It is not. It’s about time they recognise what a precious gem they have in their midst.”

Realising what he had just said, Kylo coughed and looked away. Rey was staring at him with wide eyes, before looking away herself and blushing.

“About that rescue though,” he suddenly said. Rey cringed slightly, correctly guessing what would come next. “It was you? On the planet?”

“Do you really think I would have let anybody else do it? I’m the most qualified for it.”

“You’ve put yourself in danger.”

“It was a calculated risk. Someone needed to be down there. This mission was deemed classified, so not many people knew. The less the better. I was the logical choice.”

“You can’t put yourself at risk like that!”

“And I could _not_ justify putting someone else at risk.”

“It was too dangerous!”

“Why are you so upset? You’ve put yourself at risk as well!”

“That’s of lesser importance. I could have talked myself out of it. If you were caught… You would have been captured, or even dead.”

“I know.”

“Then don’t do it!”

“I had to!”

“I don’t want you hurt!”

They were both breathing heavily. Somewhere along their argument, Kylo had stood to face Rey. With his last exclamation, he had cupped her face with both hands. He stared at her as she stared right back, a look of wonderment in her eyes.

Kylo could feel the anger flowing out of him. “I- I don’t want you to get hurt,” he repeated, drawing his thumbs over her cheeks before letting her go. “Who flew the ship? Can I know?”

Rey swallowed and guiltily looked away.

“It was that pilot, Poe, wasn’t it?”

She nodded. “He is our best pilot. We needed all the skill we could get. He was our best chance.”

“Just make sure he doesn’t show up here anymore,” he merely grumbled.

“He won’t.”

They fell into silence. Rey kept throwing him glances as he paced the room.

“Why are you pacing?” she finally asked. “Everything went according to plan.”

“That doesn’t mean I no longer worry for those children. And the others, there are so many others still left in the system.”

“There’s nothing you can do for them now, only in the long run. It’s sad but it’s true.”

“I know. I don’t like it.”

Again they fell into silence.

“Teach me something new.”

Kylo abruptly stopped his pacing. “What?”

“Teach me something new,” Rey repeated, smiling. “How do you show me your surroundings? I know I did it for you once, but I think it was beginner’s luck or something. I can’t repeat it.”

“How do you know you can’t repeat it?”

“I’ve tried, a couple of times. I think you would have reacted if you suddenly saw more than just me.”

He snorted. “Yes, that would definitely elicit a response.” In a fluid motion, he sunk down to sit on the floor. “Come on; I’ll teach you.”

With a grin, Rey hopped off the bed and went to sit opposite of him, their knees touching.

“So,” he said, taking both her hands in his and starting his explanation, “the key to showing your surroundings is widening the bond. It’s like enlarging the amount of data that can be transferred through a cable.”

xXxXxXx

A couple of days later, he returned to his quarters after a long, bothersome meeting about the disappearance of the children, only to find Rey asleep on his bed. The sight did all sorts of things to him. Most of all, he wanted to crawl in next to her, pull her to him, and fall asleep as well.

He shook his head, resisting the urge and deciding to take a shower to wash away the day. He was walking a fine line—a mix between anger for his staff’s failure, having wanted the children for his experiment but not thinking them worth much, and losing interest in the project all together. In the end, a stray thought had entered his mind and he’d ordered the facility to remain functional and ready to take people at all times. That also meant the communication center had to be repaired.

Kylo shivered in the cool air as he took off his shirt. Frowning, he looked back at the sleeping Rey. With silent steps, he walked back to her, picking up a blanket along the way. Carefully he draped it over her. She sighed and burrowed into it, much to his delight. He had stopped thinking about the exact workings of their bond long ago; it only gave him headaches.

Stepping behind the curtain, he widened their connection, showing his surroundings just in case she woke up. With the warm water spraying over his back, he went over the thought that had passed through his mind at the meeting. It was a wild idea, dangerous even, in a way. If they turned against him, he would be dead. He wanted to help, but did they want to be helped in the first place?

With a sigh, he splashed some water in his face and started soaping himself. He would talk it through with Rey, and see how Phasma would react. He dried himself and put on a fresh pair of pants before emerging again from behind the curtain. He smiled when he saw Rey was still sleeping, facing his way.

This time, he couldn’t resist. Not caring that his hair was still wet, he climbed onto the bed to lie next to her—on top of the covers and without touching. She looked even younger while sleeping. Her hair was loose and falling freely around her head. Some strands got stuck in the corner of her mouth, and he carefully pulled them away and tucked them behind her ear.

He wondered how she had ended up sleeping on his bed. Was it by accident? Or did she really trust him that much? He had felt her appear earlier. It had happened before, her appearing somewhere apart from him so he had to go find her. It had happened the other way around as well, when he contacted her. They both simply shrugged it away.

Kylo couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. He took her slightly outstretched hand in his and simply stared at her. His feelings for her were growing; he could no longer deny it. The urge to touch her, hold her, even kiss her, grew stronger every time he saw her. He hardly ever acted upon it, fearing she would shy away from him. He didn’t think he would be able to survive if she rejected him.

Rey sighed and her eyes fluttered open. He let her hand slip out of his as she moved it to her mouth for a big yawn. “Ben?” she muttered.

“Hello, sleepy head,” he answered.

“I fell asleep?” she mumbled. Her hand reached out to touch his chest. “You’re not wearing a shirt.”

He had to swallow as the tingle of her touch spread all over his body. He placed his hand over hers and pressed it closer. “No, I’m not,” he managed to say. “I took a shower.”

She seemed to fully wake up as she started blushing. “I fell asleep,” she stated again.

Kylo chuckled. “Yes, you did. On my bed.” He couldn’t help how his voice lowered at the end.

She started blushing even harder and the hand against his chest twitched. He tightened his grip, not wanting her to pull away.

“Sorry?” she asked, sounding unsure, as if she didn’t know how to respond to the situation.

“Don’t be,” he answered, smiling at her. “I think I like it.”

“Oh.”

She moved under the blanket, her legs pulling up to her chest. He still wanted to pull her closer; he wanted to know how she would fit against his body. Closing his eyes, he focussed on some training exercises in order to calm himself—and a certain part of his anatomy—down enough so he could focus again.

“Any specific reason you’re here?” he finally managed to ask.

Rey smiled at him. “I wanted to see you.”

He thought his heart was going to explode. “I’m happy to see you too,” he whispered, raising her hand to his mouth so he could kiss its palm.

“Oh,” she said again, her smile turning shy. He put her hand back on his chest, still not letting go. For a long time they just laid there, dozing, until Kylo spoke up.

“I want to help them.”

“Help who?” Rey sleepily muttered.

“The Knights. I want to help the Knights of Ren.”


	20. Forgotten Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Rey was suddenly wide awake. “What? You want to help the Knights? How?”

Kylo bit the inside of his cheek. “I want to put them back in touch with the Force.”

“Oh… Do you think they would want that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you ask them?”

“They would say ‘no’; that’s how they’ve been trained. They’re conditioned to think they’ll be killed if they want to connect with the Force.”

“Do you think they will listen to you? You once told me you had to split them apart because they blame you for Snoke’s death.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Perhaps you could ask one of them? The youngest? Or the one you trust the most?”

Kylo focussed back on Rey and let go of her hand to cup her cheek. “What would I do without you?” he asked, semi teasing, semi serious.

She smiled at him but didn’t answer.

“There is one who seemed more sceptical and less angry than the rest. I’ll meet with her first and see from there.”

“Her?” Rey asked, her eyes slightly narrowed.

“Yes,” Kylo answered, surprised by her tone. “Not all the Knights are men; you know that.”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

She tilted her chin down—breaking eye-contact and dislodging his hand. Kylo looked at her with mild confusion, but decided to change the subject instead of questioning her.

“How’s your lightsaber getting on?”

He panicked slightly as it seemed the wrong thing to ask. Rey frowned and bit her lip, a look of sadness crossing her face.

“Nowhere,” she whispered.

“What do you mean ‘nowhere’?” Kylo asked, nudging her chin back up so he could look at her face better. He wished they were standing so he could hug her. The sudden change in emotion startled him and it annoyed him that he did not know what to do.

“Just, nowhere. It won’t get finished.”

“Why not? Is there something you don’t know? Did I not give you enough information?”

She didn’t answer.

“Rey, tell me why you can’t finish it. Let me help.”

Finally she looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “Don’t you know?” she asked. “Don’t you know that it’s near impossible to find kyber crystals that are for sale? Let alone one at the black market? One that’s of a high enough quality?”

Kylo blinked at her. “Uhm…”

“Ever since the destruction of Jedha, kyber crystals have become extremely rare. All the still existing mines are controlled by the First Order; all trade is logged and meticulously controlled by the First Order.” She sniffed and sat up, looking away from him. “No wonder you didn’t mind giving me the schematics on how to build a saber; you already knew I wouldn’t be able to get my hands on the main component.”

It took Kylo a second to process her words, before he abruptly sat up. Rey tried to scoot off the bed but he held her back.

“No!” he stated. “No! I did not know that.”

“How could you not?” She was still looking away from him.

Kylo laughed without mirth. “I merely state I need something and others make it appear. I didn’t even know the training process and living conditions of a big part of our military force; is it so difficult to believe I know nothing about the markets?”

Rey glanced up at him, before looking away again. She had moved to sit against the wall, as far away from him as possible.

“What about Maz?” he questioned. “Doesn’t she have any strings to pull?”

“She already tried. It’s no use.”

He looked at her huddled form. “Please believe me when I say that I did not know. I want you to have your own saber, I really do.”

“Why?” she mumbled. “That makes no sense. I’m still your enemy.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“My enemy? Are you really?” He didn’t like how his voice sounded, but there was no helping it. Did she really think of him as an enemy? Had he been reading their bond so wrong?

She turned her head even further away, fidgeting. “I’m on the wrong side, aren’t I?”

Kylo hesitated. “Am I still fighting the Resistance?” he asked, deciding to take a leap of faith.

“What?”

“How long has it been,” he continued, “since the last report of an attack reached you? Did the base on Gozgo report in? Or did the one on Espirion notice some irregularities? Any enemy space crafts hovering above Makem Te?”

Rey’s head shot up. “You know about those?” she cried out.

He moved over to her—realising he was trapping her against the wall but needing her to not run away, to not abandon him—and held her face in both his hands.

“Yes, I do. Our intel knows about some of your trade routes as well.”

“But- But-”

“Are you really my enemy, Rey? I need to know.”

She stared at him, wide-eyed and confused. Their bond shimmered with emotions—pain, doubt, hope, fear. He recognised the fear; he dealt with it himself every single day.

“I won’t abandon you, Rey,” he murmured. “If you don’t abandon me, I won’t abandon you.” A tear escaped her and he brushed it away with his thumb. “Are you my enemy? Am I yours?”

“I-” she hiccuped. “I don’t want to be.”

He sighed in relief, dropping his hands. “Then don’t be.”

“I-”

“I’ll see if I can find a good crystal,” he interrupted her.

She gazed at him. “Really?” Her voice sounded unsure, slightly broken.

“Yes.”

“It makes no sense,” she said. Kylo didn’t respond. “Why?” she asked.

He opened his mouth but hesitated as his brain formed words he was unable to speak. “Because every Force user should have a proper saber,” he finally said.

Rey raised an eyebrow—looking at him as if she didn’t truly believe him but not pressing the matter. “Even if you find one,” she said, “how will you get it to me?”

“We’ll figure that out once I have it,” he answered.

She yawned. “Okay.”

“What did you do today?” Kylo asked with a smile.

“Train with the kids.”

His curiosity peaked. He wanted to know how they were doing, if the older kids were already behaving like children again. Looking at Rey, however, he saw her blinking owlishly—fighting her sleep in an attempt to stay awake. He didn’t examine the feeling he had in his chest when he laid back down and patted the pillow beside him.

“Go back to sleep, Rey. You’re tired.”

“I can stay awake,” she said. “You want to know about the children, don’t you?”

“That can wait another day. Go back to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, even though she was already snuggling into the pillow.

Kylo hummed a small laugh. “Yes, I’m sure.” Grabbing the blanket, he pulled it back over her before pushing her hair out of her face. “Now sleep.”

“Okay,” she mumbled again.

He watched as her eyes fluttered closed. On an impulse, he grabbed her hand again, holding it in his. Rey hummed in response. With a gentle smile on his face, Kylo watched her face relax. He listened to her breath evening out until she was once more asleep. He kept watching her until he started feeling drowsy himself. Not long after, he followed her into sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, the bed was empty. Even though he had known this would happen, disappointment still rushed through him. He realised he wanted the real Rey to sleep in his bed. Perhaps she only trusted him enough because their connection was through the bond? Perhaps she didn’t trust him, but the bond’s ability to prevent harm?

Sighing, he got up. There was no way for him to know, and he wasn’t going to ask her. Donning his clothes, he started planning what to do next. Ember Ren was stationed on a ship near the outer rim. It would take her a while to get to him when he summoned her. He needed to decide whether to summon her to the _Supremacy_ or to his new facility. And he also wanted to ask Phasma’s thoughts on the idea.

Dragging a hand through his hair, he stepped outside his room. To his surprise, one of his Troopers stood watch instead of Phasma.

“Sir!” the soldier saluted him.

“Where’s Phasma?” Kylo asked.

“There was an incident with former general Hux, sir. She went to deal with it.”

Kylo stared. Hux. He had completely forgotten about Hux. He wasn’t even sure where the man was located at the moment.

“Take me to them,” he ordered.

“Sir!”

Following the Trooper, Kylo started wondering what to do with the ginger. Was he even still sane? Could he trust the man? Did he have any use whatsoever? He dragged his hand through his hair again—cursing the so-manieth problem but realising at the same time that he was the cause of this one.

“Sir!” Phasma said in surprise, seeing them turn a corner in the detainment area of the ship.

“Phasma,” he greeted.

She ordered the Trooper to leave before facing him. “You forgot about Hux, didn’t you?”

He nodded, for some reason feeling guilty. “Give me an update?”

Phasma shook her head lightly. “After you got tired of him, I moved him in here. He’s being treated like any other prisoner, even though we don’t have any others at the moment.”

“What was the incident about?”

“Some Troopers got in and thought it funny to harass him. They’ve been dealt with.”

Kylo nodded. “Take me to him.”

Phasma glanced at him before shrugging and walking him to one of the many prison cell doors.

“Is he sane?” he asked before opening it.

“Pretty much.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He’s been in solitary confinement ever since you stopped torturing him. How sane do you think he is?”

Not having a proper response, Kylo shrugged and opened the door. The interior was stark white, with fluorescent light shining harshly on a bed, a table that was bolted against the wall, and a single chair. In the corner, there was a small lavatory. Cameras were visible in every corner of the ceiling. The only spot of color was the ginger hair of the pale man sitting on the bed.

“Armitage Hux,” Kylo greeted.

The man stood while a myriad of expressions flitted across his face. Kylo was pleased to see fear was still among them.

“Su- Supreme Leader,” Hux answered. He gave a small bow but didn’t remove his eyes from Kylo’s face.

“I forgot about you,” Kylo said. “It seems you managed to survive. Weeds do not perish, I once heard say.” Hux did not answer and merely looked at him. “Are you still sane? After all this time here?”

“Excuse me?” Hux exclaimed.

“Ah, there’s the general I know.” Kylo lifted a hand and smirked when Hux’s eyes widened with fright. “I don’t really like him.”

“Su- Supreme Leader,” Hux said again with another small bow.

Kylo snorted. “I’ve got an assignment for you. Don’t look so pleased; you won’t be leaving this room.” He watched as Hux’s shoulders slumped and was surprised to feel some pity for the man. “I need you to write down your vision for the First Order. Don’t try to sweet talk me; I’m no longer the man you thought you knew. Be honest. I need it by the end of the week.”

He swirled around and strode off. When Phasma joined him, she gave him a sideways glance.

“Sir? What are you planning to do with him? Why the writing assignment?”

“No idea, but I want to see if he could be useful.”

“For what?”

“No idea.”

Phasma stopped walking. “You honestly don’t know?”

“No. Are you coming?”

“Yes, sir! How will you know if he’s sincere?”

“By looking into his head. It will easily reveal if what he wrote adds up with what he thinks.”

“He’s terrified of you,” Phasma noted.

Kylo grinned. “Finally.”

 


	21. Convincing a Knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

“She’ll arrive this afternoon?”

“Yes. I wanted it to be informal—a question, not a command—so I summoned her back here, to the _Supremacy_. If she’s interested, we can always pay the facility a visit later on.”

Rey nodded. “What are you going to say to her?”

“I don’t know.” Kylo dragged his hand through his hair, pacing, while Rey sat on his bed and watched. “She probably doesn’t trust me, which will only get worse when I bring up the Force. She won’t allow me to simply snoop around in her head, and ordering her to let me do so won’t help with the trust issue at all. Besides, I don’t think her mind will tell me anything useful. I don’t know how to prevent Ember from thinking it’s a trick to get rid of her.”

“By sympathising with her.”

“I do what?”

“Or you tell her you disagree with Snoke’s vision considering the Force; but that might anger her further about you killing him, no?”

Kylo frowned.

“And treat her like an equal. Be honest. If you want her answer to be genuine, you need to make sure she feels the answer is wanted.”

“How is this so easy for you?” Kylo questioned.

Rey shrugged. “I used to barter a lot. I’m guessing this is the same.”

Smiling, he walked over to touch her face. “You are a treasure.”

She blushed. “I need to get going; the kids are waiting. Let me know how it went?”

“I will.”

After Rey’s departure, Kylo busied himself with reports and the general decision making that was needed to keep the First Order running, until he was notified of Ember’s arrival.

“Get her settled in her quarters,” he ordered Phasma, “and bring her here afterwards.”

She nodded and walked out, leaving him to pace his study. The room had a magnificent view of the stars, but the endless void couldn’t calm his nerves. He thought about contacting Rey again but then decided against it. He was still the Supreme Leader—he was strong and powerful; he could do this on his own.

When Phasma returned, he was leaning against his desk—trying to look calm and collected. Ember immediately saluted but left out the accompanying ‘Supreme Leader’. It wasn’t a good start. Kylo inwardly sighed and turned to Phasma.

“Please wait outside.”

“Sir?” she answered. He could hear her hesitance.

“Outside,” he repeated.

With a last glance towards Ember, she nodded and left.

“You allow her to question your orders?” Ember said with a sneer as soon as the door closed.

“No,” Kylo answered, giving her a level look. “She wasn’t questioning my order; she was questioning your loyalty.”

Ember blinked. “I see.”

He studied her. She was a woman of average height with short, brown hair. Her stance was straight and rigid, but he knew she could snap into action in a blink of an eye—like a wire that was strung too tight.

The armour she wore seemed fairly simple, which was quite deceptive. It had reinforcements on her back and chest. What seemed to be reinforcements on her arms were fold-out knives and hidden weapons. The tips of her boots could produce knives as well. On her back she carried her primary weapons: two swords whose razor sharp edges could be enhanced with both lasers and fire. All in all, she was a deadly woman.

“Good,” he finally answered, before taking a deep breath and deciding to get down to business. “I’ve summoned you here for a specific reason, namely to ask you a question. It’s one I’m planning on asking all the Knights if your answer is positive.” He looked at her to let his words sink in.

“Why me?” she asked.

Kylo snorted. ‘Be honest,’ Rey had said. “I am well aware of the … displeasure amongst the Knights about my coming into power,” he answered. “It seemed you were the least likely to immediately try and kill me.”

Ember didn’t respond. Taking another deep breath, Kylo continued. He kept a close eye on her; after all, she was a dangerous opponent.

“I hate to admit that there were things Snoke never deemed to enlighten me with,” he said. “One of them was Base Z.” Ember twitched. “I was certain that, apart from Snoke, I was the last Force-sensitive alive. I was proven wrong when _the girl_ showed up. After I became Supreme Leader, intel told me I was wrong again. Base Z finally confirmed just how misinformed I was. It seems that all Knights are Force-sensitive.”

Movement of Ember’s hands made him face her full on. It took all of his willpower not to reach for his saber. He needed her trust.

“I disagree with Base Z,” he stated, blunt and head-on.

Ember froze and stared at him. He thought he detected uncertainty in her eyes, but her neutral mask was trained to such perfection, it was impossible to say for certain.

“You will leave this place alive, no matter what you say,” Kylo continued, hoping it would settle the woman. This time, Ember actually frowned. It felt like victory.

 Taking a deep breath, Kylo decided to take a leap of faith. “You, as all the other Knights, were once in touch with the Force. It was beaten out of you. Now, I want to give it back.”

The laser enhanced sword clashed with his saber, inches away from his head.

“Lies!” Ember bellowed.

Phasma immediately stormed into the room.

“Phasma, halt!” Kylo commanded. The woman stopped, looking at him completely bewildered. Ascertained that his order was met, he turned his attention back to Ember. “Put your sword away and I’ll forget that you attacked me. I promised you would leave alive no matter what you _said_ ; actions were not included.” He modeled his voice to sound cold and in control.

Ember took a step back, sword still in hand. “You betrayed Supreme Leader Snoke.”

“ _Former_ Supreme Leader, and yes, I did. He misjudged me and threatened something I could not afford to lose. He made a mistake. I refused to remain his pawn and so I killed him, taking his seat in the process. He thought he had broken me, but all he did was make me stronger.”

“The Force equals death.”

“Snoke was scared of Force-users. As a team, he knew they could destroy him. Given Base Z, I guess he figured you were too precious a resource to throw away. You see, even if you don’t feel the Force anymore, as a Force-sensitive, it still flows through you and makes you stronger. So he beat and tortured the Force out of those who were strong enough to deny it, and killed the ones who weren’t.”

“The Force equals death,” Ember repeated, a hint of something in her voice Kylo could not decipher.

“I am not Snoke.”

Her eyes narrowed and the hand around the sword handle tightened again. “You would be a fool to give us your power.”

Kylo contemplated that for a second. “Perhaps,” he finally answered, “but it would take you years to get there, if it’s even still possible. In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure that putting you back in touch with the Force is even possible, but I’m willing to try.”

“What about those in Base Z right now?”

“I am yet to find a way to help them. That’s all the information you will get.” Silence reigned the room. After a while, Kylo spoke up again. “Put away the sword, Ember. I’m not going to attack you and you have no reason to attack me. You are free to return to your quarters to contemplate what has been said. You are not my prisoner. As always, you have your Knight’s privilege to freely use this ship’s facilities. I only ask you not to contact your fellow Knights about this matter.”

Slowly, Ember sheathed her sword. Without a word, she thumped her chest in greeting, turned, and walked away. Once she was out of hearing range, Kylo nearly slumped in relief.

“That went better than expected,” he muttered.

“It did?” Phasma replied.

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

“Barely.” Kylo gave her a sharp look. “Sir.” It didn’t sound convincing.

Shaking his head, Kylo grunted and sat back behind his desk. “I need to finish this ruddy paperwork; then I’m going to burn off some steam.”

“All hail the Supreme Leader and his paperwork.”

“What’s gotten into you today?” he asked, staring at Phasma.

“Just glad you’re still alive, sir.”

With a small bow, she turned and walked out. Kylo stared at the closed door for a long time, trying to figure out what had just happened. Phasma _cared_? Deciding to mull it over later, he returned to the reports on his desk.

It was more than two hours later when he leaned back and called it quits for the day. Had he known being Supreme Leader came with so much paperwork, he might have had doubts about taking the position.

Phasma fell into step behind him as he left the office, heading for the private training grounds—only himself and a few elite were allowed to use it. He looked forward to some training to loosen up the muscles that had cramped from sitting behind his desk for so long. He wasn’t made for sitting still.

The door hissed open and he immediately tensed as he caught movement in the corner of his eye. Ember stopped halfway through her form to bump her hand against her chest in greeting. She studied him like one would study prey. It made him wary of her.

“I was unaware of your presence here,” he stated.

A curt nod, and she returned to her forms. They were fluent, controlled, and precise. The thought crossed Kylo’s mind that she would be a good teacher for Rey.

After some warm up exercises, he fell into his own forms, one movement flowing freely into the other. It calmed him down immediately, just like Rey’s presence did. He controlled his breathing, lunging and slashing invisible enemies. He caught Ember watching him. ‘Treat her like an equal,’ Rey had said.

Kylo stopped and turned toward the Knight. “How about we spar?”

Ember blinked. The lack of other tell-tales of her emotions was unnerving, just like how still she kept herself.

“I attacked you only a few hours ago,” she finally stated in response.

“Are you planning on killing me, Ember Ren?”

“No.”

“Then I suggest we spar.”

“No lasers, no Force.”

“Agreed. No fire.”

“Agreed.”

“I’ll just inform Phasma, before she storms in thinking we are truly fighting.”

“She’s dedicated?”

“She is,” Kylo answered, moving to the door. Stepping out into the hallway beyond, he informed his commander.

“Is this wise, sir?”

“I hope it will earn me some respect,” he answered, his mind already halfway through the bond. “Rey,” he said with his mind, searching her out.

“Ben!”

The joy with which she greeted him never failed to put a smile on his face. “I’ll be sparring with Ember, so don’t freak out.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

He snorted. “You’re starting to sound like Phasma,” he said in response. “It will be fine. She’ll be brutal but won’t do any lasting damage.”

Rey blanched. “What?”

He belatedly realised he shouldn’t have said that. “Don’t worry about it, Rey. Look at it as a different form of bargaining. Trust me.”

Slowly, she nodded. “Let me know when you’re finished. Let me know that you’re okay.”

“I will. I have to go.”

“Stay safe.”

He reeled a bit when their connection broke. ‘Stay safe’? She wanted him safe? Had he reason to hope? Shaking his head, he stepped back into the gym, focusing his mind on the fight to come.

“I thought you might not come back,” Ember sneered.

Kylo glared at her. “A minor incident that needed my attention,” he lied smoothly. Walking to the armory at the back of the room, he selected a sword that was about the same length as his saber. Without the Force to aid him, he realised he would have to block physically. Foregoing an actual shield, he clasped arm guards over his forearms.

Ember was already standing in the sparring circle, eying him, studying him. Both her swords were in her hands, the knives that were usually hidden in her arm guards deployed. They stared each other down as he moved in to face her. In a blur of movement, Ember attacked.

 


	22. Earning Respect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Kylo knew he was at a disadvantage; his longer sword would manage to keep Ember at a distance, but it was too easily blocked by her double swords. She was lightning fast—he had to give her that. There were moments where only instincts allowed him to block her attacks; he never actually saw them coming.

Tired of being on defense, he lunged into an attack and managed to drive Ember back. Her arms shook at the impact of his sword. Kylo smirked. Eventually, however, she again slipped through his slower movements and forced him to block several attacks with his arm guards.

They were evenly matched. Like vultures, they circled each other—coming together in the fight and splitting back apart when neither could get the upper hand. Kylo could feel the sting of the cut in his upper arm where the knife on her forearm had slid past his arm guard. A bloodied rip in Ember’s armour told him where the longer range of his sword had cut her abdomen.

Sometime during their spar, Phasma had entered the room. She was standing near the door—rigid but not interfering. Kylo paid her no heed, and he doubted Ember had even so much as glanced her way.

Ember lunged again. Their exchange of blows ended with his sword blocking both of hers above their heads. They were both panting, both staring at the other and trying to figure out the next move.

Kylo knew he was stronger, but throwing her back would give him little advantage. Instead, he kicked at Ember’s leg—causing the woman to buckle and her swords to slide down from their position. Lightning-fast, she turned her fall into a roll. The knives at her arms, however, got in the way and slowed her down.

Dropping his sword, Kylo took advantage of Ember’s momentary weakness to grab her wrist as she stood, wrenching away the sword in her hand. Not letting go of the wrist, and mindful of the knife right next to his fingers, he jerked and kicked her feet from under her. Even while she fell down, she swung at his legs. The desperate move was easily parried and Kylo pointed his conquered sword at her throat.

“Yield.”

Ember stared up at him, calculation clear in her eyes.

“Yield,” he said again.

She nodded. “I yield; you win this round.”

Kylo snorted at the not quite complete surrender, and offered her his hand to pull her up. She gave it a bewildered look before accepting.

“You are not the Kylo Ren I knew.” He didn’t answer her, merely went to retrieve the sword he had dropped. “What made you change?” she continued, still looking at him.

“ _That_ is information you are not privy to,” he answered.

Her eyes narrowed. “Then I have no reason to trust you.”

Kylo sighed. “You want proof that I’m sincere?”

She gave him a curt nod, her swords sliding back into their sheaths with a soft hiss.

“How can I trust that the information I give you will not leave this room?”

A low growl escaped her, a look of anger flashing over her face as she once more thumped her fist against her chest. “Upon my word as a Knight,” she snapped.

Kylo decided he liked her. She had the same fiery temperament as Rey. Those two would make quite a pair, if they didn’t kill each other first. He nodded once in acceptance of Ember’s word.

“You’ve no doubt heard about the missing children?”

“The ones you wanted to _experiment_ with.” Ember spat on the ground, a clear form of disrespect. Kylo didn’t reprimand her for it; he understood.

“I know where they are,” he said.

“What?”

“I know where they are.”

“So you _are_ experimenting on them?” He could see her hand twitching to reach for her blades.

“I am not,” he answered in a calm voice. “They are safe and cared for. Nobody will find them.”

Ember seemed unsure. “Then why report them missing? Why have troops search for them? Why all the fuss?”

“To get them out of the system.”

“Then where did they go?”

He didn’t answer and instead simply looked at her.

“Information I’m not privy to?”

“Indeed.”

“What are you planning?”

Again, he answered with silence. She let out a frustrated grunt.

“How did Snoke raise you?”

Of all the questions she could have asked, this was not one he had expected. “Come again?”

“How did Snoke raise you? Once you were in his service?”

Kylo hesitated. These weren’t good memories. He didn’t particularly want to share that information.

“You know about my childhood,” Ember pressed. “It seems rather fair to me that I know about yours.”

He barked out a short laugh. “Since when were things ever _fair_?”

It was Ember’s turn to remain silent. Kylo dragged a hand through his hair and sighed.

“I guess it wasn’t much different from yours. Where he beat the Force _out_ of you, he beat the Force _in_ to me. He made sure I could _never_ forget it.”

“Similar, huh?”

“From what I’ve seen.”

“If I were to agree, what would happen?”

He tried very hard not to show the hope he felt on his face. He feared he failed in the attempt. “Can you still feel it?” he asked. “If you would try? If you really wanted to?”

For a moment, she stood stock-still; then she shook her head. “No.”

“Then I would have to enter your mind to find it and reconnect you to it. I can’t guarantee it won’t be painful; I can only promise not to look for more than the missing connection. I can’t guarantee success either.”

Another curt nod. “I will think about it.” She greeted—including Phasma in the gesture—and left.

“You’re grinning like a fool,” Phasma noted. Her voice told him she was teasing.

“It’s progress,” he answered. “I never expected her to give in so quickly.”

“She hasn’t given in yet.”

“True, but at least she’s thinking about it.”

“I still don’t understand why you are doing this.”

Kylo shrugged. “I simply have to,” he answered, unwilling to utter the words ‘it is the right thing to do’ or ‘I feel bad for them’.

Phasma hummed, obviously not believing him. She shook her head and glanced at his arms before speaking up again. “I guess we’re heading for your quarters now? So you can inform _her_? And tell her you survived the sparring?”

He nodded, summoning his lightsaber into his hand so he could clip it on his belt. His mind was already trying to figure out what step to take next if Ember agreed, and what to do if she didn’t. Could he really deny all the Knights this opportunity simply because one of them refused? It frustrated him that he could do nothing but wait until Ember made a decision.

As the door to his quarters closed behind him, he decided to take a quick shower before contacting Rey. She wouldn’t like it, but he felt grimy and sweaty. Turning on the water, guilt overrode him, thinking that maybe she was anxious for contact. Making her wait would be cruel. He did not want to be cruel to her; so he sent her a small message through the bond—‘Safe, shower’—before actually stepping under the water.

When he re-emerged, he let out a profanity when he saw her sitting on the bed—cross-legged and with her back to him. He hadn’t anticipated she would open the connection fully; certainly not when he’d told her he was in the shower!

“I didn’t look!” she immediately said after his swearing. Something in her voice, however, made him question that statement. He couldn’t help the satisfied smile that curled his lips upward.

“Are you sure?” he teased.

“Uhu.”

He didn’t need to see her face to know she was blushing. Suppressing a chuckle, he put on some pants and declared it to be safe for her to turn around. She peeked over her shoulder, revealing her red-tinged cheeks. Her eyes went wide as she spotted him.

“You’re hurt!”

Kylo blinked. He was? Rey all but jumped from the bed and quickly closed the distance between them. Without reservation, she grabbed his arm and studied the cut where Ember’s knife had slid above his arm guard.

“It’s only a scratch.”

She looked up at him. “You need to treat it. Put some bacta on it or something.”

He couldn’t help but feel touched by her concern. He didn’t dare contemplate what it meant that she worried about him because of a small cut.

“It will heal,” he simply said.

Rey shook her head. “Don’t you have a first aid kit in here? You need to at least cover it, so it won’t get infected.”

“Hygiene is hardly a problem on this ship,” he retorted.

She frowned at him, still holding his arm, and he felt stupid for protesting.

“It’s in the top drawer,” he said, nodding at the furniture against the wall.

Rey waved him to the bed before retrieving the kit. “Sit!”

He humoured her, watching as she rifled through the drawer and eventually found the green box with standard medical supplies. He realised what she was planning as she didn’t hand it over to him when he held out his hand.

“You don’t have to…”

“Hush!” she protested, plucking bacta, gauze, and bandages from the kit. “You can’t properly do this with your left hand.”

He opened his mouth to contradict her—he had done it before, plus he had medical droids for this—but closed it again. It had been a long time since something other than a droid had fixed his wounds. Most of the time, he had stumbled to the med bay, or had been dumped there if his injuries were too grave and he could no longer walk.

Entranced, he watched as she tore open the bacta patch and gently put the content on his cut. Her fingers brushed his skin softly, as if she was afraid she would hurt him further if she pressed too hard.

“Does it sting?”

“A bit,” he lied.

He didn’t know why he had felt the urge to lie. It didn’t sting at all. He wondered if it had stung in the shower but came up short. It was worth seeing her bite her lip over it though. Did she really care so much? With equally gentle and soft touches, she pressed the gauze over the wound and then started wrapping a bandage around it.

She stared at her work, her fingers trailing up and down his arm. It tingled, almost burned at the most sensitive spots. He wished he could trail his own fingers along her neck, her cheekbones, her lips.

“There. Better.”

Her words snapped him out of his reverie. He moved his arm and noticed the bandage didn’t hinder him at all.

“Thank you.”

She looked at him, her eyes wide and a bit darker than usual. He stared into them and felt his body react. Swallowing, he decided to quickly break whatever tension it was that was building between them.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?”

Rey blinked owlishly before quickly stepping away and repacking the first aid kit. “Yes, yes, tell me what happened. How did she respond?”

He watched her move around as he answered her. “She was wary, as expected. When I eventually stated I wanted to restore her connection with the Force, she attacked me.”

Rey slammed the drawer shut, whirling around to face him.

“She did what?!”

“She attacked me, thinking it was a ruse. I was prepared for it, so no harm done.”

“Where was Phasma? Didn’t she stop Ember?”

“She was outside. She came storming in as she heard the commotion though.”

“Why was she outside? Why wasn’t she with you?”

Kylo thought he detected a hint of accusation in her voice. “Because I told her to wait outside,” he answered.

Rey stalked up to him, poking a finger to his chest. “You foolish, foolish man!”

He grabbed the offending finger and wrapped his hand around hers. “Foolish?”

“Yes, foolish! Why send Phasma outside?”

“I needed neutral terrain. I needed to look confident and anything but scared of Ember.”

“But she could have killed you!”

“She didn’t.”

“But she could have! And then you gave her another opportunity when you sparred. She could have claimed it an accident. She could have killed you!”

Kylo was surprised at how distraught Rey sounded. She had turned away from him—refusing to meet his eyes—and was feebly trying to pull her hand out of his grasp. He wouldn’t let her. Instead, he tugged until she was standing between his legs. His free hand moved up to cup her cheek.

“Rey,” he said. “You shouldn’t worry about me.”

“But I do.”

He couldn’t figure out her tone of voice. Was it sadness? Resignation? Anger? Fear?

“I’m not worth it.”

“Yes you _are_!” she cried out.

Her head snapped up with her words. He didn’t know how to process the fact that her eyes were brimming with tears. Why was she near crying? For him? For her? Did she really believe what she was saying?

“Rey,” he said again. He liked her name, had liked it since the first time he heard it. “Ember is a magnificent fighter, but she wasn’t out to kill me. I could tell.”

“Magnificent, huh?”

“Yes,” he answered carefully. Her tone of voice had changed again and it made him wary of his own words. He didn’t quite understand why, but decided to not ignore his instincts. “Aside from that, she’s going to think about whether or not to accept my offer. I haven’t talked to her about using the facility yet. I did have to divulge that I got the children out of the system.” Rey’s eyes grew alarmed. “She doesn’t know where they went; don’t worry,” he quickly added. “It’s not like I trust her.” Somehow, that seemed the right thing to say, for Rey smiled at him again.

“Do you think she’ll eventually accept?”

“I hope she does. She didn’t dismiss the idea, which is a good sign.”

He brushed his thumb over her cheek and watched as Rey’s eyes fluttered close in response. The softness of her skin mesmerized him. It struck him just how much she must trust him to allow him to do as such, the same as falling asleep next to him. He didn’t know what to think of it.

Suddenly, Rey looked behind her, a frown marring her face.

“What’s wrong?”

She looked back at him and smiled. “It seems Temiri can’t keep them off any longer.”

“Temiri? What? Who?”

“I stepped into the first empty room I could find when you called. Temiri has been guarding the door.”

“What did you tell him?”

“He doesn’t know much. I’ll explain later; I have to go.” She touched the bandage on his arm. “Take care of that scratch of yours.” And with that, she was gone.


	23. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

It wasn’t until the next day that they managed to find the time to speak to each other again. Kylo had been running himself ragged fearing how much Temiri actually knew. How much could you trust a kid? What if he said something to the wrong person? It caused him to lash out at Rey as soon as they connected.

“Tell me what he knows!” he practically yelled.

Rey flinched and took a step back. “Ben?”

“The kid, Temiri, what does he know?” he repeated, not shouting this time but the urgency still clear in his voice. “It’s unsafe! His mind is unprotected! What if he tells someone? _Why did you tell him?_ ”

The frown that Rey sent him told him he’d gone too far. He wasn’t going to apologise though; it was too important. Suddenly, Rey’s frown disappeared and her face turned alarmingly devoid of emotion.

“You don’t trust me?”

He could hear the slight tremor in her voice. Combined with that empty expression, Kylo felt out of his depth.

“It’s the kid I don’t trust.”

“But I trust him.”

“That doesn’t matter. What did you tell him? Why?”

He knew, even as he said the words, that they were wrong, that they would worsen the situation. He didn’t want to alienate her from him, not now that things were going so good again. Still, he could not let this rest. It was not safe for the kid to know about the connection.

Rey just kept looking at him. When she finally started speaking, her voice was as devoid of emotion as her face and Kylo felt a shiver run down his spine. What had he done?

“I had to tell him something after you managed to contact him when I exhausted myself. I told you that when it happened,” she started explaining. “Who was he? How did he know you were sick? How did he find me? Those were the questions he asked.”

She looked away from him; whether she was trying to remember or no longer willing to look at him, he didn’t know.

“So I explained that the Force allowed me to talk to a person who was important to me but was very far away. I told him we had been talking when the distance overwhelmed me and I exhausted myself. When he asked again how you found him, I told him I didn’t really know how you had managed it, just that I had told you about him and that that probably was part of it.

“I didn’t specifically lie to him, nor did I tell him the full truth. He knows that, but he doesn’t press me for information. He’s a smart kid. I think he _does_ trust me. We started working on shielding his mind better after it though. I don’t think you would be able to connect with him next time; he’s a fast learner and strong with the Force.”

She turned her expressionless eyes back to him. “I couldn’t leave him in the dark, not answering what he had every right to know. Is this enough of an explanation for you?”

He gawked at her. “I- I’m _important_ to you?”

Rey didn’t respond, merely looked past him.

“Did you really mean that?” he asked again.

“Bye, Ben.”

He could feel her breaking their connection and panicked. Not a second time! He would not allow his own stupidity to force her away from him a second time! He lunged towards her, wrapping both his arms around her lithe frame while he took their connection in a death grip.

“I’m sorry,” he exclaimed. She didn’t respond but stood limply in his arms. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I shouldn’t have doubted you; I should have known you would take precautions. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I do, I was just-” He swallowed his words. There was no way he had been afraid. The mere idea was preposterous, and the fact that he had been about to say it was merely for a lack of better words in his vocabulary. “I sent those children to you, didn’t I?” he said instead.

“You had no other place to send them.” Rey’s answer still sounded cold, but he could feel her body relax minutely in his arms.

“I trust you to take care of them, to teach them what you know. I trust you, Rey, but we both know the consequences if our bond is discovered. That it’s not a complete secret anymore makes me … uneasy.” It was the best he could do. Being uneasy was not a weakness, not really.

“He needed to know.”

“You are right.”

She tentatively wrapped her arms around him. “Any news about Ember?” she asked against his shoulder.

“Hmm?” He had been distracted by the feeling of having her in his arms and the scent of her hair. They had hugged before, but never for this long. He didn’t want to let go. Much to his displeasure, however, Rey took a step back.

“Any news about Ember?” she repeated.

“Ember?” He could tell she still wasn’t fully herself. It was as if she was missing a spark, or a light, within her. “Oh, Ember! No, nothing yet. I guess it will take some time for her to come to a decision. It goes against all of her training after all.”

Rey nodded vaguely. “I need to get going now,” she said.

The distant tone in her voice made his chest hurt. Kylo reached out and gently touched her face. “I really am sorry,” he said again, wondering why it was so easy for him to say it to her. “Please don’t shut me out.” He wouldn’t know what to do if she did. Probably something stupid like flying to the planet where the poisonous plant had come from in an attempt to find her.

She looked up at him. “I won’t. Bye, Ben.”

This time, he let her go. The entire situation made him uneasy. Dragging a hand through his hair, he cursed himself for being such an idiot. Figuring there wasn’t anything more he could do about it now, he stepped out of his room, intent on getting a full report of his ship’s status from the main deck.

As he walked out, it wasn’t Phasma waiting for him on the other side of the door but one of her Troopers. It happened more often now so he wasn’t surprised. Phasma had told him she trusted her Troopers well enough to guard him on a regular day.

Kylo looked at the engraving on his breastplate—TX 4431. It caused a slight discomfort, remembering that his Troopers had been raised in the system as well. With a frown, he studied the Trooper again.

“You’re wearing the new armour?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Any remarks?”

“I’m happy to be able to sit on the floor, sir.”

Kylo fought his laughter but couldn’t prevent his lips from twitching. “Well, if there is anything you would like to remark on the armour, report it to Phasma.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Where is she, anyway?”

“Don’t know, sir. She merely mentioned she would catch up with you in your office.”

Nodding, Kylo went on his way. The last report he received had stated they were running low on fuel and rations. Apart from the general report, he wanted to know why he hadn’t heard about any progress on this front. He had some generals and commanders to scare.

When he finally returned to his office, Phasma was waiting for him inside. She unceremoniously shoved a thick envelope into his hands.

“What’s this?”

“You forgot about him again, didn’t you?”

“Forgot about who?” He opened the envelope and pulled out paper after paper of handwritten text. “Oh, Hux. It seems he enjoyed himself with this.”

“He asked to be allowed to keep his writing utensils and paper. I granted him permission but will take it back on your order, sir.”

“As long as you can assure me that he won’t use it to communicate with others, I don’t see why he can’t spend his time writing.”

He sat himself down at his desk and started reading Hux’s essay about his future vision for the First Order.

“Have you read this?” Kylo asked Phasma.

“No, sir.”

He looked up at her. “Aren’t you at least a little bit curious?” She didn’t answer, merely stood guard next to the door. Kylo huffed out a breath. “You can admit it to me, you know. I promise it will not damage your reputation.”

She turned her head to look at him. He couldn’t see because of her mask, but he was pretty sure she was glaring at him.

“This is a masterfully failed attempt at sucking up to me,” he said. “Even the title is posh: _A Vision for a Unified First Order_.” He looked up as Phasma snorted.

“That sounds like him, alright,” she said.

“Listen to this,” Kylo continued. “The First Order must, above all, bring unity and order to the galaxy. As we provide a unified front, the galaxy will bow to the might of a system that provides it with the rules and guidelines to live by. When ruled by a strong hand, the First Order will not waver from its goals. It will have no weaknesses.

“The military will be vital to our success. Where there is obvious strength, there shall be little opposition. Soldiers must be trained to obey without question those who are in charge, for those will know best. As we expand our territories, training centers and military bases must be expanded for order’s sake.

“Trade will flourish under a Unified First Order. Without any opposition, goods will flow freely throughout the galaxy and bring riches to all. Taxes will have to be paid in order to maintain the peace the First Order provides. Merchants will not protest since they, as the smart citizens they are, will see the value of said peace.

“Opposition should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy. Those who cannot see the merits of our unified front are lacking in either common sense or perspective for the future. The First Order is not the oppressor as many propaganda still claims, but it’s a liberator from squabbles and uncertainty. Discontent is a poison that threatens our unity. Just as a cancer, it must be cut out for the whole to remain healthy. We will do so swiftly and without doubt or penance.

“The purity of our visions will bring peace and structure to the galaxy. With a strong leader at the front, there will be no more struggling or suffering. We will establish a galaxy where all will find happiness in knowing their rightful place.”

Kylo looked up to see Phasma had relaxed her stance and was looking at the papers in his hands. He dragged a hand through his hair and sat back in his seat. “What do you think?”

“Uhm…”

He laughed. “That does sum it up nicely.”

Phasma grumbled. “I agree with you, sir; this was an attempt to suck up to you. However, I do not believe he outright lied anywhere. If I’m correct, he toned some things down and played some things up in order to get a more favourable outcome.”

“I get the same impression.” He sighed. “I had hoped to glean whether or not I could use him.”

“He’s likely to sow discord again, sir, despite his fear of you.”

“Indeed.” He looked around his office. It was overflowing with reports, documents that needed signing, and decisions that needed to be made. He regretted the day he decided to become more involved in the runnings of the First Order. “How about administrative work?”

“Sir?”

Kylo got up and gathered some reports of minor importance. “Go tell him that he’s not going anywhere for the time being,” he ordered Phasma. “If he’s bored, however, and wants to get in my good graces, he can make summaries of these damned reports so I don’t have to read them. If, at any point, we detect foul play and the summaries don’t match the contents,” he looked up and grinned while handing Phasma the pile of reports, “I won’t hesitate to pay him a visit.”

She accepted the documents. “Yes, sir. I’m sure he will be delighted with the news.”

Kylo smiled at her tone of voice. When she turned to leave he stopped her.

“Phasma, wait, one more thing.”

“Sir?”

“Your team of Troopers, how many are there?”

“ _Your_ protection guard counts 25 Troopers, sir, not counting myself.”

“Right.” He paused, unsure about what he was about to say. “Would they like to have names?”

“Sir?” Phasma asked, sounding surprised. “If you were to give them names, they would accept them.”

“No, would they like to have them? Not assigned to them, but chosen by themselves?”

“I honestly don’t know, sir. Many of them know nothing other than the code they’ve used their entire lives. I’m not sure they would know any names to choose from.”

“That’s…” Words fell short to explain how he felt about that.

“I’ll inquire about it, sir.”

He frowned. “Yes, please do. It’s their choice, though, not an order.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll make sure they’ll understand.”

She saluted with her free hand and left. Sighing, Kylo again settled himself behind his desk. Paperwork. He hated paperwork.

 


	24. Finding a Broken Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta! 
> 
> Apologies for the delayed posting.

A week went by. Rey hardly contacted him or responded to his attempts to contact her. When they did speak, her voice was flat. She still smiled at him, but it didn’t seem genuine, even to him. It worried him immensely. He had tried to apologise again, but she’d merely thrown him one of those bleak smiles and had changed the subject.

Part of him wondered if she simply didn’t like him anymore, and part of him wondered if she ever truly had; perhaps it was all a ruse? Another part was hitting himself upside the head for not trusting her more, and another part was desperately trying to figure out how to solve her cold attitude towards him.

Phasma had been eying him all week but had kept silent. Eventually, he caught her muttering something under her breath.

“What did you say?”

She looked at him and hesitated. Then, her stance relaxed as she shrugged her shoulders. “At least this time you’re not acting like a black hole.” He glared at her but she seemed unperturbed. “What happened?” she asked.

“Not here,” he answered, heading for his office. Once there, he summarised how he’d questioned Rey and how she’d been behaving ever since. “I don’t know how to solve this,” he ended his story, dragging his hand through his hair.

“If it’s any consolation, sir, I would probably have reacted the same.”

“Then why is she still acting this way?”

Phasma shrugged again. “Don’t know, sir. Perhaps you scared her.”

“She’s seen worse behaviour from me.”

“No doubt. I wasn’t talking about your behaviour towards her; though, perhaps she’s realised the danger in your connection.”

He dragged his hand through his hair again, mulling over Phasma’s words. “Either way,” he said, “I still don’t know how to fix this.”

“Teach her something new.”

Kylo looked up. “I doubt she’ll want to risk a Force connection strong enough to teach her how to use it, not right now.”

“Then teach her how to fight.”

“Actually, that could-”

The door hissed open, causing both Phasma and Kylo to reach for their weapons. Ember strode into the room, not bothered in the slightest by the defensive positions of the people inside.

She glanced at Phasma and made a sharp move with her head. “You, out.”

Phasma tensed and looked at him.

“Phasma, if you could wait outside,” he said. He knew she would understand.

As soon as the door closed, Ember spoke. “Where would you train us?”

He looked at her proud bearing and her slightly narrowed eyes. Had she come to a decision?

“You and I would train here, for convenience. If there are others who agree, I would use the base I had built for the children. It’s fully equipped after all.” Ember stayed silent, staring at him. “We could go pay it a visit, if you’d prefer that,” he continued.

“I don’t like it.”

“The facility?”

“You going inside my head.”

Kylo worried his lips, not really knowing how to answer. Honesty, he reminded himself, was what Rey had told him to do. He sighed and decided to do just that.

“I wouldn’t like it either, but it’s the only way I know of.”

“Would I be able to fight you off?”

“No,” he answered, “and trying it would definitely hurt.” He hated how this seemed to discourage her, but he really saw no point in lying. “I can only give you my word not to pry and to retreat whenever you tell me to.”

“I still have no reason to trust you.”

“If the fate of the children isn’t enough, then no, you don’t.”

There was a moment of silence where they both studied the other. Kylo tensed as Ember seemed to come to a conclusion.

“Do it now.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

He stared at her. He hadn’t prepared, hadn’t done anything. She wanted to do it _now_? At that very instance? He dragged his hand through his hair a third time and realised that there was no possible way to prepare for what he was about to attempt; there was no precedent to start from.

“Not here,” he eventually said. “We don’t know what will happen if you _do_ get back in touch with the Force. I’d rather try in a training room.” He let out a sigh. “Come on.”

Phasma fell into step beside him as soon as he exited his office—forcing Ember to trail behind them.

“Sir?” Phasma questioned.

“She said ‘yes’ on the condition we try it now.”

Ember grumbled while Phasma inhaled sharply. “Now?”

“No use in postponing it,” Ember commented. “Got a problem with it?”

Phasma ignored her. He glanced over his shoulder—half intending to berate the Knight—and only then noticed four of his Troopers following them. He shook his head and forgave Ember her prickliness. It was obvious Phasma didn’t trust her, not one bit.

As they arrived at one of the training rooms, he opened the door for Ember before turning towards Phasma. “You and your Troopers stay outside,” he ordered. “No matter what you hear, you will not enter this room.”

“Sir!”

Phasma sounded scandalised, protest obvious in her voice. Kylo narrowed his eyes. She might be his friend, and he may have given her some leeway in her attitude towards him, but there was no way he would allow disobedience or questioning of direct orders.

“You will do as you’re told, commander Phasma,” he barked. From the corner of his eye he could see Ember smirking. Kylo inwardly sighed at the obvious animosity between both women.

Phasma saluted, her back ramrod straight. “Yes, sir! Apologies, sir!”

He took a deep breath. “I cannot predict what will happen. These orders are for your own safety. Nobody is to enter.”

Without waiting for an answer, he marched into the room, the door hissing closed behind him. Looking around the room he considered how best to approach the situation.

“Settle yourself in the middle of the sparring ground,” he finally decided. “Make sure you can sit comfortably for a lengthy period of time.”

Much to his surprise, Ember started shedding some of her uniform. When she was wearing only her bodysuit and a long tunic, she sat down cross-legged on the floor of the sparring ring. Taking off only his gloves, Kylo joined her. Sitting down in front of her, he was reminded of the times he’d sat in the same position with Rey. He pushed the memories down; now was not the time to ponder that specific problem.

“Okay,” he said. “I will touch your temples to make the connection easier to hold and less abrasive for you. It is important you don’t fight me. It’s an instinctual reaction, but don’t; it will only hurt you since it will give me no other choice but to use force to uphold the connection.”

He paused to watch Ember. Her face was stoic but her eyes revealed some of her apprehension. She gave him a curt nod.

“I promise on my honour that I will only search for the Force and will not rifle through any memories. However, it seems likely that in this search I’ll come into contact with the time when you lost your connection. Whatever I view, it will not be for my entertainment.”

Again he paused and again Ember nodded, albeit with a grim expression on her face.

“As I said before, I cannot guarantee this will be without discomfort or pain. If, at any time, you wish to end the connection, merely say ‘stop’ and I will pull back as quickly as I can without damaging your brain. Depending on how deep I’ve gone, this might take a couple of seconds.”

Ember nodded again.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s begin.”

He reached up and placed his fingers to the Knight’s temples. As he established the connection, the first thing he thought was that she had chosen her name well; her mind felt like a fire that was no longer blazing but not yet dead either. As if something as little as a breeze could suddenly ignite it to roaring heights.

Ember twitched under his fingers and he could feel her effort to stay calm. He gave her a moment to get used to the connection before he started searching. As he waited, he realised he had absolutely no idea what to do next.

Unlike with Rey—who practically vibrated with the Force—he couldn’t detect the Force at all. There wasn’t even an inkling of a connection that once might have been. The only thing he could think of doing was casting out a net to see if something, anything, would react. It was like stretching his own awareness in the grey area around and between memories.

To guide himself—and in the hopes it would trigger something within Ember—he started lecturing.

“The Force is everything and nothing; it’s the energy that connects us all yet it has no sentience of its own. Even though you’ve broken your connection with it, it will not have left you. It is as much a part of you as your character, your thoughts, the blood that runs in your veins.”

He did his best to ignore the flashes of memories that passed his inner eye. They were not what he was looking for.

“There will always be balance in the Force; where Darkness rises, there will be Light to meet it, and vice versa,” he continued. “Those with a connection can use this Force at will, yet you will never truly own it since it belongs to all. It runs through every living being and is part of the fabric of the galaxy.”

A fragment of a memory caught his attention and he focused on it. Ember grumbled but allowed it. The memory showed her as a younger child, perhaps five years old, wearing the dull uniform he had come to know at the different bases. Her brow was bunched up in concentration even though she was smiling at the rock levitating in front of her. Kylo could hear Ember the adult gasp.

“Do you remember the feeling of the Force?” he asked.

“I do now,” Ember muttered under her breath.

Kylo nearly laughed but he bit on the inside of his cheek to prevent it; he figured Ember would not appreciate his mirth.

“Can you remember how you lost your connection?”

“It was … a gradual thing,” she answered thoughtfully.

“Okay, can you remember the last time you felt any connection with it?”

There was a moment of silence and he could feel her mind racing, searching for the answer to his question. He kept his focus on the memory of the child so he wouldn’t interfere or see things he wasn’t privy to.

“I can,” Ember eventually said, her voice turned grim and full of steel.

Kylo took a fortifying breath. “I need you to show me that memory.” A threatening growl rippled through the Knight and he quickly continued talking. “I can hazard a well educated guess to where it would lead. I’m sorry, but I need the breaking point in order to knit it back together.”

At least, he hoped it would work. He knew she had come to the same conclusion as suspicion, doubt, and a strange form of determination and resignation flitted through her mental landscape. Without any warning, the image of the young child disappeared and was replaced by a totally different scene.

Kylo swallowed as he realised he was standing in one of the isolation cells of Base Z. A bruised and bloodied child was sitting in a corner, arms wrapped around her knees, head bent, and shivering in the cold. He did his best to ignore the child’s nakedness—as a courtesy to the woman sitting in front of him. When the child looked up, he flinched.

“No more,” the younger Ember whispered.

He guessed she was about 12 in the memory. Her eyes were burning with an intensity even Kylo found difficult to bear.

“No more,” the child said again, baring her teeth at an unseen opponent.

And just like that, the fire in her eyes died and they turned into the cold, blank eyes he had seen so many times in adult Ember’s face. Kylo knew, without a doubt, that at that moment, Ember had forcefully disconnected with the Force.

“What to do now?” he asked himself.

Looking around the room, he neither saw nor felt any manifestation of the Force—none but child Ember’s eyes. He loathed to get closer to the pained, bruised, naked child, but he felt like those eyes were the key.

“I need you to restart the memory,” he murmured.

With a sigh, Ember obeyed. As the image of the shivering child with her head on her knees returned, he moved to crouch in front of her. The moment the child looked up with those burning eyes, Kylo reached out and touched the child’s temples.

 


	25. Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

He almost shouted as he got sucked into what felt like a void. Time had no meaning. Space had no meaning. Colours swirled around him—strands tinged blood red and midnight black amongst dark blues and vibrant greens. Stars twinkled. The sun shone together with a moon, yet no light seemed to truly reach him. The non-world tumbled around him and he lost all sense of direction.

Kylo fought not to panic—a sensation he hadn’t felt for a long time. He didn’t know where he was, where Ember was, nor how to get back to her mind, let alone his. He was in over his head. Where was he?

He felt stretched and compressed, like a cloth of fabric. The sensation repeated, then solely became a feeling of stretching. Tenseness started to build as he felt like a limit was reached, as if his limbs were being pulled in all directions.

Trying to focus on his surroundings instead of his discomfort, he watched with consternation as the formerly swirling strands straightened out in front of him. A sound started piercing the void. He hadn’t even noticed that sound had been absent. As it grew in intensity—along with the pain the stretching caused him—he quickly tried to cover his ears but found that he couldn’t.

He must have shouted. He knew he must have shouted if the roughness in his throat was any indication, yet he hadn’t heard himself. Then, the sound around him started changing. It turned into that of ripping of cloth.

With wide eyes, he focussed back on the strands and, to his horror, one by one, they started tearing apart, fraying at the separated ends. They all tore, they all broke, until the sound suddenly disappeared and the tension on his body melted away. Everything around him turned dark and muted.

It all felt _wrong._

He didn’t know how he did it, nor was he even sure that he moved, but he reached out and took hold of the strands. They burned and sizzled—much like electricity—but they didn’t truly hurt him. Using all the strength he possessed and allowing the Force to guide him, he once more joined the frayed strands together.

A massive _boom_ vibrated through him; the accompanying shockwave violently threw him back into darkness. With a feeling as if slamming into a wall, he returned to his own body.

Weapons in the room were rattling in their stands. Another shockwave rippled through the room and shattered droids and equipment alike. He snapped his head up and froze. Ember was staring at him, the burning he had seen in the child’s eyes returned in full force. Somehow, he thought she didn’t see him at all. Shockwave after shockwave left her body, yet she remained still as a statue.

The static that was building in the air intensified the headache he’d developed due to the forceful way their connection had broken. The sound he’d heard in that void started assaulting his ears again. Kylo realised the situation was fast tumbling out of control.

“Ember,” he said. “Ember!” She blinked, once. He figured it was better than nothing. “Let it flow freely; don’t try to contain it.” She bared her teeth. “Remember, it is a part of you! Don’t treat it like an enemy!”

Her hands twitched and he took a risk. Grabbing them with his, he reached out for her again. “Let it flow into me,” he commanded.

The strength of the energy that flowed into him had him grit his teeth. He focussed on his meditation techniques, focussed on allowing the Force to take its own course. There was no telling how long they sat like that, how long he served as a conduit, but eventually, the onslaught of energy lessened. When he finally let go of Ember’s hands, the woman promptly fainted.

“BEN!”

Feeling rather exhausted, he looked up just in time to see a tear-streaked Rey throw herself at him. She all but fell on her knees next to him and threw her arms around his shoulders.

“You’re okay! You’re okay.” She shot up and patted him down, before wrapping herself around him again. “The bond started behaving weirdly. I didn’t know what was happening. It was like, fluctuating or something. And then you were gone. You were gone! I couldn’t reach you anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach you. You were gone! And then the Force all but freaked. What happened? I thought you were dead. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have been mad at you. You were right, okay? Are you really okay? I shouldn’t have been mad. Please don’t leave. I couldn’t reach you.”

“Rey,” he interrupted her rambling after a moment of shocked silence. He lifted the arm furthest away from her—noting with some humour that she couldn’t quite reach all the way around his shoulders—and put his hand on her bicep. “Rey, I’m okay.”

She lifted her head from his shoulder. “Really?” she asked with a small voice.

He pulled at her arm in an attempt to be able to wipe her tears. She inadvertently ended up in his lap but he was too tired to care. He brushed his thumbs over her cheeks and then wrapped his arms around her.

“Yes,” he answered her, “I’m okay.”

“What happened?” she mumbled against his chest.

“I managed to reconnect Ember with the Force. At least, I think.” He glanced at the unconscious woman in front of him. He knew he should get her taken care of but he wanted to explain to Rey first.

“Why didn’t you warn me?”

“There wasn’t any time,” he answered.

“Is she okay as well?”

“I’m not sure.”

He tried to focus his muddled mind to show Rey his surroundings. She lifted her head slightly to look around the wrecked room. “What-” She spotted Ember. “Oh! What _happened?_ You should get a droid or someone else to look at her.”

“Right,” he said, turning to regard the door. “Phasma!”

Immediately, the door hissed open. After all that happened, Kylo wasn’t at all surprised to know she had been waiting with her hand on the button. Phasma spotted him in what must have been a weird position to sit in, and she immediately held back the other Troopers that wanted to enter the room.

Kylo nodded at Ember. “Get her looked after. I think it was a success. Don’t allow her to wake until I’m present. This,” he vaguely gestured around the room, “might happen again.”

“Yes, sir!” She hesitated for a moment. “And you, sir?” Phasma finally asked.

“Fine. Tired, but fine.”

As Phasma started dealing out orders and summoning droids, Rey shifted in his lap.

“You should go sleep,” she said.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” he answered.

“Yes, but it- it can wait.” She pushed herself up so she could look at him. “You’re tired; you should go sleep.”

He looked at her. He could see she was being honest, but there was something else there too.

“Are you sure?”

“Just-” She bit her lip and looked away. “Just don’t leave me.”

Kylo pulled her close again. “I won’t, I promise,” he murmured. He rose to stand, easily lifting Rey with him before putting her on her feet. “I’ll explain it all later, okay?”

She smiled at him and nodded. Noticing the droids entering the room, he merely returned her smile before turning to walk away. Phasma quickly barked to her Troopers to deal with Ember before following him through the hallways.

“Sir,” Phasma ventured. “Why was _she_ there? If you don’t mind me asking?”

It was obvious to him that she was testing the waters, knowing full well she’d crossed a line earlier—how long ago was it?

“Our connection acted up and she couldn’t reach me. She wanted to make sure everything was okay,” he answered.

Even though he was talking to Phasma, he felt reluctant to share more about how Rey had reacted to his sudden disappearance. Luckily, the woman didn’t ask any further. When he stepped into his quarters—leaving the commander to guard the door—he immediately noticed Rey sitting on his bed.

“Why are you here?” he asked, confused.

“I’m sorry. I- I should leave. I’m sorry.”

“No. And stop saying that. I just thought the explanation could wait.”

“No. Yes. No. I’m not here for… It can wait. I just- It’s just-”

He stared at her, wondering how it was possible that his disappearance had affected her so. He knew she feared people leaving her, and even though he also knew she considered herself his friend, he couldn’t be _that_ important to her.

“You can stay, if you like,” he merely said.

Feeling like he would topple over if he didn’t get to bed soon, he stripped until he was only wearing his trousers. Rey darted out of the way as he climbed into bed. With a sluggish movement, he padded the bedding beside him.

“Just lay down, Rey; no use in you standing in the middle of the room.”

His eyes drooped close, but he could hear her hesitant steps before the mattress dipped slightly.

“Can I-” she swallowed, her voice sounding really small. “Can I hold your hand?”

He blindly reached out, hardly aware of her smaller hand landing on top of it as her fingers entwined with his. ‘Sleep well, Ben,’ was the last thing he heard before oblivion took him under.

He woke up slowly, drowsily, as if he had to drag himself out of a hole filled with slurping, unwilling to let go, mud. As he moved to rub his eyes, Rey’s hand clasped tighter around his. Surprised she was still there, he blinked and opened his eyes fully. The sight next to him made him smile.

Rey was curled up on her side, fast asleep. One hand was tucked under her cheek while the other was still tightly holding onto his. It seemed so small in comparison to his own hand. A glance at the timepiece next to the door told him he had been asleep for a good two hours.

Kylo wondered exactly how much he had scared Rey for her to refuse to leave him for so long—going as far as falling asleep next to him and staying connected through it. He felt the intense urge to hug her, but he didn’t want to spook her. Instead, he contented himself with looking at her sleeping face. She looked so harmless.

He frowned as she started twitching and mumbling in her sleep. For the longest time he didn’t know what to do in response to her unintelligible words, until finally he could understand her.

“Ben? Ben? Ben?” Her voice grew more panicked with every repeat of his name.

“I’m here, Rey. I’m here,” he tried to reassure her. He wished he had his hand free so he could touch her face, rub away the frown that was forming. “I’m not going anywhere,” he continued, noticing she wasn’t calming.

Much to his relief, her eyes fluttered and opened an instant later.

“Ben?” she asked sleepily.

“Yes.”

“You’re still here.”

“So are you.”

 


	26. Growing Relations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Her eyes grew wide at his words and she started blushing. “Yes, yes, I am. Force, uhm, sorry?” She pulled her hand away. “I guess I should go now? I don’t want to be needy or anything.”

“Stop!” he commanded as she moved to leave the bed, at the same time stretching out his freed hand and placing it on her waist. “Would you stop apologising for being here?” he continued, humour in his voice.

Rey ducked her head in what he assumed was further embarrassment. He was acutely aware of the position of his hand. Unthinkingly, he moved his thumb to rub along her ribs and watched as Rey closed her eyes in response.

Trying to get more comfortable, he scooted closer to her. He was surprised when she did the same, effectively causing his arm to slide around her to her back.

“I thought you wanted an explanation of what happened?” he said softly, trying to cover up his sudden sense of awkwardness. Where was he to put his hand?

Her eyes snapped open and he saw a mingle of emotions in them—curiosity, sadness, and something else, something he couldn’t name.

“Well, yes!” she exclaimed, curiosity and excitement winning over the sadness. “How did you do it?”

“I’m not entirely sure.” She scowled at him and he laughed. “I’m really not; it was weird, as if I went _inside_ the Force.”

“What? How’s that even possible?”

He shrugged in response.

“Do you think you can show me how you did it?”

“Uhm…” He worried his lips. “I will explain to you what happened up to the moment it turned strange. I won’t show you memories of what happened before; I had to go through some very personal memories of Ember to get there. Everything after I can show you.”

“Oh. Okay, I understand.”

He wasn’t entirely sure he believed her, but she sent him another smile so he didn’t ask.

“Now spill!” Rey commanded.

With a smile, he did just that. Rey stared at him the entire time, her eyes alight with curiosity and wonder. When he finally met them to share the memory of how he’d reconnected Ember to the Force, he felt a shiver run down his spine. With a start, he realised he felt secure laying next to her on his bed. It was as if the world outside his rooms didn’t even exist.

His fingers started tracing patterns on her back as Rey instinctively covered her ears against the piercing sound in the memory. He ended the memory the moment the first shockwave threw him out of Ember’s mind. Rey gasped and stared at him, looking shocked and scared. He pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead, then fought the urge to run from embarrassment.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “It didn’t hurt me, only drained my energy. Next time, I’ll be more prepared.”

“Next time?”

“I’m hoping Ember can convince the other Knights and I’m guessing the experience will be similar with them.”

“Just let me know, next time, that you’re going to do it? You scared me.”

“I know, and I will.” He let out a sigh. “Speaking of Ember, I really should go check on her. They’re keeping her sedated until I’m there to deal with any possible backlash when she wakes up.”

“You think something will happen?”

“No, I don’t, but I’d rather not risk it.”

Rey hummed in agreement. “How are you going to explain the destruction in the training room?”

“Well,” he answered, giving her a crooked smile, “people have told me I have a rather volatile temper.”

He felt immensely proud as Rey started laughing, the sound bringing joy to his heart. It made him hope that his behaviour concerning Temiri had been forgiven.

“You go check up on Ember; I should be getting back to the kids. I probably scared them as well.” She sighed. “I’ll figure something out to tell them, if Temiri hasn’t offered them some sort of lie already.” Rey looked up at him. “I really hope you can meet him one day. The kid is too smart for his own good, but I do fear he’s missing out on his childhood, the way he takes care of the rest of them.”

“How are the Base Z children doing?”

“Surprisingly good, actually. They’re loosening up,” Rey answered with a beaming smile. “Sirena has settled in quite nicely as well. She seems to be genuinely happy to be amongst those kids. She has started smiling more.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

He moved to sit up, causing his hand to rest on her hip. Rey quickly followed his example.

“Ben?” she asked in a small voice.

“Yes?” he answered, squeezing her hip slightly in encouragement.

“Can I come see you again tonight?”

“Of course.” He wanted to hug her again. She seemed so vulnerable. “You can even sleep in my bed again,” he continued with a wink.

She smiled at him. “I’ll leave you to it then. Bye, Ben.”

After he watched her disappear, he took a short shower before heading out.

“Are you feeling better, sir?” Phasma asked as soon as he appeared.

“Yes,” he answered.

“And is _she_ okay as well?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but she will be.” He stopped walking and turned to Phasma. “You’re awfully interested.”

“Sir!” She saluted.

Kylo looked at her for a while then rolled his eyes. “You’re as bad as I am,” he murmured before clearing his throat and walking on. “Consider the apology accepted,” he said.

“Sir!” she answered again.

He could hear the gratitude and relief in her voice. His lips twitched and he felt gratitude for knowing his regard had such meaning to her.

“What med bay is Ember in?”

“I had her moved to the one with the highest security level, sir.”

He barked a laugh. “You moved her to my own personal med bay?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So that any damage can be explained away by another temper tantrum?”

“Uhm…”

Kylo laughed again. “I’m sure having a bad day, it seems.”

“So it would seem, indeed, sir,” she answered with mirth.

They walked on in silence until they arrived at their destination. The Troopers in attendance saluted and immediately reported that there had been no disturbances. Kylo nodded at them and entered the med bay, closely followed by Phasma.

Ember was still wearing her bodysuit and tunic. A breathing mask rested over her nose and mouth, and a patch on her wrist checked her vitals. Seeing such a strong woman completely defenseless made him feel uneasy. This was Ember, the woman who had attacked him in his office and who didn’t care about being abrasive. She was not supposed to be lying still on a medical bed.

Shaking off his disquiet, he turned to the med droid and demanded a full report. It informed him that there was nothing wrong with Ember besides exhaustion. She was being kept sedated but would wake up within minutes when the anti-sedative was given.

Kylo ordered the droid to wake Ember up before turning to Phasma. “Again, I don’t know what will happen. Wait outside and do not come in.”

“Sir!” She hesitated at the door. “Will she be okay, sir?”

He looked at her, surprised. “I thought you didn’t like her?”

“I don’t trust her, sir, and I doubt we’ll ever be friends, but I don’t wish her harm either.”

“I think she’ll be fine. This is merely a precaution.”

Phasma nodded and left. A beep from the droid told him the anti-sedative had been given. Kylo breathed deeply and reached out for the Force. He didn’t touch it yet—fearing it would trigger Ember—but kept it within easy reach.

He watched as Ember started twitching and then slowly opened her eyes. She rose her hands to her head and squeezed her eyes shut again.

“Headache?”

She shot up and turned towards him, then started swaying. Kylo quickly took hold of her elbow to steady her.

“Easy, now,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

“Headache is an understatement,” she murmured.

Worrying his lips as not to laugh, he gestured to the droid to bring some medicine. Ember gratefully accepted. A couple minutes later, she visibly relaxed. Kylo gasped as she looked at him.

“What?”

“Your eyes.”

“What’s with my eyes?”

“There’s a mirror in the corner; do you think you can walk there?”

She scoffed. “I’m not an invalid!”

Still grumbling, she slid off the bed and made her way towards the mirror. Kylo followed suit and watched the shock on Ember’s face as she noticed how her former, dull eyes had turned into a vibrant, hazel brown. It was stunning to see how they seemed to glow from within, much like her name and the feeling of her mind.

She turned her stunned expression towards him. “How?”

“No idea.”

“How can you not know?”

“For as far as I know, you’re the first who’s lost and then reconnected with the Force.”

“I have the Force now?”

“You should, yes. Please refrain from reaching for it,” he quickly added as he saw her close her eyes. “We don’t want another uncontrolled outburst. We’ll work on it. If you want to know for certain, I can easily determine it if you allow me to touch your mind again.”

She frowned at him, then nodded. Kylo reached out with one hand to briefly touch her temple. He was astounded by the difference within her mind. It felt like a dried-out flower that had come back to life after being given water; it was still the same flower, but more vibrant, with more colours and depth.

He smiled at her. “You’re reconnected, alright.”

Ember looked at him, a strange expression in those newly burning eyes. Suddenly, she dropped to one knee, her fist bumping her heart and her head bent.

“My allegiance lies with you, Supreme Leader. For you I shall fight and lay down my life. Command me and I shall follow.”

Startled, it took him a while to come up with a proper response. When he finally did, he made sure to put gravity into his words.

“Ember of Ren, your fealty is accepted and will be honoured. Now rise.”

If he was honest with himself, the sudden pledge of loyalty made him feel out of his depth. He was glad to see Ember rise to her feet and move to put on the rest of her armour—which had been placed on a stool near her bed.

“So,” she said once fully dressed, “when do we start?”

Kylo barked a laugh at her words and ill-concealed eagerness. “We can start now, if you want; I’ve got some time to spare. Let’s head to a training room, one we didn’t wreck.”

“Wreck?”

He raised an eyebrow. “How much do you remember?”

“I remember you looking at my memories and asking me to restart the last one. Then, uhm-” She fell silent for a bit, tilting her head in an obvious attempt to recall her memory. “It gets confusing after that. I remember an awful sound, then a feeling as if an electric current was running through my body, then nothing.”

“In that case, we’ll go visit the training room first. Hopefully they haven’t cleaned up yet and you get to see why you shouldn’t reach out for the Force without some guidance first.”

“That bad?”

“That bad.”

He led her out of the med bay and then watched with amusement as Phasma narrowed her eyes, glanced from him to Ember, and then did a double take at seeing Ember’s face.

“Have any reparations been made to the training room yet?” he asked to prevent any comments. Now that Ember had pledged fealty, he figured he had to make sure the two women got along.

“Not yet, sir, in case you wanted a closer inspection of what happened.”

“Good.” He nodded. “We’ll go take a look now.”

They marched off. Upon arrival, Kylo motioned for Ember to open the door. The knight stood stock still, eyes wide, as the door hissed open and the carnage behind it was revealed. After a prod from Kylo, she took a few hesitant steps inside.

“I see…” she finally said. “I’ll heed your words.”

Kylo merely nodded in response.


	27. Nutrition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

“You’re telling me that Force training consists of sitting on my ass and doing nothing?”

Kylo snorted, trying hard not to fully burst out laughing. “Crudely put, yes.”

“I thought I would be levitating things, at the least!”

“No.”

“What do you mean? No? You’re not going to teach me that?”

He sighed at the sudden mistrust in her voice. “Not yet, Ember, not yet. Eventually, yes, but first you need to get to know the Force, recognise it, learn it, before you can try to control it.”

She huffed at him. Apart from the change in her eyes, Kylo was most surprised in Ember’s change of behaviour. She was still brutal, obstinate, rude, and arrogant, but she seemed to have let go of her neutral mask. He wondered if it was a result of her reconnection, or of her pledged loyalty. Fear of her reverting to her old, stoic visage prevented him from asking.

He vaguely gestured to the pillows on the floor. “Sit,” he ordered.

With an absolute ‘you have got to be kidding me’ air around her, she sunk down on a pillow. Kylo took the one opposite her.

“Cross your legs,” he instructed, “and loosely lay your hands on your knees. Yes, like that. Now, close your eyes.”

“I hope your guard dog protects this room well enough,” Ember grumbled before closing her eyes. Kylo could obviously see how uncomfortable it made her.

“She is capable, and not my guard dog,” he answered her. “I would appreciate it if you refrained from insulting commander Phasma.”

He didn’t suggest to trust him instead of Phasma; he doubted it would help. Ember shrugged and settled down.

“Now, focus on your breathing.”

“My _breathing?_ ”

“Ember of Ren!” he barked, getting fed up with her questioning his every instruction.

“Sir!”

He took her single-word response as a good sign, if only for his own sanity.

“Focus on your breathing; breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth.” He watched her as she took a couple of deep breaths. “Now, feel the world around you, feel its energy, feel your connection to it, but don’t reach for it. Just let it flow through you and feel.”

He could have sworn he could see her roll her eyes behind her closed lids, but decided not to comment on it. For someone as practical as Ember, he could understand how weird this all seemed. Besides, he suddenly realised he had no idea how to deal with the Dark vs Light question that would most definitely come up. Could he even still count himself as purely Dark?

The question made his head hurt, so he refocused on Ember. “What do you feel?”

“I’m not sure…”

“Do you remember what I said earlier today? About the Force?”

“Vaguely.”

“The Force is everything and nothing. It connects us all, runs through us, but has no sentience. Some beings are more in tune with this Force and can sense it; some of them—like you and me—can bend it to our own will.”

Ember nodded slowly, as if not entirely understanding what he was saying but not willing to admit it. He took that as a good sign as well.

“Try putting what you feel into words.”

Ember opened her mouth, frowned, then closed it and gnashed her teeth, a stubborn look on her face. Taking advantage of the fact her eyes were still closed, he smirked and shook his head.

“You won’t sound silly,” he said. “Neither will anything of what you say leave this room.” He was starting to dislike how much he was having to keep secret from Rey, but he understood it was the only way.

She grumbled under her breath before finally starting to talk. “It’s weird. Electricity? But not? It’s like life and death wrapped up in one. Both growth and decay? This doesn’t make any sense. How can it be everything?”

“That’s exactly what it is,” Kylo said with a smile. “Don’t try to understand it rationally but try to understand it by feeling it.” He stood. “I’ll leave you to it then; let me know once you understand. Don’t worry if it takes you a long time.”

Ember’s eyes flashed open. “You’re leaving?”

“Keep on meditating; you’ll figure it out. Don’t wear yourself out though; short periods of mediation at a time until you get used to it. Good luck.”

He could feel her eyes on his back as he walked out of the room. He stopped at the door. “I’ll leave two of my Troopers to guard the door so nobody comes in. Now get back to your breathing.”

“Sir!”

He marveled about how she managed to respectfully promise revenge by saying only one word.

Stepping out of the room, he summoned two of his Troopers to stand guard before he left. He felt tired and hungry. Phasma followed him, glancing between him and the room they were leaving.

“Is everything okay, sir?”

“Yes. She can train on her own.”

“Are you going to summon other Knights, sir?”

“Not yet. I want Ember to have control over the Force first, so she can show them I’m not trying to trick them. The facility will need to be prepared as well. I need to check up on the reparations of the communications center.”

Phasma nodded. “Where are we going, sir?”

“To the mess in search of some food; I’m hungry…” His sentence dragged out into an almost question as a thought hit him. “Food…”

“Sir?”

“Hush,” he answered distracted. “I’m thinking about food.”

“Uhm, o-kay?”

Kylo ignored Phasma’s bewildered tone of voice. Perhaps. Perhaps it would work. He quickened his pace.

“Sir, the Imperial mess is the other way,” Phasma hesitantly said when he turned a left instead of going right.

“We’re going to the Trooper’s mess.”

“What?”

He wondered vaguely why his statement caused an edge of panic to creep into Phasma’s words, but dismissed it in favour of the plan that was taking form in his head.

“I need to see what they eat.”

Without so much as a small warning or an announcement, he burst into the Trooper’s mess, only vaguely aware of the present Troopers jumping to their feet in utter bewilderment, some cursing along the way. He didn’t acknowledge them as he strode to the kitchen at the back. Behind him, Phasma stuttered to a halt, turned to the Troopers and gave them a quick ‘at ease’, before hurrying after him.

“Sir? May I ask what this is about?”

Kylo studied the buffet. The food was simple, but hearty and obviously nutritious. He narrowed his eyes in thought and looked at the server in front of him. The man was quivering, his eyes wide.

“I need the nutritional value of this food,” Kylo ordered, “per serving.”

The man’s eyes darted between him and Phasma.

“Don’t you recognise your Supreme Leader?” Phasma barked. “Do as he says!”

Kylo glanced sideways at Phasma and she shrugged, as if saying ‘I can have my fun too’. He shook his head with mirth and waited for the kitchen aid to return. When he did, he was followed by another, larger man.

“I, uhm- This, uhm-”

The second man took pity. “Supreme Leader,” he greeted with a fist to his heart. “I’m Rost, head of the kitchen staff here in the Trooper’s mess. Ely here told me you asked after nutritional values? Perhaps we shall continue this in my office?”

“Very well.”

They followed Rost into the kitchen, where the staff stared at them with wide eyes. A door on the right led into a small office.

“Would you prefer the nutritional value of each item on the menu, or of an overall meal, sir?”

“I would like to get an overview of what my Troopers have been eating and the average value of each mealtime.”

“Very well, sir. Shall I give you estimates now, or would you prefer a detailed report?”

There was something about the man that made alarm-bells go off in Kylo’s head. Without warning, he reached out and touched the man’s temple, diving into his mind. He found a mixture of contradicting thoughts.

‘Finally he cares.’

‘Probably wants to know how he can push these poor sods even further.’

‘What does he even know?’

‘Afraid I would let them starve? Or that they’re getting the same fare as you do?’

‘Some of these Troopers arrive here looking starved.’

Pulling back, Kylo grimaced. “Interesting thoughts you have there.”

“Sir!” The man was quick to fall to his knees. “I mean no disrespect! I take pride in my job; that’s all there is to it.”

“Shall I prepare a cell, sir?” Phasma asked out of the blue, causing the chef to pale significantly.

Kylo could appreciate how in-tune she was to him. However, he kept his face completely neutral.

“Not yet,” he commented before turning back to the cowering man. “What was that about Troopers looking starved?”

“Sir! I mean no disrespect; I truly don’t!”

“Answer the question!” Phasma barked.

“Some- Some of the newer additions, sir. That’s what I meant. They arrive here with not enough flesh on their bones, looking rather unhealthy. I make sure they get an extra portion, sir; please forgive me.”

Kylo contemplated him. It seemed—just like he’d discovered with Sirena—that his heart was in the right place.

“You’ll make a full report, with an addition.”

“Sir! Yes, sir!”

“I want you to, to the best of your abilities, make a prognosis of the optimal nutrition for Troopers in training, starting from the age of six.”

“Sir! Yes, sir!” There was a pause before the man glanced up. “What?”

“Get it to me as fast as you can.”

“I- I will, sir.”

Kylo turned and moved to leave but hesitated at the door. “And Rost,” he said without looking at him, “the Troopers are important. Continue keeping them healthy.” Without further ado, he left the mess, snatching a piece of bread along the way.

“Is this what I think it’s about, sir?” Phasma asked once outside.

“That depends on what you are thinking, commander,” he responded, teasing. “But given your tendency to guess right, I would say we’re thinking the same thing.” He thoughtfully chewed on his bread. “I need a specialist to give me the same report as the cook concerning feeding children. No, make that two specialists; I want to be able to compare their suggestions. I also want an investigation into the nutritional values of what they’re feeding the children at the bases.”

“I will take care of it right away, sir.”

“Don’t keep it secret, but keep it low key. In the end, I’ll make it sound as if I believe the bases to be delivering poor functioning Troopers due to malnourishment. Involve the academies as well.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And while we’re at it, I want an update on the recruitment numbers.”

“Yes, sir. Are you heading to your office?”

Kylo hummed in agreement.

“I’ll send a Trooper to guard your door, sir,” Phasma concluded, before disappearing down a side corridor.


	28. Catching Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

If he was honest, he hadn’t done much the rest of the day. Despite his nap earlier, he was still tired from the day’s events. He had half expected Ember to barge in and claim his training technique was lame, but she hadn’t. Perhaps it would take her a day or two of stubbornness before she started protesting.

He was glad to be heading back to his quarters—a Trooper trailing behind him as Phasma hadn’t returned yet from the assignments he’d given her—and crawl back into bed. If every reconnection he made was going to be this tiring, he’d really have to space them out. There was no way he could do it two or more days in a row. It meant he had to slightly alter his plans, but so be it.

Once he arrived at his quarters, he sent a small nudge towards Rey through the bond. She immediately appeared in front of him.

“Ben!” she said, her face lighting up.

“Rey,” he answered. “I’m about to turn in. This thing has really drained me.”

“Are you feeling alright?” she asked, concerned.

He touched her cheek. “Yes, stop worrying. I merely need sleep; apparently I need a lot of it.”

“Oh, okay.”

She sounded disappointed and he gave her a small roll of his eyes. “Ask away, Rey.”

Her blush at his words was adorable. He grinned as it grew more pronounced while he rid himself of his clothes—leaving only his trousers—and washed his face.

“What happened when you woke up Ember?” Rey finally asked. “I didn’t feel anything in the Force. Did she wake up okay?”

“Yes, nothing happened, except, well, except for her eyes.”

“Her eyes?” Rey echoed, uncomprehending.

“Yes. They’ve changed.”

“How can her eyes have changed?”

“I have no idea, but it happened.”

She fidgeted. “Show me?”

Smiling, he walked back to her and cupped her face. “Of course.”

He showed her a memory of Ember before she had returned to the Force, and then the one of her looking at him just after waking up. Rey gasped in surprise together with his memory self.

“How’s that possible?” Rey questioned again once outside the memory.

Kylo merely shrugged. Settling himself on his bed, he drew back the covers and invited her to join him.

“Uhm- U- Under the covers?” Rey stuttered.

“I don’t want you to get cold,” he answered.

“I- I’m wearing clothes…”

“So I can see,” he joked, trying to cover up his own insecurity. Was he making a mistake? Was he being too forward?

Rey bit her lip, slowly walking towards him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Rey, I am. It’s no different from sleeping on top of the covers, except it’s warmer.”

He could both see and feel through the bond how she tried to contradict him and failed. It caused him to worry his lips lest he grin and insult her.

“Okay.”

He barely heard her agreement. He couldn’t, however, hide how pleased he was when she crawled into the bed next to him. Once she was lying down, he drew the covers over them both. As had become their habit, he took her hand in his.

“I’ve had an idea earlier.”

“What kind of idea?” she asked, still looking a bit tense. Her eyes were distant, as if she was contemplating something.

“I think I may be able to help the children in the facilities a little bit after all.”

Rey’s eyes lit up. “Oh? Really? How?”

He explained to her about the orders he had given and the reports he had requested, gratified to see her enthusiasm rise the longer he spoke. There was something about seeing her with wide, exuberant eyes that caused butterflies in his stomach.

“That’s brilliant!” she exclaimed when he finished.

“I’ve also requested an update on recruitment numbers,” Kylo continued. “I got … angry last time and ended doing almost nothing at all. I’m hoping there will be a reason to lower the number of needed recruits.”

Rey smiled widely at him. “I’m so happy you’re finding ways to implement change,” she said. “I’m proud of you, Ben.”

He snorted to cover up just how much those words meant to him. Answering her wide smile with a small one of his own, he let go of her hand to brush some tendrils of her hair behind her ear.

Much to his surprise, Rey took the opportunity to shuffle closer to him, burying her nose against his chest. He could feel how tense she was even though she had taken the initiative herself. He wondered if she was scared if he would reject her.

Not entirely sure about how to handle the situation but knowing he did _not_ want her to move away again, he carefully draped his arm over her waist. His hand reached the nape of her neck and he allowed his fingers to draw circles over her skin—remembering how she had seemed to like it last time they got close.

Gradually, Rey relaxed in his arms. He revelled in feeling her warmth so close to his, in the implicit trust she showed. He kissed the top of her head, enjoying the scent of her hair in his nose.

“You’re like a little oven,” Rey murmured. “Or perhaps a big one?”

Kylo laughed. He used it to cover his gasp when her hand roamed his chest to end up resting above his heart. Certainly she must feel how hard it was beating? Did she know it was because of her?

“It’s true!” she continued. “You’re really warm.” Her hand left his chest to cover a big yawn. “Sorry.”

“Seems you had a busy day as well?”

“Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who felt the disturbance in the Force. It created a bit of a panic among the children and I wasn’t there to calm them. I was too busy panicking myself.”

He pulled her closer to him in response to the miserable tone in her voice.

“I failed them,” she whispered to his chest.

“No,” he immediately answered, “don’t say that. It was not something anybody could have expected you to deal with.”

“I completely forgot about them.”

Kylo pulled back a little, forcing her to look up at him. “You did not fail,” he repeated. “The fact that you fear failing them so much tells me exactly how much you are _not_ failing.”

He knew it sounded jumbled and somewhat illogical, but he didn’t know how to word it any different. She merely stared up at him. With a sigh, he kissed her forehead and pulled her back against his chest.

“You did not fail,” he said one last time.

There was a stretch of silence.

“I’m falling asleep,” Kylo finally murmured, barely able to keep his eyes open.

“Me too,” Rey murmured back. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

xXxXxXx

He woke the next morning to the sensation of Rey running her hand through his hair. He thought it the most relaxing, most wonderful feeling. After taking a deep breath, he hummed in appreciation.

Rey quickly snatched her hand back. “Oh Force!” she cried out. “You’re awake!”

Smiling, he opened his eyes to see her blushing furiously, her head propped up on one arm and her free hand cradled against her chest.

“Why did you stop?” he murmured.

“What?”

“Why did you stop?” he repeated, lazily closing his eyes again. “It’s nice.”

A couple heartbeats later, she resumed carding her fingers through his hair and he hummed again.

“You’re purring like a cat,” Rey teased.

He opened one eye and rose an eyebrow, before minutely shrugging and returning to dozing under her ministrations.

“A panther, then,” he conceded.

“What’s a panther?”

Kylo wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer, making Rey shriek in surprise and then giggle. He felt much better with her warmth pressed against him.

“It’s a big, black cat that lives in jungles—big, warm forests.”

“Oh.”

He could hear the smile in her voice. She stilled her hand and burrowed herself into his chest.

“I don’t want to get up.”

“Me neither.”

“Someone’s knocking on my door though.”

“Tell them to go away.”

Rey laughed. “I don’t think they’ll agree. Other than you, I can’t go ordering people about.”

He grumbled but released her from his grip. She sighed but started moving away from him.

“Rey?” he asked, following her out of bed and stretching. He smirked as he caught her watching him.

“Uhm, yes?”

“Would you like me to teach you how to fight?” The words tumbled out of his mouth. He had been thinking about when and how to ask her. Now seemed as good a time as any. She seemed relaxed and happy.

She tilted her head. “What do you mean? Fight with the Force? Wouldn’t that drain us?”

“No,” he answered. “Well, yes, it would drain us, but that’s not what I meant. I was thinking about helping you with your swordfight, and perhaps your staff? I think the bond would make that possible.”

Rey blinked at him. “You would do that?”

He walked over to her to cup her cheek. “Of course.”

She beamed up at him. “Yes! When can we start?” Rey was practically bouncing on her feet.

Her eagerness reminded him of Ember. “Tomorrow morning?”

“Yes!” She looked over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “I really need to go,” she sighed, before giving him a hug. “Bye, Ben.”

The sight of her disappearing in his arms left him slightly unsettled. He ignored it, knowing she would come back. After a quick shower, he headed out.

“Phasma?” he asked after greeting the Trooper that was guarding his door.

“I honestly don’t know, sir,” was the answer. “She didn’t leave a message.”

Kylo shrugged and made to walk on when an irregularity caught his eye. He stopped and turned to regard the Trooper. Under his Trooper number, a name had been written.

“Jaken,” Kylo stated. “Pleased to meet you.”

The man saluted. “Sir!”

Kylo once more started walking only to, yet again, stop dead in his tracks.

“Take off your mask,” he said.

“Uhm, sir?”

“Take it off. There’s no use in a name if you all look the same to me.”

“Sir!”

The man took off his helmet, tucked it under one arm, shook his hair out of his eyes, and saluted. Kylo studied him for a minute. He seemed to have Asian roots. His hair was half-long—cut just below the jaw-line—a wide nose, and an overall round face. With a firm nod, he again greeted the man before finally getting on his way.

“Are there others who have chosen a name, Jaken?” Kylo asked after hearing the man scramble after him.

“Some have, sir; others are still choosing one. A few are doubtful about the idea but I’m sure they’ll come around sooner or later.”

“It’s an open choice. There’s no pressure,” Kylo said.

He did not want group pressure to kick in and force the doubters into something they did not want. Walking towards breakfast, he made a mental note to ask Phasma to repeat the sentiment to his Troopers, and to have her rotate the ones who had decided upon a name so he could get to know them.


	29. Staff Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

 

The next morning couldn’t come quick enough. After a restless night, Kylo woke up with a smile on his face. Once he was in a training room, he gently contacted Rey.

“Good morning, Ben,” she said, beaming at him. The enthusiasm radiated off of her.

“Good morning, Rey,” he replied in kind. “Are you somewhere safe? Where you can’t be detected?”

She nodded, then bit her lip, her nose scrunching up in concentration. His surroundings shimmered for a moment and then he found himself standing in the middle of a meadow. A bike was parked near a couple of trees.

“I’m quite a bit away from the base. Nobody should come looking for me. I told them I needed meditation training.”

He snorted. “Meditation training?”

“It’s not like they know any better,” she said with a twinkle in her eyes. “Well, except for Maz; there’s no knowing how much information she has.” After another shimmer, he found himself back in his training room. “I guess it’s better if we each see where we are,” Rey offered. “So that I don’t fall over a rock and you don’t run into a wall.”

He had to agree with her sentiment.

“Before we start, though,” he said, “do you have a knife with you?”

She stared at him, confused. “Yes, but why?”

“Could you take it out?” After she had taken a knife from her boot, he offered her his arm. “Try cutting me.”

“What?!” she exclaimed. “No!” Her face fell; she looked absolutely stricken. “Why would I do that? Why are you asking me to do that?”

“I need to know how much we can hurt each other,” he tried to explain to her. She was still shaking her head. “Remember that time you woke me and I grabbed your arm? I hurt you back then. I don’t want to hurt you now. I want to be certain I can’t hurt you.”

“So I should risk hurting you? No!”

“I can’t test it by cutting myself,” he tried to reason. “It has to be you.”

“Then why don’t you cut me?” she countered.

Kylo stared at her. How could she even think he would do that? She meant everything to him. He was asking this of her so he could prevent hurting her. He would never! A thought struck him. It couldn’t be that she didn’t want to cut him for the very same reasons…

“I-” he faltered, not knowing what to say. “No,” he finally stated. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“And _I_ don’t want to hurt _you_.”

He sighed. “We need to test it. We can’t risk not knowing,” he stated. “How will you explain a cut if you’re training meditation? Or even if you tell them you decided on some staff training? I don’t have to explain myself to anybody.”

Rey frowned at him. “But-”

“It’s okay, Rey,” he said, stepping closer to her and touching her arm. “We’ve both endured much, much worse. It’s only a tiny cut.”

“I don’t want to do it.”

She was looking up at him with big, doe eyes and he felt his heart clench. “I know,” he said, moving his hand to touch her cheek, “but we need to know.”

“Okay. But at least tell me you have some bacta nearby.”

“I’ll treat it when we’re done training, alright?” he conceded, amused by her worrying over a small cut again.

Rey nodded solemn before taking his left arm and swiftly dragging her knife over it. Nothing happened.

“Oh!” she said. “Okay.”

Suppressing a grin, he pinched her side.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“It seems it’s bruises only,” he teased.

“I will get you back for that one!”

He winked at her, which only served to narrow her glare. Watching her grab for her staff, he decided to take one of his own.

“I won’t risk using my saber,” he said. “It’s a thing on its own and there’s no way of knowing how it will interact with the Force.” Rey nodded in agreement. “Now,” he continued, “let’s see what you’ve got.”

He swiped at her and she blocked. They traded a couple of easy blows. Suddenly, she violently swung for his head.

“Don’t you dare go easy on me!” she snarled at him.

“I wouldn’t dare.”

He grinned as he started building up his attacks. It was obvious she had been training. He blocked a sneak attack on his legs and hastily dodged its follow-up. Her ferocity, he noted with joy, had not changed at all.

After a good five minutes, he stepped away. “You’ve improved,” he said.

She smiled at him. “I’ve been training.”

“Obviously.” He grabbed his staff and moved to stand next to her. “You lose power with the way you hold your staff at some points,” he said, moving it in position. “Move your hand a bit higher and twist it a little. No, it should be about shoulder’s width.”

He watched Rey fumble and dropped his staff to the ground. “Just like this.” Reaching towards her, he put his hands over hers and placed them in the correct position. “Now try it.”

“Hmm?”

“Try it,” he repeated, giving her an odd look.

“Oh, of course, yes.”

Kylo watched as she practiced the move. Her joy was palpable as she noticed the improvement in her attack.

“Let’s go over some routines,” he said after a couple repetitions, “and then we’ll spar again.”

Rey agreed and he started teaching her some of the forms he had created. They differed from the basic ones the Troopers used. He corrected Rey’s stances and her hold on the staff.

She seemed so eager to learn, it was endearing. He started using the corrections as excuses to touch her. He couldn’t help himself. After having had her sleep in his arms, he just wanted to hold her, again and again. It was also amusing to see how she seemed to become distracted by him every once in a while.

He watched her as she went through the forms, showing off her strength and agility.

“Let’s spar again,” he said. He wanted to see that fierce glow in her eyes, see the determination and her passion.

Rey grinned in response. “Sure!”

They faced off, circling slowly and neither willing to make the first move. Eventually, Kylo caved. He lunged, jabbing at her stomach. Rey blocked him, swirling around to swing at his back. Soon, they were both swishing and stabbing at a high speed—trying to take the other by surprise.

For a long time, only the sound of their heavy breathing and the clashing of wood against wood could be heard in the room. Kylo was delighted by how much Rey had already improved. He was still holding back—she hadn’t gotten _that_ good—but he did have to keep an eye out. What she lacked in strength, she more than made up with speed. She had managed to surprise him a couple of times.

He found that he was enjoying himself, and if the look in Rey’s eyes was anything to go by, so was she. Fighting had never felt as much as a dance as it did at that moment. They were in sync—moving fluently from one stance into another.

However, after a while, he noticed Rey was starting to grow weary. Deciding to put an end to it before she started making mistakes and perhaps started doubting herself, he feigned and swiped her legs from underneath her.

With a shriek, she tumbled down. Much to his surprise though, she managed to do exactly the same to him on her way down. With an ‘oof’ he landed hard on his back. He could see from the corner of his eye that she was trying to scramble back up. Without giving it much thought, he rolled over and pinned her down.

“I won,” he said, holding her wrists down but making sure not to put too much weight on them.

He braced himself on his elbows. Rey was staring up at him, looking confused and blinking furiously. Her cheeks were turning red.

Kylo huffed. “Not ready to admit defeat, even now?” he teased.

“You- You won.”

He thought she sounded a bit nervous. As she squirmed—no doubt trying to get free—he could feel her legs brushing against his. With sudden clarity, he realised the position they were in. Feeling his own ears burning, he quickly disentangled himself from her.

He moved to sit cross legged on the floor next to her. She pushed herself up into a seated position as well, carefully avoiding his gaze.

“You improve quickly,” he said in order to break the awkward tension.

“I do?”

“Yes. Who’s been training you?”

Rey shrugged. “No-one specific. It’s not like we have a training master to spare.”

Kylo shifted, shocked. How could the Resistance be so careless? Rey was their biggest asset, yet they were leaving her untrained?

“Besides,” she continued, “I’m working with the kids.”

“But … nobody is training you at all?”

“Some of the soldiers here have taught me their tricks, and I spar with them on occasion. Finn tries to teach me some Trooper methods, but he’s hardly ever here. Other than that, I try to train on my own.”

He stared at her, still uncomprehending. Rey picked at the bandages around her arms before glancing up at him.

“I learned a lot from watching you fight Phasma,” she said.

Frowning, he clenched his fists. “If the Resistance isn’t training you, then I _will_. They’re fools to not see how strong you could become!”

“I thought this was a one-time thing?”

He turned to see her watching him with wide eyes and faltered. “I, uhm, I would like to continue this?”

Her face softened and another wide smile stretched her lips. “You would really train me?”

“Yes?”

She started laughing. “You don’t sound all too convinced.”

He had the childish impulse to poke her and gave into it. Rey squealed and poked him right back. A small mock-fight broke out between them until Rey suddenly slumped down against his shoulder.

“This is not fair!” she complained. “You’re too big!”

Laughing, he draped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. “Perhaps you’re too small?”

She whacked his chest. “I’m not _small_! I’m petite,” she huffed.

He laughed again and kissed the top of her head. He was about to retort when the door to the training room hissed open.

“What’s wrong?” Rey asked as he turned his head.

“Phasma,” he mumbled while giving said woman a raised eyebrow in question.

“I apologise for the interruption, sir,” Phasma said, “but could you step out for a moment?”

“What’s going on?” he questioned. He really didn’t feel like leaving Rey.

“A package has arrived, sir.”

Phasma glanced at the—for her, empty—space beside him and he realised why she was hesitant. With a sigh he murmured ‘I’ll be back’ to Rey and got up.

“This better be important,” he said as soon as he was out in the hallway.

He looked at one of his Troopers—Matt, the breastplate informed him—carrying a small box. With Rey waiting for him, he didn’t feel like he had the time to get to know this Trooper better, but Phasma was already arranging a rotation schedule so he could see them all, making him feel less bad about ignoring the man.

“This arrived just now, sir,” Matt said, offering him the box.

Kylo accepted it and opened the lid. “Oh.”

The box was lined with blue velvet and inside laid a pure, flawless kyber crystal. He picked it up and studied it. It truly was a quality crystal. Placing it back into its velvet confines, he nodded at the Trooper.

“Thank you, Matt; you can go.”

He saluted and walked off.

“Given why you wanted it and your current training, I thought you might want to know immediately that it had arrived,” Phasma commented.

“Yes, indeed. You are right,” Kylo answered, already distracted by the prospect of telling Rey.

He opened the door and walked back inside the training room. Rey was still sitting on the floor, waiting for him.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“Yes, certainly,” he answered. “Even better,” he continued, showing her the box. “I’ve got a present for you.”

 


	30. A Crystalline Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

 

“A present?” Rey echoed. Her voice was a mix of disbelief, confusion, and childish joy.

Kylo motioned her to stay seated and settled himself next to her again.

“This is for you,” he said softly, handing her the box. He studied her face as she took the box and gently dragged her fingers across the inlay on the top. “Open it.”

Rey gasped as she lifted the lid. Her eyes grew wide as saucers and her body grew very still. Her gaze was focussed solely on the crystal. After a few heartbeats, she blinked.

“You- You found one?”

“Yes,” he said, feeling all sorts of things flutter in his chest at her expression.

“And it’s- it’s really for me?”

“Yes.”

She carefully touched the crystal, almost as if it would shatter as soon as her fingers connected with the surface.

“Really?” she asked again, looking up at him.

A storm of emotions coursed through their bond and a single tear escaped her eye to slide down her cheek. He reached out to brush it away.

“Yes, Rey. I promised you one, didn’t I?”

“I can make my own saber,” she breathed, returning to staring at the crystal.

He allowed her to stay lost in thought for a few minutes before speaking up. “Now it’s only a matter of getting it to you. It will probably fade from your hands and stay here once we stop communicating. And even if that wasn’t true and we could somehow transfer it through the bond, I’d rather not try it with something so Force sensitive as a Kyber crystal. It might change it somehow.”

Rey’s expression faltered. “You’re right,” she said as she carefully closed the box again and placed it on the floor before her.

Kylo pulled her closer. “Hey, we’ll find a way to get it to you.” A thought struck him. “We, uhm, perhaps we could meet?”

“Meet?” Rey questioned, looking up at him again. “As, in person?”

“Of course I’ll understand if you’d rather not,” he quickly backtracked. “There are other possibilities.”

“You want us to meet in person?” Rey asked again, completely ignoring his words.

“Uhm.” He dragged his hand through his hair, feeling insecure. “Yes? Yes, I want to see you, in person.”

“You should bring a bottle of your shampoo.”

“Excuse me?” Of all the things he thought she could say, _this_ was not one of them.

“A bottle of your shampoo. I’m jealous of your hair. I want it too!”

He didn’t know what to say. Was she serious?

“I’m not kidding!” Rey exclaimed.

“Then I will bring a bottle of shampoo,” he said shakily. “We’re meeting up?”

“Of course.”

Kylo blinked at her, at her bright smile and the way she was leaning towards him. She wanted to meet. She really wanted to see him.

“I must find a way to sneak out though,” she said, frowning slightly. “It’s not like I can tell everybody I’m going out to meet you. I can lie to some about a mission but even then I would have to find a way to get around Maz. Better not to say anything at all.”

“You think you can get out?”

“If I’ve got time to prepare. How about you?”

“I’ll figure something out. I will have to tell Phasma but she can help with preparations.”

“Can you find us a location?” Rey asked. “The less I have to search our navigation stacks, the less chance of someone figuring it out.”

He nodded. “I’ll make the arrangements and let you know. I need a decent enough excuse as well.”

She threw her arms around him. “Thank you, Ben.”

Hugging her back, he buried his nose in her hair. He felt proud that he could make her happy. With reluctance, he peeled away from her.

“I must get going,” he said. “I’ve got two delegations from trading consortia coming today, wanting me to settle a dispute between them.”

“My great Supreme Leader,” Rey teased. Kylo gave her an odd look. “People coming from far and wide, wanting you to judge who the best trader is.”

He noticed how she was pinching her lips, trying hard not to laugh, and he glared at her. She giggled behind her hands in response, quickly rolling out of the way as he lunged at her. He chased her around the room until he could grab her around the waist. They were both breathing hard.

“I should punish you for that,” he mock threatened against her neck.

He could feel the shiver that ran down Rey’s back and he pulled her even closer.

“Hmm,” Rey responded. She wasn’t struggling. Rather on the contrary, he felt as if she was leaning against him. “You could try.”

Kylo laughed. “Defiant until the end.”

Rey scoffed and suddenly stamped the heel of her boot hard on his foot. He yelped in surprise and let her go.

“You miscreant!”

Bounding out of his reach, she had the audacity to wink at him. “Let me know as soon as you’ve got plans to meet. For now, I’ll leave you to your traders.” She laughed merrily. “Goodbye, Ben.”

Despite the pain in his foot, he had to admit that he liked this outgoing, mischievous version of Rey. The first cold and then scared way she had been behaving lately had worried him. This was much more like the scavenger that had managed to curb one of his Troopers in order to escape him. It was much more like the fearless woman that had shipped herself to him because she was certain he would turn to the Light.

That last thought made him wonder. Was he turning to the Light? He reached for the Force and clearly felt its darkness. Was he still Dark then? He didn’t think so. Force, he didn’t want to be, because if he was, Rey wouldn’t stay. She would leave, again, and that was an idea he simply could not deal with.

Perhaps he was neither?

Rubbing his forehead to stave off the oncoming headache, he put away the staff he’d been using. Was there even any use in trying to determine where he stood on the Light-Dark spectrum? He picked up the box with the crystal and left the training room.

“I need a shower and then we have things to discuss,” he said to Phasma.

“Sir,” Phasma answered. “The delegations have already arrived, sir. They have been lead into the waiting room.”

Kylo sighed. “Great,” he muttered sarcastically. “I’ll deal with them first after my shower then.”

“Shall I send word that you are on your way?”

“Let them wait. I still am the Supreme Leader; I’ll show up when I feel like it.”

“Certainly, sir.”

The trading consortia were as bad as he feared them to be. Kylo got the distinct impression that they were there to test him—and not to actually find a solution to their problem. After endless—and in his opinion mostly useless debate—they finally came to an agreement and left.

“Lunch has been delivered to your office, sir,” Phasma said as soon as he left the Throne room. “I thought you might want some peace and quiet after that bunch of bumbling baboons.” Kylo snorted and nodded his appreciation. “You said there were some things you wanted to discuss, sir,” she continued. “Would you like to do that now or after your lunch?”

“We can do that now,” he said, eyeing the sandwiches on his desk upon arrival. He looked up at Phasma. “Don’t you have to eat as well?”

“I had a quick bite to eat while you were dealing with the traders, sir.”

Kylo shrugged and started eating. “You know for whom the crystal is,” he said between bites.

“Yes, sir.”

“Then you also know we need to get it to her.”

“Yes, sir. Shall I arrange a drop off somewhere?”

“No,” he answered, “I need you to find a place where we can meet.”

“Excuse me?” she said in surprise.

“We’re planning on meeting up. I need to teach her how to link the crystal to herself. Rey said she can sneak off base if she gets enough time to plan, so I need a place and a date as soon as possible.”

“But, sir, you can’t possibly be thinking about sneaking off on your own as well?”

He gave her a stern look.

“Sir! Forgive me for my frankness, but you are the Supreme Leader. Simply disappearing would have massive consequences. Leaving your Troopers behind would drastically lower moral. I advise against it, sir.”

“Then find me an excuse.”

She saluted, urgency obvious in her movements. “I will, sir.”

“Relax, Phasma,” he said, taking pity on his commander. “I was never planning on leaving on my own. I will, however, be the sole First Order member to set foot on the selected planet. It won’t do to meet her with soldiers at my back.”

“I understand, sir.” Phasma said. Kylo smirked at the relief in her voice. “Any particular planet or moon you had in mind?”

“Not really.” He put a map of part of the Galaxy on his display. “It should be in this area, though,” he stated, selecting a segment of the map.

Phasma nodded. “I’ll get right to it, sir.”

“Good. Check on the progress of the reports I asked for as well. Make sure they make a report about the deaths and retirements of the Troopers beside the one listing recruitments. I need numbers of both incoming and outgoing soldiers.”

“Certainly, sir.” She saluted. “Matt will be guarding your door for the rest of the day, sir. He’s eager to meet you.”

Kylo nodded. “Very well.”

He grabbed another sandwich and slouched in his chair. More requests like those of the traders were coming in. The idea of having to deal with them filled him with dread. He needed more people loyal to him to take over that particular job, but at the moment that was not an option.

He was no longer the Kylo Ren that wanted to rule like Snoke had, but he couldn’t confide in many people. If word got out to the wrong people, chaos would ensue. Finding staff to do this job now would lead to people behaving like they _thought_ he wanted it.

Frustrated, he stuffed the last piece of his sandwich in his mouth and almost aggressively chewed on it. After swallowing, he called in Matt.

“Sir!” the man saluted.

“I see you’ve called yourself Matt?”

“It used to be my name, sir.”

Kylo frowned. “Explain. And take off your helmet.”

From beneath the helmet appeared a white male with blond hair that seemed to stick out in every direction. Kylo immediately wondered why he didn’t cut it. It didn’t seem practical at all.

“I joined the First Order as a youth with the ambition to become a radar technician, sir,” Matt explained. “It was quickly determined, however, that I wasn’t suited and it was suggested I step into the Trooper program. Matt Inuson used to be my name before they gave me my number.”

“I see. It is nice to meet you, Matt.”

“Good to meet you too, sir. And it’s an honor to be part of your squad, sir.” After a final salute, Matt put his helmet back on and walked out to return to his vigil outside the door.

Kylo watched as the door slid closed. He felt some relief in knowing not all of his Troopers had been trained since childhood. Yet, the fact that Matt had to lose his name in order to become a Trooper didn’t sit well with him either.

He dragged a hand through his hair and realised he was already missing Rey’s calming presence by his side. He wondered when he would get to train with her again. She’d said she wanted to, but they hadn’t decided on when.

Using that as an excuse, he nudged her over the bond. It took her a few moments to appear.

“Ben? You have news already?” she asked.

He suddenly felt silly, contacting her with such a lazy excuse. “No, Phasma is working on finding us a suitable planet or moon. I just wanted to know- I mean, I said I wanted to train you but never asked when you would have the time.”

“Oh.” She gave him an odd little look. “I don’t know how often I can get away. Perhaps twice a week?”

If it were up to him, he would spar with her every day, but he would take what he could get. He was about to answer when raised voices reached him through the door.

“Everything okay?” Rey asked as he threw the door an annoyed look. He promptly widened the bond. “What’s going on?” she asked in response.

Mirroring her sentiment, he shouted exactly that. The door hissed open and Matt appeared.

“This woman tried to barge in, sir,” he said, keeping half an eye on someone who was still standing in the hallway.

“You will let me in at once! You puny little Trooper!”

Recognising Ember’s voice, Kylo fought back a laugh. “Let her in, Matt.”

“Yes, sir!”

The Trooper stepped aside. It wouldn’t have surprised him if Matt had thrown Ember a dirty look from behind his mask. The latter barged in.

“I refuse to sit on my ass any longer!”

This time, Kylo did smile. “I told you it is part of the training, Ember,” he said, thinking she’d held out longer than he’d expected.

“This is Ember?” Rey questioned.

“Yes,” he quickly answered over the bond. He didn’t dare turn to glance at Rey; Ember was too observant to miss such a thing.

“Am I to assume you figured out the Force? Or did you barge in here purely out of annoyance?” he said to Ember.

“I’ll understand through some _real_ training,” she countered.

“Real training, huh?”

“Yes! No more blasted sitting on a cushion and _feeling._ ”

“I’ll leave you to it then,” Rey interrupted, a strange tone to her voice.

 


	31. Real Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

 

Kylo could feel Rey fading away. He hated that he couldn’t respond to her, couldn’t finish their conversation or properly wish her goodbye. Hopefully she would understand. He shook his head, both at Ember and over Rey’s disappearance.

“Come on then,” he said, grabbing a last sandwich to fortify himself. “Let’s start that ‘real training’.”

Ember followed him out the room, looking decidedly smug. He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and headed towards the training rooms. Checking over his shoulder, he saw Matt following them closely. Kylo figured he needed to draft some sort of general rules about who could and could not disturb him. Shrugging, he decided it was a problem for another time.

As soon as they arrived, he grabbed two pillows and threw them on the floor.

“Hell no!” Ember immediately protested. “I said _real_ training.”

He gave her a small twitch of his lips. “There’s one more thing you need to know before that _real_ training of yours starts.” Ember opened her mouth but he cut her off with a glare. “And it’s essential.”

She grumbled but sat down nevertheless. Kylo went to sit in front of her.

“Tell me what you’ve experienced these last days.”

“Nothing much, that’s for sure.”

He found her answer both unsurprising and worrisome. It made him add another bullet to his mental to-do list: how to explain meditation to seasoned warriors. Perhaps it was a question he could ask Rey.

“Still,” he answered Ember with a sigh, “go into detail.”

“It was more of the same,” she reluctantly said. “That tingly feeling. There was also-” She stopped abruptly.

“Nothing you say will leave this room, Ember of Ren,” he assured her. “And nothing you say will sound stupid, I can guarantee you that too.”

She studied him, intensely, before finally resuming her explanation. “I saw images,” she said. “Of trees growing, of waves coming and going, of corpses rotting.”

He could see the confusion on her face as he smiled in response to her words.

“You found the balance, the edge that encompasses all.” Her sceptic look made him laugh. “Do you remember I told you that when Darkness rises, Light rises to meet it?” He waited for her nod before continuing. “That’s what you saw. A wave crashing on the shore always retreats. Life comes before death, and death comes before life. The Force is balance.”

Ember blinked at him and he waited for her to process what he had said. Eventually, she nodded again, although it was a doubtful sort of nod.

“Although the Force is balance, it is not one big entity. It exists out of infinite possibilities, infinite choices, infinite situations, all producing and consuming the energy that flows through it all.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“I guess not, but you need to know this before I show you what you need to know. Then, we can start training.”

Again, Ember nodded.

“I’m going to guide you through a meditation session where you’ll focus on certain aspects of the Force. I implore you to comprehend but to not dive into what you’ll be feeling. Don’t allow it to consume you.”

“You’re still not making any sense.” There was an edge of impatience to her voice.

“Tell me you will heed my words, Ember of Ren.”

She seemed to recognise the urgency behind his words, for she thumped her fist on her chest and bowed her head in acceptance.

“Good,” he said. “Now close your eyes and focus on your breathing.” He waited until her breathing was even and her shoulders relaxed. Secretly, he was impressed by the progress she had made in just a couple of days. It showed exactly how badly she wanted to learn.

“Do you feel the Force?”

“Yes.”

Kylo took a deep breath. “Focus on the growing plants, on the water feeding the earth, on birth and growth.” He watched as Ember first frowned in concentration and then started smiling. A certain serenity enveloped her. “Notice how you feel. Notice how beautiful it is, yet how fragile, how difficult to maintain. Notice the emotions it evokes.”

For a couple of minutes, he let her be, let her bask in the Light side while feeling how her focus changed the atmosphere around them; then, he guided her back. “Let go of your focus, return to balance.”

He considered the reluctance on her face as a good sign. There was a reason why novices were always introduced to the Light side before the Dark. It created a contrast. One that was supposed to serve as a source of revulsion against the Dark side.

Taking a deep breath, he continued his teaching. “Remember your promise not to become consumed,” he stated first, wanting to be sure. Ember’s life had been anything but good and he feared the lure of revenge would become too strong.

A small hum made him continue.

“Focus on the decay, on the earth drying out and on death. Focus on the destructive powers of a volcano, and the acid rain that sickens the ground.” The well-known, almost comforting feeling of the Dark enveloped them both, and just as he had feared, Ember’s face did not contort with revulsion. He could see she was being lured into it.

“Do not let it seduce you!” he warned, at the same time wondering how much of a hypocrite it made him. “Yes, it’s strong. Yes, it’s easy and seductive. But look at where it comes from. See its results.”

His words didn’t seem to have much effect. The Darkness swirled around them and Ember’s mouth contorted in a sinister smile. Kylo did the one thing he could think of to shock her out of Dark’s embrace.

“This is what Snoke used. You’re feeding of that which forms Base Z!”

Ember’s eyes flashed open and the energy in the room abruptly dissipated. She was breathing heavily, her burning eyes wide with shock. “I-”

“Easy, wasn’t it?” he said.

She focused on him. “I-” she tried again. He could see she was trying to hide a shiver.

“Breathe, Ember,” he said. “You snapped out of it, that’s the most important. Now you know what to watch out for.”

“I almost didn’t,” she answered, lowering her head.

“Which was to be expected. It’s why I didn’t do this on the first day. Don’t beat yourself up over this.” He watched her bent head. She didn’t respond. “The Dark side will always be there, as will the Light side. The Jedi believed you reached Full Mastery if you managed to fully submerge in the Light, just as the Sith believe in becoming consumed by the Dark. The Dark is a seductive force that will show up when you become angry. You need to know this so you can protect yourself against its lure.”

She lifted her head and frowned at him. “What about you?” There was suspicion in her voice and calculation in her eyes.

Kylo shrugged. “I am no longer part of the Dark, not fully, that is. I’ve seen and felt the results of Snoke’s reign.”

“Then you are Light?”

He almost laughed at the disbelieving look on her face. “I sincerely doubt it,” he responded.

“But-”

“It is of no consequence,” he interrupted. “Are you still feeling up to further training? Or would you prefer a break?”

“I can train!” she stated forcefully, standing up.

“Sit.”

“What?”

“Sit. You’ll get your training, but there’s no need for you to stand while doing it.”

Grumbling and with annoyance clear on her face, Ember dropped back down on her cushion.

He summoned a dagger from the weapons stand. It flew towards him and he unsheathed it as soon as he plucked it out of the air. He placed the sheath in between them while placing the dagger a safe distance away. A rock would have been better, easier, but he figured this would do just fine.

“The Force flows through everything and is part of everything,” he said. “Reach out to this sheath with the Force, identify it, feel it, and lift it.”

“That’s it?”

Kylo laughed. “Give it a try and see if you still think it’s so simple.”

He watched as Ember eagerly focused on the sheath, started frowning, and got frustrated.

“I used to do this as a kid!” she exclaimed.

“All the more reason it will come back to you faster than it would take a true novice to learn this,” he answered. “Still, it’s going to take a while. The Force is different from a muscle in that you don’t flex it in order to do something. You _believe_ in something in order for it to happen.”

Ember threw him an exasperated look.

“Just remember that and keep on trying.” He rose to his feet. “Don’t train with the actual dagger in case you manage to jerk it around and end up injuring yourself. I’ll come check up on you tomorrow after lunch.”

“You’re leaving? You’re pulling that on me _again_?”

“I don’t see how you can’t train on your own,” he answered. “You’re more than disciplined enough to keep trying. Don’t neglect your daily combat routines for this though. Strength of the body is just as important as strength of the mind.”

She muttered under her breath but eventually agreed with a polite ‘Yes, sir’. He took it as his sign to leave.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck.”

He thought about how to proceed with her training once she mastered basic levitation as he walked from the room.

“I need a customised droid,” he said to Matt once outside. “Where do you think I best go? The repairs shop? Or to the engineers?”

Matt gave a surprised flinch at his question but answered after the slight hesitation. “Uhm. Will it be a completely new droid, or can one be tweaked to fit your needs, sir?”

“One might be tweaked.”

“Then I would suggest asking the repairs shop first.”

Kylo nodded and took off, Matt in his wake. The repairs shop was quite a distance from the area he mainly frequented and he was drawing looks along the way. He ignored the crew that stumbled or stuttered as they spotted him. He had the entire ship’s layout memorised, so at least he didn’t have to ask for directions.

When they finally arrived, a short, plump woman bustled her way over to them and saluted. Her hair was dyed bright blue.

“Supreme Leader!” she greeted. “What brings you to our workshop?” Her eyes slid to the side. “Matt!” she exclaimed in a much happier tone. “Hi!”

“Patty,” he answered.

Her face fell. “Come now, what’s with the frigid response?”

“Uhm, I’m on duty, Patty,” he stumbled, obviously embarrassed.

“Oh!” The woman turned back towards Kylo. “Right! Sorry, Matt.”

Kylo could see his Trooper shrug almost imperceptibly from the corner of his eye. He decided not to comment on the lapse of protocol.

“I find myself in need of a customised droid,” he said. Glancing back at Matt, he added, “Matt here said this was the place to be.”

“Did he now?” The man in question shifted his weight but otherwise didn’t respond. “Well then, Supreme Leader, tell me what it is you need.”

“I need a droid capable of silently moving around, randomly shooting something at an also moving target. The projectiles must be small, decently felt on impact, but not harmful. I was thinking that perhaps one of the droids used for practice with flying targets could be used?”

She gave him a confused look. “That’s a rather odd request.” He didn’t answer, merely looked at her stoically. “Right,” she said, fidgeting, “apologies, sir; it’s not my place to question you. Moving around and shooting small objectiles, hmm? Let me see.”

Patty wandered off towards a workbench with a holographic screen and rapidly started pulling designs from the database. She muttered under her breath, selecting parts of design schematics and organising them in a separate file, all the while asking questions.

“The target itself would be moving as well?”

“How tall is the target it’s shooting at?”

“Any specifics about what it will be shooting or are we free to choose that?”

Eventually, she took a step back to watch the different drawings she had put in her new file.

“I think we can work something out, sir,” she said. “When will you be needing the droid?”

“In a day or two,” he answered. Ember would probably take longer to master basic levitation, but he wanted to be sure the droid was fully operational by then.

“I will put a team on it immediately, sir, and send a progress report by tomorrow evening.”

Kylo nodded his approval and started the long trek back. Checking the time, he decided to head straight to his quarters; it was getting late and he definitely did not feel like doing paperwork.

“Do you know this Patty?” he asked Matt out of curiosity.

“We’ve, uhm, had drinks together a couple of times, sir.”

Kylo didn’t comment any further, Matt’s tone of voice more than enough to tell him the man was blushing.


	32. Childhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta! (And I know I write this at the top of every chapter, but it’s absolutely true.)

Deciding to call it a day despite the early hour, Kylo had a quick dinner and headed for his quarters. Once there, he called Rey, still feeling a bit uneasy about the abrupt way their conversation had ended earlier.

“What?” Rey snapped as soon as she appeared.

Kylo blinked; she looked haggard. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you angry about earlier?”

“About what?”

“When Ember barged in?”

“When- Oh, that. No, yes, no, not anymore. I was...overreacting. Never mind that.”

She sunk down to the floor and he immediately went to crouch next to her.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, worried.

“Yeah, it’s nothing. They’re not happy with my announcement that I’ll be going out for ‘meditation training’ two mornings a week. They think it’s too dangerous; although they disagree on the reason why.”

Kylo made himself comfortable on the floor and pulled Rey against him. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed, closing her eyes.

“How are they both agreeing and disagreeing?” he asked.

“They’re either afraid I’ll end up exposing our location — which is foolish because you already know, but they don’t need to know that — or they’re afraid I’ll get hurt or lost or something. Either way, they want to force an escort on me.”

“They’re making things difficult for you.”

“They are. Eventually Maz intervened and told the rest of them off, saying it was nothing but normal that I needed some alone-time away from them. She called them an annoying lot of overgrown, overbearing, unnecessary babysitters. Shut them right up.”

Kylo laughed. “So you can get out for training?”

“Yes,” she answered. “We need to settle on when, though.” She sighed. “Of course, when I got back to the kids, they’d heard I went out as well. Now they want to have outdoor trainings too. It might be arranged if we stay close enough to base, but they want to explore the woods. They’re kids after all.” She heaved another sigh. “I’m so tired right now.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Are you in your room?”

“Yes, why?”

“Let’s go to bed then, if you’re tired.”

He easily scooped her off the floor and carried her to his bed, wondering vaguely if the Force was floating her to her own bed wherever she was. He didn’t linger on the idea as Rey reached her arms around his neck and buried her head into his chest. It kept surprising him how much she trusted him.

She hummed as he gently placed her on the bed. He moved to take off her boots and she startled.

“What? Oh! I- I can take off my own boots. You don’t have to do that.”

He pushed her back down onto the bed. “Let me; you’re tired.”

“But-”

Ignoring her stumbled protests, he tugged on her boots and placed them next to the bed.

“Thanks,” she muttered, blushing.

He smiled and moved to the freshner to splash some water in his face before undressing until he was wearing only his pants.

“How did things with Ember go?” Rey asked.

A glance towards her told him she was watching him intently. He couldn’t suppress a grin at her attention. Thinking about Ember’s training session, however, quickly sobered him.

He dragged a hand through his hair. “I almost lost her,” he sighed.

“What? How?”

“The Dark got to her so easily, and she didn’t resist. She didn’t resist at all. I managed to shock her out of it but- It won’t happen again—she knows what to look out for now—but what about when I start teaching the other Knights? I don’t want to lose any of them.”

He walked towards the bed. Rey was no longer looking at him. On the contrary, she seemed to be avoiding his eyes at all cost. He put a finger under her chin, turning her head.

“What is it?”

She still wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“I did the same,” she mumbled.

“What do you mean?”

He crawled onto the bed, covering them both with the sheets.

“When Luke- Sorry,” she said, seeing Kylo flinch slightly at the man’s name. “When I was first shown the Force, I didn’t resist the Dark either.”

Kylo stared at her, unbelieving. “You...didn’t resist the Dark?” he asked.

“It promised me answers,” she whispered.

He stroked her hair, trying to sooth her. “About who you are? Where you come from?”

“Yes.”

Hearing the shiver and self-loathing in her voice, he pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her. “Oh, Rey,” he mumbled against her hair. “You’re one of the Lightest people I know.”

“Well, it’s not like you know many.”

He chuckled. “True, although I’m starting to believe I know more than I thought.”

“Why?” she asked, snuggling closer.

“There’s some interesting people on this ship,” he evaded, not willing to explain an only half-formed feeling.

Rey shrugged in response, seeming to understand his unwillingness to elaborate. “Is that all you did with Ember?” she asked. “Show her the Light and the Dark?”

“No. I’m having her try to float the sheath of a dagger. She used to be able to float rocks as a child so I think she’ll get the hang of it pretty quick. I was surprised by how much she improved with her meditation, but she doesn’t understand why she has to do it. I grew up with it so I don’t know how to explain.”

“You grew up with it?” Rey asked tentatively.

He hummed. “As soon as Leia noticed how strong I was with the Force, she started teaching me. I was still a toddler. She had learned from- She practiced meditation herself.” He hated how strained his voice sounded near the end.

Rey started drawing patterns on his chest with her fingers, greatly distracting him.

“Tell me more.”

He tensed. “You think it will be a nice story?” he snapped.

She sighed, still tracing patterns. He could feel her sadness radiate through their bond, penetrating his bout of anger.

“I don’t even remember them,” she said. “I- I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but even if they had come back to Jakku, I wouldn’t have realised because I don’t remember them.”

All the anger drained out of him. For all the hate and resentment he had for his family, he couldn’t imagine not knowing them. He opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to find something to say.

“I’m not the person you should ask,” he finally said.

“But I want to know.”

“We weren’t a happy family, Rey. Why don’t you ask someone else at the Resistance?”

She shrugged and stayed silent.

“Rey?” he finally asked.

“You don’t have to tell me, Ben,” she answered. “Not if you don’t want to.”

He pulled back a little, trying to look her in the eye. “Why do you want to know?”

She frowned and a jumbled mix of emotions assaulted him. He could make neither heads nor tails of it.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, voice tiny and breakable. “I just do. I want to know _you._ ”

He stared at her, then pulled her back against his chest. This would be easier if he didn’t look at her, didn’t dwell on the fact he was telling someone instead of talking into a void. Wracking his brain, he tried to find good memories. He wanted to tell her things that wouldn’t make her sad. He wanted her to keep believing in _family_ even though he’d long given up on it. It was a strange feeling.

“When Leia and Han got married,” he started, “Han stopped smuggling and started doing honest trade runs. Sometimes, when a run was near enough that they could make it back within the same day, he took me with them. I must have been around five years old.”

He couldn’t help the small twitch of his lips as he remembered.

"I would sit on Chewie’s lap at take-off and run around the ship while in hyperspace. I thought the lights of hyperspace were mesmerising. And, if I remember correctly, they lost me a couple of times because I fell asleep at the oddest places on the ship.”

Rey hummed and he tensed his arms around her. He didn’t need to be reminded that she was there, even though he was doing it for her. He didn’t like thinking about his childhood. That was in the past. It should have been forgotten.

“I think you must have been an absolutely adorable child.”

That made him huff out a laugh. “Whatever you say.”

Taking a deep breath, he searched his mind for more good memories. “Leia would play shooting games with me. I had this yellow, toy blaster and she would have a green one. We ran around shouting ‘pew pew’ at each other. It almost always ended in either Leia faking a dramatic death, or her catching up with me and tickling me.”

“You’re ticklish?”

“Not anymore,” he answered, hastily grabbing a wandering hand, “and you’re _not_ going to try.”

Rey pouted. He knew she was storing the information for later use, but he didn’t care. He had a feeling he could tickle her right back.

“I also remember stealing cookies from the kitchen,” he continued. “The cook always pretended not to notice.” He shook his head. At the time he had always felt so victorious with his stolen cookie.

“Chewie taught me everything about flying the ship. He would tell me what every little button was for and what every little light meant. I learned Wookie as a baby, really. I’ve been told he used to hold me _a lot_. Once I was a bit older, he taught me mechanics as well. He let me help with repairs. Of course, he was also the one I-”

He stopped mid-sentence. This was not what he wanted to tell her. He quickly tried to find something else to talk about, to distract Rey from what he had been about to say, but was at a loss.

“He was the one you what?” Rey asked.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me, Ben. Please?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Yes I do,” she said firmly.

He sighed, giving in. “He was the one I ran to when Han and Leia were fighting. Han got bored with the trade runs after a while and started smuggling again. It caused a lot of tension. Leia said he was being reckless, that he had a son to think about now. She also kept repeating it would reflect back on her. It would ruin her reputation as a leader and a general.

“Then Snoke started coming into power and the pressure on Leia only grew. The fights grew bigger, longer, and every time they went at each other, I would run to Chewie. He would give me a hug, pick me up, and teach me about the ship.

“Then, of course, Han would take off again, taking Chewie with him. We never knew how long he would be gone. Every time, Leia would refuse to see him off, spending the day snarking at people. She would throw herself into her work.” A small growl escaped him. “And I would be left forgotten. I ate with the rest of the crew, got my lessons from a teacher and made my homework on my own. Both of them simply forgot about me, too preoccupied with being angry at the other.”

“Oh, Ben.”

“I don’t need your pity,” he snapped.

She planted a kiss on his chest, startling him.

“Is this when _he_ started reaching out for you?” she asked.

He blinked and looked down at her. Was he so transparent? “Yes,” he answered.

“I can’t believe he took such advantage of you,” she said. “Well, I should be able to believe it, given how evil he was, but still.”

“Took advantage of me?” he echoed.

Rey moved to look up at him. “Well, yes, of course. You were feeling lonely and he used that to tie you to him. Did he not promise to be your friend? Or to make you strong so you would have friends in the future?”

He felt like iron bands were wrapped around his chest, constricting it. His breath was caught, tension rose all through his body. She was right. That was exactly what had happened. He didn’t know what to do with that information. Anger started to rise.

She cupped his face. “Ben, look at me.” He followed her voice and blinked down at her. “You’ve got friends now,” she said, brushing her thumb over his cheek. “You’ve got me, and Phasma. Perhaps some of your guard can become your friends as well? And how about Ember?”

He thought the last sentence sounded a bit strained.

“Snoke is dead,” she continued. “You are free, Ben. You are free to do as you please. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

To his astonishment, there were tears in her eyes. He wiped them away.

“I wanted to tell you happy stories,” he murmured. “I didn’t want to make you sad. I failed.”

“I wanted to know _you,_ ” she answered, “and now I feel like I do know you a little more. You did not fail, Ben.”

He snorted. “You are way too kind.”

“Not true! I’ve kicked a lot of men in their weak bits back at Jakku.”

“Ow!” He automatically cringed in sympathy, until he realised why she had probably done it. “Well, good for you,” he said, “but that doesn’t change a thing.”

She spluttered against his chest, causing him to smile.

“Weren’t you tired?” he asked after a while.

As if on cue, Rey yawned. “A little.”

“Then go to sleep, my cute little sandcat.”

“I’m not cute!”

He laughed again. “Yes, you are. Now sleep.”

He started playing with her hair, listening to her breath slow and feeling her relax completely in his arms. Rey’s words echoed in his head. It took him a long time before he, too, fell asleep.


	33. An Ordinary Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Kylo woke up with Rey sprawled on top of him. A leg and an arm were slung across him while her head was resting in the middle of his chest and her hair was tickling his nose. He smiled, brushing away her hair and wrapping an arm around her.

Propping his other arm under his head, he studied her sleeping face. Her weight on top of him wasn’t bothersome at all; rather on the contrary, he felt strangely at ease. Like she was meant to lie on top of him, as if she belonged there. It was getting easier for him to believe she truly cared for him.

Rey twitched in her sleep and mumbled something unintelligible. He smiled as she started to wake up.

“Hi,” he said.

She tried to scramble up but he tensed his arm around her—not enough to pin her against his body, but enough to let her know he wanted her to stay. She easily gave in, slumping back down and yawning.

“You don’t mind?” she asked softly.

“No.”

She hummed, tightening her grip around him, as if he was a teddy bear. It was a strange, albeit pleasant feeling.

“What will you be doing today?” Rey asked.

He sighed. “Blasted paperwork.”

She laughed. “Yes, well, have fun. I’m happy _that’s_ not something I need to do.”

“What do you do then?” he asked. “Beside teach the children?”

“I tinker with the ships and the bikes,” she answered. “Maz sometimes asks me to join in on strategy meetings but I hardly ever say anything when she does. I’m not one for strategy.” There was a short silence. “We probably should be getting up,” she eventually said.

“Probably.”

Rey turned so she could fully look at him. “You make a good pillow, Ben,” she said with an obviously fake, innocent look on her face.

He mock-glared at her, not knowing what to say since he actually didn’t mind in the least that she thought that. Still, he would not admit it.

She gave him a pensive look. “Perhaps now would be a good time to test if you’re ticklish or not.”

He promptly picked her up and deposited her on the bed next to him, pinning her down. Rey was giggling wildly, squirming in his hold with not enough force to really be trying to get away from him.

“What about you, hmm?” he murmured.

He both saw and felt her thinking ‘oh shit!’.

“Ben, don’t you dare!”

Kylo grinned. “Didn’t you know?” he asked in a low voice. “I’m a bad guy.”

Using his bigger body to his advantage, he caged her between the wall and himself before starting his tickling attack. Rey laughed and squirmed, swatting at his hands and trying to push him off.

“Stop! Stop!” she eventually shouted, completely out of breath. “You win! I surrender!”

He laughed and ceased his attack. Seeing her flushed face and sparkling eyes he felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her. Not wanting to possibly ruin the moment, he brushed his knuckles over her cheek before pulling her closer and kissing the top of her head.

“You really are cute,” he said.

“Be-en,” she whined, making him laugh again.

“Come on, we should get up,” he said with reluctance. “The sooner I start shuffling papers, the sooner it will be finished.”

“Until more papers show up,” Rey teased.

He poked her. “Shall I make you my advisor and start badgering you with diplomatic questions?”

“You are right,” she said, shoving at him. “We should get going, before you get any more bright ideas.”

Smiling, he allowed her to scramble off the bed. “See you tonight?” he asked.

She threw him a smile over her shoulder. “Certainly. I’ve found a wonderful pillow.”

Her laughter echoed over the bond as she faded from view. Kylo shook his head at her antics and moved for the freshner. After taking a quick shower, he stepped out of his quarters and encountered Phasma guarding the door.

“Good morning, sir,” she greeted him, falling into step next to him as he made his way to the mess for breakfast. “The nutritional reports are ready, sir; they’ve been delivered to your office. The reports about the Troopers will be finished in a couple of days.”

He hummed in response but had the distinct impression Phasma wanted to say more.

“Anything else?” he asked when she stayed silent.

“Forgive me my impertinence, sir, but a customised droid that shoots things at people?”

He huffed out a short laugh. “Ember is learning how to lift things with the Force. The next step is _feeling_ objects come at you while blindfolded. That’s what I need the droid for.”

“That uncanny ability of yours to sidestep blaster bolts is part of being Force sensitive?”

He gave her a sidelong glance. “Yes.”

“That explains _a lot_ ,” she muttered to herself.

He snorted but refrained from commenting.

After a hearty breakfast, they headed to his office where he, indeed, found the reports waiting for him on his desk. He picked them up. Two were from specialist, one from the kitchen chef, and one was from an intelligence team that had gathered information about the Bases.

Each report was discouragingly thick, although the one from the chef was notably thinner than the other three. Settling down, he started skimming through each report, quickly spotting differences between them. When he finally got to the one about the Bases, he growled in anger. No matter which nutritional report was right, what they were feeding the children was greatly lacking.

He worried his lips and called Phasma. “Get these to Hux,” he said, “and have him compare them. Don’t tell him, but if he properly and dutifully compares these, I may have a job for him in the near future.”

“You are testing him, sir?”

“Yes. That, and I don’t want to comb through these myself.”

“Certainly, sir. I’ll get these to him right away.”

Per protocol, another one of his Troopers replaced Phasma. As had become his habit, he invited the Trooper in. It was a woman this time, named Jessy. He learned that she had been a progeny in a form of martial arts from her home planet and had joined the Trooper program to escape having to become an academic.

Her black hair was cut in a bob and there was a keen look in her eyes, one that made Kylo believe there wasn’t much she didn’t see.

He thanked her and returned his attention to the mountain of paperwork. Sometimes it surprised him so much of the information was still delivered on paper instead of it being all digital. He snorted. Probably so people like him couldn’t simply ignore it. There was something truly irritating about heaps of paper on a desk.

Once it was time for lunch, he heaved a relieved sigh and left the office as fast as possible without losing his dignity.

“Find out where Ember is at,” he ordered Jessy before entering the mess.

He trusted her to have an answer by the time he finished lunch and wasn’t disappointed.

“She’s in Training room three, sir,” Jessy notified him when he re-emerged after having eaten his fill.

With a nod, he went to find Ember as he had promised the day before. She was swinging one of her swords in a frustrated looking sequence when he entered the room.

“I’m guessing you’ve had no luck so far?” he commented dryly.

Ember responded with a grump and a violent thrust of her sword, causing Kylo to grin.

“Want a sparring partner?” he asked. “I could use a distraction from the endless paperwork.”

“Fine,” she ground out, not even pausing in her exercise.

With a grin, he grabbed a sword from the weapons rack and engaged her. Unlike last time, neither of them was going full out; they were merely burning off some energy and, in Ember’s case, frustration. After about half an hour, they split apart.

“One day I will defeat you,” Ember said.

“Doubt it,” Kylo answered.

Ember huffed, then turned serious. “I have no progress to report to you, sir,” she said solemn. “I have not been able to move the sheath, let alone lift it.”

“Show me what you have been doing.”

Dutifully, Ember went to pick up the sheath and pillows from where they haphazardly lay at the edge of the room. Kylo had the suspicion she had thrown them there in her frustration. He grabbed a pillow of his own and settled down to watch her.

With a sigh, Ember settled into her meditation. After a while, she opened her eyes and stared intently at the sheath. Kylo focused on the Force.

“You’re not reaching out,” he said.

“I’m _trying._ ”

Kylo fought hard not to grin. “You’re sort of aiming for the sheath but forgetting the arrow.”

“What?”

“Your focus is strong but you’re not allowing the Force to run freely. Reach out with the Force instead of your mind.”

Ember looked at him, uncomprehending.

“Perhaps, instead of trying to move the sheath, try finding the Force inside of it,” Kylo said, unfolding to his full height. “It’s only been a day, Ember. You’ll get it soon enough.”

She grumbled before giving a small salute with an annoyed ‘sir’. He let it slide, allowing her frustration.

“I’ll come check on you again tomorrow,” he said, before walking out the door.

Not long after he was back at his office, Phasma returned. Kylo looked up, surprised to see she was holding her helmet under her arm.

“Anything the matter?” he asked.

“There has been a disturbance in the Trooper’s mess, sir. I thought you should hear from me.”

“A disturbance?”

“Yes, sir. A brawl broke out and one of our Troopers was involved. In fact, they were the ones to throw the first punch.”

He scowled. As his elite guard, they were supposed to set an example for the others. He could not allow them to brawl.

“What was the cause?” he asked, an edge to his voice.

“It seems some of the other Troopers started commenting about the names on their breastplates, sir. As I understood, the other Troopers found them to be both pretentious and childish for needing a name. Your Troopers take pride and find honour in wearing their chosen names and got fed up. I have punished those who threw the first punch.”

Kylo felt his anger rise and gnashed his teeth. Pretentious? Childish?

“Who were the ones provoking my Troopers?” he ground out.

“I have their numbers logged, sir. May I ask why?”

He stood. “I believe I should teach them a lesson. I will not let my Troopers be insulted.”

Phasma’s look would have been comical had he not been so angry.

“Uhm, sir,” she said cautiously, “I believe that to be unnecessary. I will, however, convey your sentiment to our Troopers.”

“Unnecessary?” he asked.

“Yes, sir. It would do no good for their reputation if you feel they have to be protected from something as diminutive as name-calling.”

Kylo huffed and sat down again. “Then at least make sure that the punishment you meet out is mild. I do not condone brawls. I am, however, happy that they take pride in their chosen names.”

“I will make sure they understand, sir.”

He nodded. “Anything else?”

“No, sir. An analysis is being run in order to find suitable planets for your meeting. The repairs shop assured me you’ll have a progress report about the custom droid by the end of the day. The requests for audiences should be among the papers on your desk.”

Looking up, Kylo gave her an apologetic half-smile. “When the time comes that it’s safe to do so, I’ll find myself a proper secretary,” he said. “I am aware this is not part of your job description.”

Phasma huffed and shrugged. Kylo took it as a form of acceptance.

“How did Hux respond to his assignment?” he asked.

“He seemed happy to have something to do, although he tried very hard to hide it.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Sighing, he dragged a hand through his hair and looked back down to the documents on his desk. “Thank you, Phasma.”


	34. Being Thrown At

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

By the time the day came to an end, Kylo had more and more trouble staying concentrated. Rey’s words about Snoke kept popping up in his head and he did not know what to do with them. Had he really been used from day one? Had it all been a lie?

Eventually, he abandoned the much-hated paperwork and headed for his quarters, hoping meditation could help sort out his mixed emotions. Because, if he had been used the entire time, who was he? He worried his lips, walking the well-known route to his quarters without paying attention. He was only barely aware of Phasma following him.

Once he had arrived, he summoned a pillow and unceremoniously sunk down to the floor in the middle of his quarters. Who was he? Who had he become once Snoke was dead? Had he made a mistake as a child? Had he ruined his entire life? Was he nothing more than a puppet that had lost his strings and was now flailing about?

He closed his eyes and evened out his breathing. The turmoil, however, refused to calm down. It didn’t take long before his breathing became laboured. He was starting to feel claustrophobic in his own head.

Desperate to rid himself of the chaos and near-panic, he reached for the one thing that always provided him calm: the image of a black lake of nothingness. The Force swirled through him, hardening his mind and snarling at the chaos, chasing it away.

“Ben?”

His eyes snapped open. He hadn’t even noticed her presence. She was sitting on her knees in front of him, worry etched on her face. She reached for him, but he twitched involuntarily and she dropped her hand.

“Ben?” she asked again.

He stared at her. Somehow, her presence managed to somewhat calm down his raging emotions. He worried his lips. He needed something to hold onto.

“Who am I?” he heard himself whisper. It hadn’t been a conscious decision.

Rey blinked at him, then tilted her head as if contemplating. He felt tense, feeling like he could explode out of his skin at any minute. His breath caught as she gave him a small smile.

“The Supreme Leader.” Kylo released a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. “You’re the Supreme Leader,” she repeated.

He frowned at her. What did that mean? He didn’t understand.

“That’s a title,” he said.

“He’s whoever you want him to be.”

Even though that meant nothing, it still managed to calm him down. He could feel his shoulders relax. His mind felt like the calm after a storm.

“How did you know?” he finally asked.

Rey shrugged. “There was chaos. You never project chaos.”

She shuffled a bit closer to him and he grabbed her arm, pulling her into his lap.

“Thank you,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and burying his nose in her hair.

She moved to plant a soft kiss on his cheek and leaned back into him. “You’ll figure it out,” she said. “To me, you’ll always be Ben.”

They were silent for a while. Kylo could feel his breathing return to normal as he relished in Rey’s warmth.

“I can’t stay much longer, Ben,” Rey finally said, regret evident in her voice. “I made up an excuse to get away.”

He sighed. “You’ll come back tonight?”

She hummed. “As if I would pass by the opportunity to sleep on such a wonderful pillow.” He poked her side and she laughed. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” she said, before disappearing.

Kylo felt strangely hollow with her gone. Shrugging and reminding himself he would see her again soon enough, he resumed his meditation. Albeit less jarring, the question of who he wanted to be was still daunting.

Over the next couple of days, Kylo fell into a pattern. In the evenings, Rey would join him and they would talk before falling asleep. They trained once more and he was gratified to find she had been practising.

During the day, he would occupy himself with the runnings of the First Order. The reports about Trooper recruitment arrived and he dispatched an order to better balance out the intake and leave of Troopers, using their relative peace as an excuse. It felt like progress to know fewer children would be forcefully taken away from their parents.

After lunch, he would check up on Ember. They would end up sparring before Ember informed him of what little progress she had made. The droid he had customised was ready for use and waiting in a storage area near the training rooms.

The nutritional reports, however, were still being reviewed by Hux. Wondering what was taking the ginger so long, Kylo was planning on paying him a visit when an excited Ember burst into his office.

“I did it!” she exclaimed.

Behind her, Kylo could see Phasma clenching and unclenching her fist in annoyance. He sighed. Perhaps there was some sort of team building he could organise for the two?

“Uhm, sir,” Ember finished sheepishly. She looked as if she had run all the way to his office.

He smiled at her. “Let’s head back to the training room then, shall we?” he said. “So you can show me.”

She nodded eagerly. Her behaviour was contagious and Kylo found himself grinning. Phasma fell into step next to him as they followed Ember.

“You still don’t like her?” he asked.

“She has no regard for protocol, sir.”

Kylo huffed. “Indeed. As a Knight, she is well used to existing outside of it.”

“It comes off as disrespect towards you, sir.”

He glanced at Phasma, wondering if her dislike for the Knight coloured her words. Eventually, he decided to simply trust his commander. “Then I will talk to her about it,” he answered.

A curt nod was his only response. Nothing further was said and upon arrival, Phasma simply stationed herself next to the door while he followed Ember inside. The Knight eagerly strode to the center of the room and dropped down on a pillow before looking up at him expectantly.

“Well,” he said, “show me.”

She nodded. After a deep breath, Ember focussed on the sheath lying in front of her and, much to Kylo’s delight, it trembled slightly before rising in the air.

“Yes!” he said. “That’s it.”

She grinned at him and he grinned right back. He grabbed a second pillow and tossed it toward her.

“Now, let’s see if you can float other things as well. It’s okay if that’s not the case; I just need to know how far you stand.”

She frowned slightly before seeming to gather resolve.

“It’s the same as the sheath,” Kylo coached her. “Only its shape and texture is different, giving it an independent signature in the Force.”

He watched as Ember concentrated hard on the pillow. After a while, she grumbled with irritation and closed her eyes. The pillow promptly rose from the ground.

“Good!” he exclaimed. “Now,” he looked around, “try lifting that droid.”

They went through a couple more objects before Kylo decided she had truly mastered the basic.

“Don’t try summoning them just yet,” he cautioned her. “There are other things you need to learn first. Let me have the equipment brought in and I’ll explain.”

Opening the door to the hallway, he noticed the guard had changed. Arima saluted him. He had met her only the day before.

“Where’s Phasma?”

“She was needed elsewhere, sir.”

Kylo hummed an acknowledgement. “You know where the customised droid is stored?”

“Yes, sir.”

“If you would go get it?”

“Certainly, sir, right away.”

He turned back to Ember. “Through the Force, you are connected to your surroundings in a more inclusive way than people who are not Force-sensitive. If you want, you can literally _feel_ what’s around you.”

He leaned against a wall, contemplating how to best explain.

“This is one of the reasons why meditation is important; it gives you a clearer picture of your own energy and allows you to become more in touch with your surroundings. After sufficient training, you will start feeling what’s around you on a subconscious level. This awareness will also be what allows you to Force-move things around with accuracy.”

The door to the training room opened and the customised droid was pushed in by Arima. Kylo nodded his thanks and waved her away.

“The next step in your training,” he said to Ember, “is learning to _feel_ where everything is instead of relying on visual input.” He ignored her small twitch as he emphasised ‘feeling’. “I had this droid custom made for you to train with. There’s only one so far so don’t destroy it in a fit of temper.”

He gave her a stern look. She seemed insulted at the insinuation but answered with a curt nod.

“How exactly will it help me train?” she asked.

Kylo grinned. He had been looking forward to this. He pushed a button on the still inanimate droid and a small compartment opened. From it, he took a dark piece of cloth.

“With this,” he said, holding up the cloth, “you’re going to be blindfolded and then this droid,” he gave the piece of mechanics an affectionate pat, “will shoot rubber balls at you. It’s your objective to knock them out of the way without looking.”

Ember gave him a peculiar look, as if she wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. When it became clear he was serious, her face morphed into shock and then indignation. Kylo’s grin only grew wider.

“You want me to do _what_?”

“Get blindfolded and learn how to _feel_ objects coming your way by getting in tune with the Force.”

“You want me to get shot at? With _rubber balls_? From a _droid_?”

“Yes.”

He watched, highly amused, as her indignation warred with her sense of obedience. No doubt, her head-strong character along with her pride were fighting the fact that she had pledged herself to him and was therefore averse to insulting him. He could almost see the steam coming out of her ears.

“At least,” he said, taking pity on her, “these are rubber balls and not shiruken.”

That seemed to snap her out of her inner war but ended in her staring at him with wide eyes.

“Shiruken?” she echoed.

“Small ones, of course.” He shrugged.

Ember stared at him for a little while longer before shaking her head. “You say it’s possible to avoid flying objects without _seeing_ them?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “You want a demonstration, don’t you?” he said. “Hoping that I will get hit.”

“I did not say that, sir.”

“Indeed, you didn’t.” He contemplated it and decided it couldn’t hurt. “Fine,” he said with exasperation.

He explained the way the droid worked — the tech team had added an auto-collect feature so the droid would locate and pick up the rubber balls itself — and positioned himself in the middle of the room. Closing his eyes, he tied the blindfold firmly over them and motioned for Ember to activate the droid.

He could hear it whirring as it moved around him but ignored the sound in favour of locating it with the Force. One by one, he sidestepped the rubber balls shot in his direction, only swatting them away when he had no other choice. After twenty-or-so balls, he decided that was enough of a demonstration.

“Disengage.”

The droid promptly fell silent, beeping twice before going into collection mode. He pulled off the blindfold and turned towards Ember.

“I did not know that was possible,” she stated, a touch of awe in her voice.

“It takes practice,” he answered. “And when there’s a lot going on, it becomes … imprecise.”

“There’s really no other way to learn it but being shot at?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Great.”

Kylo snorted, handing her the blindfold. “You need to feel for your surroundings much like you feel for the objects you’re trying to lift. The trick is to not focus on them as much, nearly enough to locate them.”

“Right…”

He clasped her on the shoulder. “Don’t neglect to practice your meditation and Force-lifting. Both will help you with this skill as well.” Ember nodded her assent even though the look in her eyes was still dubious. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Good luck.”

She glared at him. “You think this is amusing, don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that,” he shot back, using her own words against her.

He heard her grumble under her breath in response, feeling quite certain he was creatively getting cursed. Laughing, he left the training room to head back to his office. Once there, he found Phasma waiting for him. She followed him inside and pulled off her helmet.

“There’s news, sir,” she said as soon as the door closed behind them.

Kylo raised an eyebrow in question. His confusion only grew when he saw her smile.

“A suitable moon has been found for you to meet her, sir.”


	35. Almost There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!

Kylo shot out of his chair. “What did you say?”

“A suitable moon has been found, sir.”

He couldn’t help the massive grin that curled his lips. “Where?”

Phasma walked to his office’s display and pulled out a map of the galaxy. “It’s the only moon of the fifth planet of the Oelilag system,” she said, zooming the screen to the planet in question. “It has an overall mild climate and is therefore pleasant to camp out at. It’s surface consists of a sloping landscape with alternate patches of forest, grass plains, and rivers. That should allow you both to easily hide your ships if so desired. I don’t know how long you plan on staying there, but the temperatures are mild even at night, so spending a night outdoors should not be a problem.”

Kylo nodded during her explanation. The moon was perfect. “How long to get there?”

“About seven hours, sir.” She hesitated, then continued. “I suggest visiting an operational base in the vicinity and miscommunicating the dates. That would leave you enough time to meet her. We could land on the planet while you continue to the moon. If we select a spot on the far side, we minimise the risk of detection.”

He was only half paying attention to Phasma’s words, just enough to realise she was talking sense. Absentminded, he uttered an agreement. Before everything, he wanted to tell Rey. He was going to see her in person again!

“You should go tell her,” Phasma said, amusement evident in her voice.

“Not yet,” he said, checking the time. “I want to decide on the exact meeting spot on the moon’s surface first, so I can give her all the coördinates at once. She’ll be sneaking out and doesn’t want to risk accessing their navigation system too often.”

Nodding, Phasma returned her attention to the display and requested an upload of the moon’s surface and its known settlements. There weren’t many. The moon seemed to service mostly as a holiday resort for the rest of the system.

“It will take some time to get together your expedition and you mentioned _she_ would need some preparation time as well. We could plan your departure for two weeks?”

Kylo grimaced. Two weeks suddenly felt like forever. In order for everything to run smoothly, however, thorough preparation was needed. With a sigh, he agreed.

“In that case,” Phasma touched the display again, “this section of the moon will be the least conspicuous.”

A part of the moon was displayed in colour while the rest turned into grayscale. Kylo took over from Phasma, examining the surface. Eventually, he found a spot near the equator, in a small grass-covered valley between two forests.

“There,” he said, tapping the spot and noting the coördinates, “that will do perfectly.” His cheeks were starting to hurt from the wide smile he was still sporting. “Let’s head to my quarters. I won’t be able to concentrate knowing this.”

Phasma gave an amused snort. “You’ll scare the staff if you keep grinning like that. They’ll think you’re out to kill.”

That sobered his mood and he glared at her, causing her to throw up a hand in surrender.

“You know it’s true,” she said, before putting her helmet back on. “You’re image is still the same, at least among those further away from you.”

He sighed. “I wonder if we should do something about that,” he questioned. “Whether or not it is safe to do so.”

Phasma was silent for a while. “For now I would suggest to let it run its course, sir. Although unfortunate, it does assure stability.”

With a grunt, he agreed. Perhaps, in time, and if his plans were successful, his image would change on its own. He stopped worrying about it, instead focusing on the news he would be giving Rey. He wondered about how she would respond. A small part of him feared she might have changed her mind, but he quickly silenced it. Certainly, she had not?

“Go, have fun,” Phasma quipped as they arrived at his quarters, even going as far as opening the door for him and giving him a mock bow. He grumbled at her in good nature.

He wasted no time, nudging Rey over the bond as soon as he stepped through the door.

“Ten minutes,” she responded.

Impatient, he paced his room. Ten minutes seemed like forever. When she finally appeared before him, he could no longer contain his enthusiasm and enveloped her in a hug.

“Uhm, Ben?” she asked, not hesitating to wrap her arms around him as well. “Everything okay?”

“More than okay,” he said, taking a step back and feeling slightly embarrassed. “Phasma found us a moon to meet on.”

“Really?” she cried out.

“Yes!”

With a cheer, she jumped back into his arms. “I get to see you in person!” she laughed. “Tell me where it is. What kind of moon is it? When do you want to go? Will I have time to prepare? How will you explain your absence?”

He laughed at her exuberance. “So many questions,” he teased.

“Just answer me!”

Still laughing, he pulled her to sit on the bed. “It’s in the Oelilag system. The moon of the fifth planet. Trees and grassy plains, sloping landscape. I’ve picked a spot in a small valley between two forests. I hope you’ll like it.”

She smiled at him, placing a hand on his leg as she looked at him with a faraway look in her eyes. “I love any place that’s green,” she mused. “I can’t get used to it.”

He touched her cheek, wanting to show her all kinds of different, green planets. There was so much he could show her out in the galaxy.

“We were thinking about going there in two weeks time. Is that enough for you to prepare?”

“Hmm? Yes, yes, that should work. I will have to leave at night, though. I’ll never be able to steal a ship during the day.”

“You’re going to _steal_ a ship?”

“Well, yes. It’s not like they’ll give me one while I’m trying to sneak out.”

He huffed. “No, I guess not.”

“What excuse are you going to give?” she asked. “Do you even have to give one?”

“A visit to a nearby facility.” A thought crossed his mind. “Perhaps, if there’s an academy near… That would make more sense than a random facility.”

“An academy?”

“Yes, where the children go after they’ve outgrown the Bases. I’ve read reports about them but haven’t actually visited one. This might be an opportune time.”

“But if you’re actually going to visit one, how will you be able to see me?”

He had been staring into nothing, lost in thought, but the uncertainty in her voice made him focus back on Rey.

“Communications will make sure the day we leave here is different from the day we’re expected to arrive there. I trust Phasma to deal with this.”

She smiled at him. “I’m going to get to see you.”

He could feel her excitement over the bond and felt quite giddy himself. Not that he would ever admit it.

“You’re seeing me now,” he teased.

“Oh!”

Rey moved to smack his arm but he caught her hand, grinning. She poked him in retaliation and soon they found themselves in a mock fight that ended with both of them panting on his bed. Not long after, they went to sleep.

xXxXxXx

Kylo had abhorred the preparations needed for their trip. One would think that, as the Supreme Leader, he was free to do and go whatever, wherever, and whenever he pleased. It hadn’t taken him long to decide that bureaucracy was his new enemy.

On the plus-side, Phasma had found an academy that would suit their purpose. Hux had finished his comparison of the nutritional reports and—at first glance—seemed to have done a decent job. Kylo was planning on combing through them in more detail once they got back.

Concentrating on anything other than the upcoming meeting had been impossible. Rey had still slept in his bed every night and he hadn’t been able to help but wonder how it would feel to hold the real Rey in his arms. They had decided to stay on the moon for 24 hours, meaning they would stay the night. She would arrive mid-morning, while he would already be there from the night before.

Phasma had organised the entire thing—checking in with him once a day or whenever a document needed signing. By the time they were ready to depart, he had met and conversed with his entire protection team. Kylo was surprised by their varied backgrounds. Twelve of them joined him on his trip; the others would stay behind.

The only person who had disputed this arrangement was Ember. He remembered their conversation as he walked out of his ship towards the spot he had selected for meeting Rey.

_“When were you going to tell me you’re planning a trip?” Ember demanded one week into preparations._

_“In due time,” he answered, raising an eyebrow in warning. “You’re not coming.”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Are you going to argue?” His voice dropped, but she ignored it._

_“Yes! I’ve pledged my loyalty to you, yet you leave me behind?”_

_“And I have accepted your pledge, as you well know, but that doesn’t mean you have a right to demand your presence by my side,” he countered._

_“So you’re going to trust that Phasma?”_

_“Ember of Ren!” he barked, towering over her. “You will respect my commander. She has been here longer than you and has proven her loyalty many times over.”_

_She took a cautionary step back, lowering her eyes. “Apologies, sir,” she said, planting her fist on her chest. “I spoke too rash.”_

_“You sure did. When we get back, we’ll discuss this aversion you seem to have for each other. I will no longer tolerate it.”_

_Ember grimaced but gave a sharp nod. “May I request your reasoning for leaving me behind?” she questioned._

_Kylo sighed and relaxed. “You need to keep training in the Force. The sooner you can perfect your skills, the sooner we can call upon the other Knights.”_

_It didn’t sit well with him that he was withholding the true reason for his trip. As she had pointed out, she had pledged her loyalty and would therefore not betray him. Still, she was a headstrong woman and wouldn’t rest before knowing why he wanted to go on a trip to an unremarkable moon._

_“I see,” she answered._

_“You need to be able to give a demonstration when they gather,” he elaborated. “That way, they’ll see we’re genuine.”_

_Ember took a deep breath. “I understand, sir. I will train to reach perfection by the time you return.”_

_With another salute, she turned and left. Kylo shook his head, not fooled by her charade. He knew he had hurt her feelings. Dragging his hand through his hair, he pondered the precarious balance between friend and subordinate._

There were so many things he still had to do that the future sometimes looked more daunting than he could handle. Rey, however, made him believe he could do it. He was nervous to see her, a feeling he still didn’t like.

Once he reached the designated meeting place, he dropped his bag—filled with food, blankets, the crystal, and a bottle of shampoo—and kept himself busy with building a fire and cutting some logs with his saber to sit on. He aimlessly wandered about for a bit, exploring the surrounding area, before deciding to try to meditate.

He kept repeating to himself that she would soon arrive, that she would not leave him hanging. It irked him that his own fears lead him to mistrust Rey.

After what must have been about an hour and a half, he felt their bond vibrating and realised she was getting closer. He smiled as he somehow felt her breach atmosphere. Wanting to see her approach, he looked up at the sky, only to see the _Millenium Falcon_ come his way.


End file.
